Normally, when you hear that someone is a child molester, you couldn’t think worse of him.

Such people are among the worst criminals, to the point that even other prisoners can’t stand their company. You might even be skeptical of the claim, because it sounds like the kind of thing a person would say if they wanted to make a person look as bad as possible, in as few words as possible.

But if you were to first hear that a person was a murderer, a rapist, a torturer, committed genocide, practiced sorcery, made many, many false prophecies, committed treason, broke promises, plundered the defenseless, called for assassinations (which were then carried out)…

…And on, and on, and on…

…If you were to finally hear that he was also a child molester, you might say, “Oh, that figures. Considering everything else he did, is that really a surprise?”

The topic of this article was a human being who was so bad, that it makes me wish I could talk to the first human being, Adam, so I could ask him, “Why did you do it? If you didn’t eat that fruit, none of this would have happened.”

The topic would be the only prophet of the Islamic religion: Muhammad.

There is a certain danger that comes with criticizing anything Islamic. It’s not that the limp-wristed simps who carry water for Islam will call you a racist or a bigot. We’re past the point of caring whether anyone calls anyone such things, anyway. The real danger is that Muslims might straight-up try to murder you. Because when you’re not well suited to reason, then violence is probably more your thing.

And yet, it’s got to be done. After all, Islam is not worth believing in, and should therefore be subjected to the ridicule it merits, so the low-IQ among us who might otherwise gravitate towards it would know not to, even if for self-preservation.

Thus, I’m making fun of the only prophet who cared to share that he had erectile dysfunction, not just for having the condition, but also so fewer people might view the floppy rapist as an exemplar of human conduct.

I intend to criticize Islam to a pulp. And what better place to start than the one man around whom the entire religion revolves?

To get started, let’s go back to before he was even born.

To set the stage, Bedouin Arabia was a difficult place to live in. The resources in the Arabian desert were so scarce that people devoted much of their time and energy into surviving, rather than developing artistically, philosophically, or scientifically.

When conflicts broke out, they often resolved by simple reason of the fact that there were few resources for a prolonged conflict. Because the stakes were so high, tribesmen often made decisions which favored their tribes in particular, rather than Arabians in general, which resulted in a certain apathy for outsiders which persists among their descendents today, and among those who practice the religion that arose from their midst.

Surrounding empires had little reason to invade, as the desert’s scant resources wouldn’t have been worth the bloodshed. Thus, the Arabians prior to Islam were not integrated into a larger empire, and thus couldn’t more directly benefit from their developments.

There were a few trade routes going through Arabia. But the land was so hostile that many travelers have opted to make their trips around Arabia, rather than through it.

The people of the desert, the Arabs, were generally polytheistic, and there were numerous pantheons located in populated areas in the desert. Among these cities was Mecca, which housed the Kaaba. Because trade routes intersected by Mecca, it was a popular stop for people of many religions, which would eventually result in Muhammad having access to a lot of material which he would plagiarize.

The Kaaba venerated about 360 deities, the chief of which was the masculine moon deity, Allah. Each of these deities was represented by a rock idol, with Allah’s rock idol being a black stone, which possibly fell from space.

Muhammad would claim that the reason why Allah’s stone was black was because it was touched by menstruating women. If the rock is contaminated, then isn’t it a problem that it’s been touched by many millions of Muslims? Also, it would be bad news for Muslims if that rock became a vector of a contagious disease.

Mecca was inhabited by the Quraysh tribe, among which was Muhammad’s grandfather, who was the custodian of the Kaaba.

One day, he said something stupid. Because he was afraid that he might lose an upcoming battle, he prayed for victory. But in that prayer, he made a promise: that if he won, and if he had a tenth son, he would offer his son as a sacrifice at the Kaaba.

The battle ended in victory, but Muhammad’s granddaddy wouldn’t have to worry about his promise unless he actually had a tenth son.

Which he did. And that son was the one who would help conceive the worst prophet in the history of the universe.

But rather than give up his son, Big Mo’s grandpap sought a way out. And it was decided that arrows would be cast for the boy, until the arrows favored him, with an offering of at least one camel in his place. Each time they were against him, the offering of camels increased. Presumably, the odds of each cast was basically a coin flip, equal chance for each.

Except, the arrows were against the boy, ten times in a row. To get an idea of just how rare this is, try flipping heads on coin flips ten times in a row. Or better yet, don’t. The odds of getting heads ten times in a row is 1 in 1024.

Imagine what it was like to be the boy who was watching in horror as he was condemned to death, over and over again, during a practice which was intended to make it possible to spare his life. He probably thought that Allah wanted him dead.

When the time came to finally slaughter the camels, the priests did nothing to forbid any wild beast from eating them by reason of how many camels were slaughtered.

Muhammad’s granddaddy was so happy that his boy was saved that he married his boy to the daughter of a chief of another tribe. Which was actually kind of a big deal, because such marriages were usually made to strengthen treaties. But because it was an arranged marriage, love probably had little to do with it.

Now that that spectacle is over, the next part is pretty sad. Muhammad had a sucky childhood, which probably went a long way in making him into the asshole he ended up becoming. But we’re talking about a child molester who committed lots of other horrendous crimes, so let’s not trick ourselves into feeling bad for him.

Muhammad never got to meet his dad. While his mother was still carrying him, Muhammad’s dad died while out on a trip. Seems like Allah didn’t do much to keep him alive after the feast of camels.

It seems like being the grandson of the Kaaba’s custodian and the grandson of a tribal chief didn’t count for much in Mecca, because Muhammad’s mom was in such poverty that she put her son up for adoption. And of the batch of kids that Muhammad was a part of, he was the one selected last. And the wet nurse who selected him already had a child, and couldn’t produce enough milk for two children.

Thus, the infant Muhammad had to spend many nights crying himself to sleep in hunger.

Though I’m criticizing Islam to a pulp, it’s not all funny. Believe me, it’s not all funny.

According to Muhammad, a significant event occurred when he was a child while he was out playing with the other children. As he was doing this, he was allegedly visited by a couple angels, who wrestled him to the ground and tore his chest open. This understandably terrified the other children, who ran away screaming to adults that Muhammad had just been murdered.

But these angels were surgeons, and their deal was that Muhammad had a small black speck of malice in his heart, which they had to open him up to get out. And having found it, they sealed the boy back up, leaving only a small mark on his chest.

Apparently, these angelic surgeons didn’t know what they were doing, because according to Muhammad, two more angelic surgeons would visit Muhammad as an adult, and they would perform the same surgery for the same purpose.

Considering the crimes that Muhammad would go on to commit, I’m surprised that Muhammad didn’t sue them for malpractice.

It might not surprise you to find out that it didn’t happen that way. It’s more likely that he had a seizure while out playing. His adoptive wet nurse took Muhammad back to his mother, saying that she believed that Muhammad had a demon, and that she didn’t have the money to care for him if the same thing were to happen again.

Then Muhammad’s mom died while he was a few years old. Which is another one of those things which isn’t funny.

For years, Muhammad would pinball from one relative to another, including a brief stint with an old relative who was so fond of little Muhammad, that he would pet him while they were sitting on his bed. Certainly creepy. But he would soon die too, leaving the boy to move on to the next relative.

To have bounced from one caretaker to another must have been traumatizing for the little boy, especially considering that some of them died. This likely played a huge role in how Muhammad would value interpersonal relationships. And with all the death that surrounded Muhammad, some Meccans might have developed the belief that the boy was cursed.

In time, Muhammad would finally settle into a more permanent abode, with his uncle, Abu Talib.

Under the care of Abu Talib, Muhammad’s life immensely improved. Abu Talib was influential, and relatively affluent. He would train the boy in his camel herding business, which likely resulted in Muhammad being immensely more respected as a contributing member of the community.

When he was 25, Muhammad caught the attention of a wealthy businesswoman by the name of Khadija. She was 15 years his senior, but that didn’t discourage her from becoming Muhammad’s cougar. An intergenerational marriage isn’t necessarily wrong, but it probably played a role in his thinking with his later marriages, with a far greater age difference with at least one of them.

Khadija was afraid that her dad would object. With her marriage to Muhammad hinging on his approval, the couple hatched a plan: to ply Khadija’s dad with alcohol, then have him give his blessing when he was drunk.

It’s kinda odd that the religion which Muhammad would later invent would disallow grown-up drinks, considering that without them, Muhammad would have been cranking it solo.

Because Mecca was situated by a 4-way trade route intersection, Muhammad would have had the opportunity to meet many different people with many different religious ideas that he could later plagiarize. Some would even travel to the Kaaba to worship, even if their respective religions would have prohibited such idolatry. Such hypocrisy likely influenced Muhammad’s perspective on religion. Particularly, whether it would be acceptable to compromise where he stood to benefit.

Perhaps the most profound such meeting would have been with Zayd, a Yemeni whose religion was Hanifism. His ideas probably impressed upon Muhammad more strongly than any other traveler he had seen, as many elements of Zayd’s Hanifism would later make it into Muhammad’s Islam.

If you’ve never heard of Hanifism, here’s a brief rundown: it was a religion that claimed to be Abrahamic, but wasn’t strongly similar to Judaism or Christianity. They probably didn’t even concern themselves much with what the Scriptures may have said. They were monotheistic, honoring a god named Al Rahman. They also tended to be highly judgemental towards those outside their own faith, particularly towards Jews and Christians, who they referred to with phrases similar to “those against whom Al Rahman is indignant” (likely in an attempt to maintain plausible deniability in the event they are called out for it).

In fact, Hanif prayers were often recitals made in rhyming prose, and among them is a prayer repeated several times in one prayer, several times a day. Which, in that sense, sounds exactly like the Islamic prayer.

When Muhammad met Zayd, Muhammad was carrying some meat from an offering he made at the Kaaba. Zayd was hungry, so Muhammad offered him some meat to eat, but Zayd refused upon learning that the meat was previously offered to an idol (which is consistent with Abrahamic religions). Muhammad was impressed by this, and learned about Hanifism from him.

Interestingly, the name that Muhammad would use for his own god when he would later begin his own religion in Mecca was Al Rahman, the name of the Hanif god. It would appear as though when Muhammad made up his own religion, he might have partially converted to Hanifism. It wouldn’t be until his later exile to Medina that Muhammad would primary use the name Allah when referring to his own god.

While Muhammad had acquired religious ideas from many different religious sources, that alone wouldn’t spawn the religious ideology that would condemn billions. However, it was after the chance meeting with the Hanif that would come the spark that would light the fire that would destroy many.

END OF PART ONE.

To Part 2