Category Archives: Humor

Biden’s Inclusive Voter Fraud Organization?

Sometimes, it happens that a person says the wrong thing, but we all know what they meant. However, Joe Biden had just made (yet another) gaffe that has some people suspicious that it’s less of a mistake and more of a Freudian slip.

Here’s what the Presidential nominee had to say:

“We’re in a situation where we have put together – and you guys did it for our admi … the president, Obama’s administration before this – we have put together, I think, the most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization in the history of American politics,”

Interpreters the world over immediately got to work to figure out just what it was he said. However, one flub in particular stands out:

“we have put together, I think, the most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization in the history of American politics,”

It’s possible Biden meant to say something other than fraud, but Joe himself might be the only one who knows for sure, but even then, I have doubts. But because it’s difficult to place what he meant, it might actually be a case of accidentally saying the quiet part out loud.

It’s also possible that someone hacked the world’s most influential teleprompter. Our own guys really need to step it up, because it’s looking like the Russians are the only ones that are any good at hacking stuff.

(By the way, that was a joke, not a challenge. I know that American intelligence agencies excel at spying on Americans.)

What makes Biden different from your usual politician is the sheer number of gaffes that come right from him, such as this gem from just last night, when he forgot who he was running against:

‘Four more years of George, er, George, er, he – we’re going to find ourselves in a position where, if Trump gets elected, we’re going to be in a different world,’ 

His wife, who was present, appeared to silently correct him, but it’s amusing that he said the same name again as he attempted to correct himself.

FYI: George W. Bush hasn’t run for office since 2004.

What I find amusing is his sentiment that ‘if Trump gets elected, we’re going to be in a different world’. Nice try, Biden. But Trump was already elected. He’s up for re-election; he’s the incumbent.

If you’re a Biden supporter, you’ll be relieved to know that he’s called a lid on press events until the election, reducing the likelihood that your guy will slip up on camera.

BuzzFeed Writer Tries Justifying Jeffrey Toobin, Makes Cringe, Instead

You might remember the story from earlier this week about Jeffrey Toobin getting caught on a Zoom call, molesting his own mushroom. A BuzzFeed writer chimed in, intent on justifying Toobin, but instead made people the world over ponder just what is up with Buzzfeed.

Sometimes, a Freudian slip occurs, when a person accidentally reveals something about themselves that they didn’t intend to. Sometimes, it’s deeply personal, like when you accidentally blurted out your affection for a video game character. (What, just me?) Or like when a person says, “Doesn’t everyone change lanes without looking?”, to which you might answer, “Speak for yourself, and don’t drive anywhere near me.”

It’s because of this that when the title of a Buzzfeed article is “Jeffrey Toobin Can’t Be The Only One Masturbating On Work Zoom Calls”, you kind of wonder about the author, and the staff that permitted the article to survive the vetting process.

I don’t blame the author for taking the opportunity to use euphemisms for choking the chicken, including some I’ve never heard before. But she (yes, she) doesn’t seem aware that “tooting your own horn” refers to something different. Perhaps this is sloppy writing, or maybe it gives away some level of unfamiliarity with the craft.

But she brings up a point about the election simulation. That is, that it wasn’t discussed in much detail. Maybe there’s something about plotting out a violent revolt in response to a Trump victory that really makes New Yorker staffers wanna blow their loads.

But to the author’s credit, it seems like she was merely using the article as a backbone to share humor on the incident, what with her sharing a Twitter meme about changing comic captions, and a Twitter post about an Etsy mug.

There’s the BuzzFeed I know, aggregating content for profit. And producing such intellectual content as Take This Personality Quiz And We’ll Guess If You’re Sweet Or Sour.

So, apparently BuzzFeed thinks it’s normal for a person to squeeze the tomato during Zoom calls, and wonders why something like this doesn’t happen more often. Thanks for the insight into BuzzFeed’s corporate culture, I suppose.

TWAT News: Jeffrey Toobin Caught DIYing During Teleconference

(Disclaimer: Ladies, you might wanna skip this one. Consider yourselves warned.)

Jeffrey Toobin, a CNN analyst, contributer to The New Yorker, and award-winning author for his coverage of the O.J. Simpson trial, was suspended from his job at The New Yorker and is on a leave of absence from CNN after an embarrassing teleconference mishap on Zoom, when he believed his colleagues couldn’t see him.

He was doing a DIY pickle-tickle.

What he didn’t know was that his activity was being transmitted. Not only that, it seemed like he, for some reason, angled his camera down to the scene of the action. Unaware to Toobin, the other Zoom callers could see him jerkin’ his gherkin.

Speaking to Vice, Toobin said, “I apologize to my wife, family, friends and co-workers.”

Especially to his co-workers, I imagine, who got a glimpse of his yogurt cannon. But hold on, he’s married? So he could’ve had assistance? But hey, maybe she was away, and Toobin didn’t want to walk maybe a couple blocks to the nearest rub-and-tug joint.

Toobin added, “I thought I had muted the Zoom video.”

Now Toobin is the latest lefty, joining ranks with Anthony Wiener, who couldn’t properly operate the basic features of popular software, and accidentally transmitted a rooster selfie.

Speaking of O.J. Simpson, he had the following to say about the matter on Twitter:

“Daaaaamn, Jeffrey Toobin. At least Pee-Wee Herman was in an X-rated movie theater. ‘I’m just saying.”

Natch, legacy media is doing what they can to keep this story buried, as is the case with Hunter Biden’s hyper-incriminating lappy.

Is this really That Was Actually The News? It’s more like Can’t Omit Creepy Kooks News.

The Fly That Everyone Can Shut Up About

The Vice Presidential debate was last night, and apparently, people actually watched it. That in itself surprised me, because the VP debate was like the diet cola of the campaign debates; in that people largely kid themselves about how much they matter.

Because the political climate today is bloated with people that don’t listen to what the other side has to say (largely enabled by social media algorithms serving content relative to a user’s political interests), there’s no surprise that either side would claim victory while shutting their ears to any point the other side actually made.

Because no one was actually paying attention, when a fly landed on Vice President Pence, that’s what got everyone talking. The next day, when people talked about the debate, it was mainly about the fly, which is to be expected when the debate is watched by a relatively disinterested audience that gave the debate a shot because they already streamed the Marvel movies and binge-watched every episode of The Mandalorian.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Between the two, the fly made the safer choice. I can imagine the fly bursting into flames if it were to land on Kamala Harris.

She’s the person who held people in prison for extended sentences for minor crimes so she could use them for cheap labor, paying them $1/hour to fight California wildfires. She started a fund to bail out rioters, even as rioters that had their charges dismissed by West-coast judges simply returned to riots. She filed criminal charges against the parents of truants, then laughed as she recalled their distress. She obstructed a DNA test that could have exonerated a man on death row, and when he was tested, he was cleared. Then, she blamed workers at her office for the obstruction, rather than take accountability for her own actions.

Reading her accomplishments, Kamala Harris sounds like the Chuck Norris of evil.

But as for the fly, if you guys like the thing so much, vote for it as a write-in. At this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if the thing actually won.

How to Explain PragerU to a Moron

I’ve heard repeated attempts to classify Prager University, also known as PragerU, in various levels of frustration. Because many people are apparently sincere in not knowing what to make of it, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to provide an explanation of what PragerU really is.

Here goes:

PragerU is an informational YouTube channel that provides succinct explanations of conservative positions, usually with guest presenters.

That’s pretty much it. As for the methodology applied to arrive at this determination, I visited PragerU’s YouTube channel and website, and my observations were consistent with the premise, putting aside the facetious and obvious ruse of being an educational institution.

I figured out what PragerU is about, and I did it in the same way one would figure out what Facebook is about (by visiting their website and looking around), or what Nintendo is about (by visiting their website and looking around).

Twenty-first century sleuthing.

Take your fake meat and shove it.

lina disappointed

I stood in place, neck craning at the illuminated menu. The contents of my stomach fought an uphill battle with my esophagus as I struggled to comprehend what I was beholding. As the seconds passed, my appetite decreased to the point that I could have simply walked out, requesting nothing of the distressed menu that was before me.

The problem? Submitted for your bemused disbelief, the Impossible Whopper:

F4CB0AA5-8C3C-422E-A763-98CA0C9032E5

There is some honesty to be appreciated in the implication that it’s impossible for a Whopper with 0% beef to be considered a hamburger, but any good will that could have been fostered is offset by the fact that the Impossible Whopper is, at its core, an imitation product.

If there’s no beef present, then just what meat is being served? Is it pork? Some variety of browned poultry? No, it’s pretty much a veggie burger. Of course, if the Impossible Whopper were marketed as the fake that it is, it would find it’s way down fewer gullible throats. The imitation burger is instead a lie by omission.

Another trend that’s disturbing is that of lab-grown meat. When I sit down to a steak, I shouldn’t have to ponder whether some lab somewhere successfully synthesized the protein that supports muscle growth, or the B vitamins that upholds brain function. My expectation would be that the steak was once an animal with awareness. If this were not the case, the violation of my expectation would throw my trust in the server into serious jeopardy.

It’s obvious why they’re trying to trick us: if we knew that these imitation meat products were not the real deal, almost none of us would bother with them, except perhaps the vegans who are going so crazy by reason of their ascetic diets that they’re willing to accept look-alikes to fill the void caused by an absence of normal food. But even then, that group is so legalistic that they wouldn’t likely risk the cross-contamination that’s expected at fast-food joints. So what are these proponents of fake meat doing besides trying to trick us?

There are people out there willing to ironically consume something gross just to say they did, but it’s a limited market. Once they’ve tried it once, they’ll move onto pig rectum subs or whatever, then what? What benefit is it to Burger King to leave something on a menu that just a few people are going to try only once? I’m not hungry enough to eat some imitation meat, and if I was starving, I have the benefit of having to choose between a bunch of things I’d rather eat, including durian.

If you can’t out-compete a fruit that smells like farts, you’ve failed.

The Fist-Cough Cult is still dangerous.

a-woman-coughs-into-her-right-fist.png

In 2017, I posted this article about the Fist-Cough Cult. It’s very appropriate to share today, considering the current events about COVID-19, or the coronavirus.

Coughing on your fist has always been dangerously irresponsible, but the current coronavirus epidemic adds a whole new level to it. You might have already been treating the Fist-Cough Cult as the pariahs that they are, but now we all have a new reason, as their dangerous ideology can be firmly placed into a similar category to that of the anti-vaxxers.

Have you been seeing Fist-Cough cultists in your area?

The Horrifying Hysteria of the Coronavirus Apocalypse

teh shelvz be bare.JPG

I took this one at a nearby grocery store. As you might have guessed, toilet paper was on these shelves. Interestingly, this was the only item there was a shortage of. There were plenty of facial wipes and paper towels.

You might be thinking, “Everyone bought up the toilet paper!” But in reality, it’s just a few guys buying into the hysteria, leaving the rest of us searching for just a couple rolls to last us a week.

One guy I saw bought three cases of toilet paper, and he left the store strutting as though he accomplished something extraordinary (though in a sense, he did).

The COVid-19 outbreak is one set of events where the way people are over-reacting is way scarier than the disease itself.

PSA: Stop acting stupid about the coronavirus.

coronavirus derp.png

I’ll get to the point: Stop accusing people of having the coronavirus (or COVID-19, or whatever it’s called).

I know that not everyone would be deterred by the fact that that’s tasteless and unfunny, but there’s another kicker: you can get sued. It’s defamation.

If something you might do can rightly be called “stupid”, play it safe and don’t do it.

Also, people can stop spazzing out over COVID-19 as though it’s going to be the end of the world. It’s almost identical to the common cold, something we already have. If China is taking extreme actions to limit the spread of infection, that’s nothing to concern yourself with, unless you’re in China. We know why China is trying as hard as it is to stop COVID-19; the country is practically a huge factory, and it’s trying to limit how the sick days would collectively impact productivity.

Just chill, your life is probably still boring. No zombie apocalypse, here. Just let your immune system do it’s job.

white blood cells.jpg

Note for the slow: The admonition to let your immune system do its job should obviously apply to those who already caught the virus, and shouldn’t be taken to mean to be reckless and catch it. It also doesn’t mean to forgo treatment. If your white blood cells are receiving assistance from a qualified professional that knows what they’re doing, all the better.

What’s a relevant smartphone feature?

phone.png

I’ve heard it said that we’re at “peak smartphone”, the point of diminishing returns concerning technical specs in smartphones (unless some technological breakthrough were to occur). This being the case, it’s more likely that features will play a factor in smartphone purchases. That got me to thinking about what smartphone feature really matters to me.

I came up with an answer, and that answer is larger screens. This is because with larger screens, you can view larger explosions.

asteroid explosion.jpg

I have tastes that are easy to understand. I like explosions. I like movies that have explosions. The larger and more bombastic the explosions, the better. I know that people get all snotty about Michael Bay movies, but he knows how to write in a way that speaks to me. With explosions.

I heard a song that said something like, “cool guys don’t look at explosions”. But that’s like saying “cool guys don’t eat beef jerky”; that’s a lie, of course we do. Cool guys love looking at explosions, and that’s because explosions rule.

bewm.gifThat’s right, look at it!

Explosions are fun, and Pokemon is fun, too. You know what would really rock? Putting the two together. Someone thought to do that, and the result is Typhlosion. It’s the most popular Johto starter, and that’s no accident. Whoever designed that one did a great job.

johto typhlosion.png

You know what else rocks? Hot sauce. That’s because hot sauce tastes like explosions. You can seriously improve your food by adding the flavor of explosion to it. Cool guys look at explosions, and they taste them, too.

pepper palace the hottest sauce in the universe.pngPepper Palace

Oh yeah, I was writing about smartphone features. Graphene sounds cool, 5G sounds cool, but let’s not deny the fact that large screens still matter, considering their role in expediting the viewing of explosions. Folding phones are a significant advancement in explosion-viewing technology, as they allow us to have it both ways: a large screen with which to view explosions, and a device that can be folded down small so it can fit in one’s pocket.

However, folding phones seem to be in the gouging phase of new technology, wherein something new is priced disproportionately high in an effort to profit well off those content to be on the bleeding edge of technology (while at the same time being the guinea pigs while various flaws are worked out). It might be a little while before folding phones are priced reasonably, but we’d still have access to tablets and larger phones in the meantime.

And when it comes to watching Zacian’s Behemoth Blade in action, those do just fine.