How to Avoid Looking Like an Idiot

The following list serves as a launch point for recovering idiots to aid them in their rehabilitation:

  1. When listening to music on your phone in public, use earphones. Phones come with earbuds these days, so there’s no excuse not to use them.
  2. Don’t start a conversation with another man doing a number one or number two in a public restroom. Also, no peeking.
  3. If your Facebook profile pic is porn of Mewtwo or Doremi, don’t be surprised if you don’t get hired.
  4. “Their”, “there”, and “they’re”. Learn the differences between them, and pick the appropriate one.
  5. If you have to ask when you’ll ever have to use a certain kind of math you’re learning, you might not use your degree very effectively.
  6. Don’t pretend you know everything. Most people can recognize a pretentious pseudo-intellectual instantly.
  7. Christmas is not a season.
  8. Use your turn signal. The rest of us can’t read your mind.
  9. Don’t pretend that obesity is healthy.
  10. Don’t look up furry porn on a school or employer’s computer. They can monitor the activity on their network. Believe it or not, a classmate of mine had to be told this. Twice.
  11. Stop calling yourself a nerd just to impress people.
  12. Don’t wear pajama bottoms in public. That fad is over, and it makes you look cheap.
  13. When you talk on your phone while driving, you might have noticed that people look at you like you’re stupid. There’s a reason for that.
  14. Each time you proclaim that organic or gluten-free food is somehow healthier, you risk being overheard by someone who knows better.
  15. A religion is an ideology, not a race.
  16. The inner lane of traffic is the passing lane. When you match speeds with a vehicle right beside you, those behind you wish that missiles were a standard feature in automobiles.
  17. Trying too hard to sound nice doesn’t lighten the atmosphere, it’s awkward.
  18. Stop wearing Beats headphones as a fashion statement. It makes it look like you have too much money.
  19. You are not a unicorn, vampire, or werewolf. If you think that you are one of the above, you probably just want weird sex.
  20. Television lied to you.
  21. “Apocalypse” means “revelation”. If there is going to be a “zombie apocalypse”, that apocalypse would be that there are no zombies.
  22. He who ironically likes something still likes it.
  23. Turn off your high-beams. And stop calling them “fog-lights”. Using them while it’s foggy creates a glare that makes it harder for the user to see.
  24. Virtue signalling doesn’t make you look like a hero.
  25. Don’t repost this to Buzzfeed.

The above serves as excellent starting points in one’s attempt to trick those around him into thinking that he’s not a mental deficient.

 

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