Category Archives: Humor

The Fist-Cough Cult is still dangerous.

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In 2017, I posted this article about the Fist-Cough Cult. It’s very appropriate to share today, considering the current events about COVID-19, or the coronavirus.

Coughing on your fist has always been dangerously irresponsible, but the current coronavirus epidemic adds a whole new level to it. You might have already been treating the Fist-Cough Cult as the pariahs that they are, but now we all have a new reason, as their dangerous ideology can be firmly placed into a similar category to that of the anti-vaxxers.

Have you been seeing Fist-Cough cultists in your area?

The Horrifying Hysteria of the Coronavirus Apocalypse

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I took this one at a nearby grocery store. As you might have guessed, toilet paper was on these shelves. Interestingly, this was the only item there was a shortage of. There were plenty of facial wipes and paper towels.

You might be thinking, “Everyone bought up the toilet paper!” But in reality, it’s just a few guys buying into the hysteria, leaving the rest of us searching for just a couple rolls to last us a week.

One guy I saw bought three cases of toilet paper, and he left the store strutting as though he accomplished something extraordinary (though in a sense, he did).

The COVid-19 outbreak is one set of events where the way people are over-reacting is way scarier than the disease itself.

PSA: Stop acting stupid about the coronavirus.

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I’ll get to the point: Stop accusing people of having the coronavirus (or COVID-19, or whatever it’s called).

I know that not everyone would be deterred by the fact that that’s tasteless and unfunny, but there’s another kicker: you can get sued. It’s defamation.

If something you might do can rightly be called “stupid”, play it safe and don’t do it.

Also, people can stop spazzing out over COVID-19 as though it’s going to be the end of the world. It’s almost identical to the common cold, something we already have. If China is taking extreme actions to limit the spread of infection, that’s nothing to concern yourself with, unless you’re in China. We know why China is trying as hard as it is to stop COVID-19; the country is practically a huge factory, and it’s trying to limit how the sick days would collectively impact productivity.

Just chill, your life is probably still boring. No zombie apocalypse, here. Just let your immune system do it’s job.

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Note for the slow: The admonition to let your immune system do its job should obviously apply to those who already caught the virus, and shouldn’t be taken to mean to be reckless and catch it. It also doesn’t mean to forgo treatment. If your white blood cells are receiving assistance from a qualified professional that knows what they’re doing, all the better.

What’s a relevant smartphone feature?

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I’ve heard it said that we’re at “peak smartphone”, the point of diminishing returns concerning technical specs in smartphones (unless some technological breakthrough were to occur). This being the case, it’s more likely that features will play a factor in smartphone purchases. That got me to thinking about what smartphone feature really matters to me.

I came up with an answer, and that answer is larger screens. This is because with larger screens, you can view larger explosions.

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I have tastes that are easy to understand. I like explosions. I like movies that have explosions. The larger and more bombastic the explosions, the better. I know that people get all snotty about Michael Bay movies, but he knows how to write in a way that speaks to me. With explosions.

I heard a song that said something like, “cool guys don’t look at explosions”. But that’s like saying “cool guys don’t eat beef jerky”; that’s a lie, of course we do. Cool guys love looking at explosions, and that’s because explosions rule.

bewm.gifThat’s right, look at it!

Explosions are fun, and Pokemon is fun, too. You know what would really rock? Putting the two together. Someone thought to do that, and the result is Typhlosion. It’s the most popular Johto starter, and that’s no accident. Whoever designed that one did a great job.

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You know what else rocks? Hot sauce. That’s because hot sauce tastes like explosions. You can seriously improve your food by adding the flavor of explosion to it. Cool guys look at explosions, and they taste them, too.

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Oh yeah, I was writing about smartphone features. Graphene sounds cool, 5G sounds cool, but let’s not deny the fact that large screens still matter, considering their role in expediting the viewing of explosions. Folding phones are a significant advancement in explosion-viewing technology, as they allow us to have it both ways: a large screen with which to view explosions, and a device that can be folded down small so it can fit in one’s pocket.

However, folding phones seem to be in the gouging phase of new technology, wherein something new is priced disproportionately high in an effort to profit well off those content to be on the bleeding edge of technology (while at the same time being the guinea pigs while various flaws are worked out). It might be a little while before folding phones are priced reasonably, but we’d still have access to tablets and larger phones in the meantime.

And when it comes to watching Zacian’s Behemoth Blade in action, those do just fine.

Hey Jeep owners: We get it, we just don’t care.

Of all the drivers out there, none have exhibited unmerited smugness quite like Jeep owners. This smugness is distilled and used to print up Jeep decals telling the rest of us that we “wouldn’t understand”.

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Jeep owners, we actually do understand. Your boxy car with a tarp top was marketed with a carefully-cultivated sense of adventure, and you bought one because you want people to think you’re macho. The rest of us could have made the same purchase with as much money, but we thought better of it and decided not to.

Because they’re in such a hurry to get the rest of us to take them seriously, Jeep owners are now getting their headlights modified with “angry eyes”:

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This is when you realize that Jeep ownership is all about image. The carefully-marketed sense of adventure? Image. The numerous modifications with purely aesthetic value? Image. The many, many decals proclaiming the identity found in purchasing something mass-produced? Image, image, image.

These pubescent attempts to impress us are characteristic of a failure to develop beyond the Hot Wheels phase of automotive preference, and is further expressed with the idea that being a good driver means driving real fast and weaving through traffic (while the rest of us are wishing that the accident that takes the doofus off the road doesn’t take our own cars along with them). Little do they realize that if they wanted a car that’s effective at the whole “going fast” dealie, they’d want one with the proper specs to do so, such as aerodynamics.

Jeeps are the automotive equivalent of the guy who desperately wants to impress us, so he wears compression shirts, talks about guns at every chance, sprays himself with Axe, then wonders why the rest of us thinks he’s a poser.

Do you have a “Jeep thing” going on? Guess what? Nobody cares.

My Beef With Santa Claus

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When I was growing up, I was told that Santa Claus “sees you while you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” The idea is that he uses this information to make a determination as to whether to reward children for their behavior. But there’s something troubling about this. Deeply troubling.

For one thing, Santa’s surveillance system is in violation of the 4th amendment of the US Bill of Rights. While the NSA similarly runs afoul of this, Santa has long been a noteworthy offender. What’s especially creepy about this is that Santa’s surveillance is extended to areas where there would be an expectation of privacy, including bedrooms and restrooms.

What’s worse is that Santa has plenty of opportunity to use this system benevolently, but he simply chooses not to. If Santa’s global surveillance system allows him to see the location and activities of every single child at all times, why does he do nothing for the many children out there that are missing, abducted, exploited, trafficked, and abused? Santa possesses the means to assist these children, their families, and law enforcement in returning these children home, so why doesn’t he?

What does Santa use his global surveillance for? To make arbitrary decisions as to who should be rewarded for good behavior. But even then, his decision-making is horribly flawed. I’ve noticed that wealthy children are rewarded more than children in poverty. If Santa is fair, and possesses the means to reward each child proportionately for their benevolence, why is favoritism extended to children in wealthier families? And if Santa is benevolent, why does he overlook impoverished families who simply need more to eat?

Santa Claus, you’re one messed-up hombre. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. You may be watching us, Santa Claus, but we’re watching right back. I’m on to you.

The Under Armour fad is cringey.

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It’s nothing new that people like to wear some clothing company’s logo. America today is a marketer’s wonderland when people happily accept wearing a corporate identity where any expression of individuality could have been. Worse yet, they’re paying the marketers to advertise the brand instead of the marketers paying them. But this, too, is nothing new.

If I were to wear a company’s logo, it would be because I liked the brand that the logo belonged to. If I were to project that same sensibility, I’d guess that a lot of people really like a certain kind of underwear, because I’m seeing the Under Armour logo popping up on people like an inoperable super-cancer that’s contagious. But the benefit of the doubt doesn’t apply very well to fads, so it’s more likely that a bunch of impressionable mouth-breathers saw someone else wear the logo, and instead of recognizing it as stupid, they saw yet another logo to wear.

What’s especially cringey about the Under Armour fad is that it’s about underwear. When I see someone wearing an underwear logo openly, I have a mental image of some lanky aspiring jock saying, “Hey baby, this is the brand of underwear that I wear. Wanna see?” and then a disinterested woman must cope with the trivial social inconvenience of rejecting a subtle sexual proposition from an omega male.

Underwear as we know it today was a very recent invention, and was previously only worn by women during their period to ease the effects of menstruation. Women in ancient times didn’t advertise that they were wearing panties, because not everyone had to know that they were menstruating.

Underwear is marketed as heavily as it is today because marketers want you to spend more money on it than you otherwise would, and if the logo on that underwear becomes trendy, that means more people spending more money. The fact is, humanity has done just fine without underwear for nearly the entirety of its history. It does nothing for modesty, because the clothing that one would otherwise wear would have sufficed. No, people didn’t go without underwear while wearing a kilt because of some tradition, it’s because underwear was a rarity a few centuries ago. And yes, this means that just about everyone pictured in old paintings weren’t wearing underwear.

1200px-Mona_Lisa,_by_Leonardo_da_Vinci,_from_C2RMF_retouched.jpgThe meaning behind the Mona Lisa’s mysterious smile has finally been decoded: she loves the breeze when going commando. Either that, or she’s happy about something. Get a life.

People in the past certainly didn’t have Under Armour, and for that matter, wearing corporate logos wasn’t considered trendy, either. That’s one of those things that goes to show that people in the past weren’t as stupid as they’re sometimes assumed to be.

When people wear an underwear logo on their shirt, they have no idea how much the rest of us are laughing at them for it, regardless of how self-important the underwear company is. Under Armour is an underwear company; stop taking them so seriously.