Category Archives: Humor

The Under Armour fad is cringey.

under armour punisher edgy underwear.png

It’s nothing new that people like to wear some clothing company’s logo. America today is a marketer’s wonderland when people happily accept wearing a corporate identity where any expression of individuality could have been. Worse yet, they’re paying the marketers to advertise the brand instead of the marketers paying them. But this, too, is nothing new.

If I were to wear a company’s logo, it would be because I liked the brand that the logo belonged to. If I were to project that same sensibility, I’d guess that a lot of people really like a certain kind of underwear, because I’m seeing the Under Armour logo popping up on people like an inoperable super-cancer that’s contagious. But the benefit of the doubt doesn’t apply very well to fads, so it’s more likely that a bunch of impressionable mouth-breathers saw someone else wear the logo, and instead of recognizing it as stupid, they saw yet another logo to wear.

What’s especially cringey about the Under Armour fad is that it’s about underwear. When I see someone wearing an underwear logo openly, I have a mental image of some lanky aspiring jock saying, “Hey baby, this is the brand of underwear that I wear. Wanna see?” and then a disinterested woman must cope with the trivial social inconvenience of rejecting a subtle sexual proposition from an omega male.

Underwear as we know it today was a very recent invention, and was previously only worn by women during their period to ease the effects of menstruation. Women in ancient times didn’t advertise that they were wearing panties, because not everyone had to know that they were menstruating.

Underwear is marketed as heavily as it is today because marketers want you to spend more money on it than you otherwise would, and if the logo on that underwear becomes trendy, that means more people spending more money. The fact is, humanity has done just fine without underwear for nearly the entirety of its history. It does nothing for modesty, because the clothing that one would otherwise wear would have sufficed. No, people didn’t go without underwear while wearing a kilt because of some tradition, it’s because underwear was a rarity a few centuries ago. And yes, this means that just about everyone pictured in old paintings weren’t wearing underwear.

1200px-Mona_Lisa,_by_Leonardo_da_Vinci,_from_C2RMF_retouched.jpgThe meaning behind the Mona Lisa’s mysterious smile has finally been decoded: she loves the breeze when going commando. Either that, or she’s happy about something. Get a life.

People in the past certainly didn’t have Under Armour, and for that matter, wearing corporate logos wasn’t considered trendy, either. That’s one of those things that goes to show that people in the past weren’t as stupid as they’re sometimes assumed to be.

When people wear an underwear logo on their shirt, they have no idea how much the rest of us are laughing at them for it, regardless of how self-important the underwear company is. Under Armour is an underwear company; stop taking them so seriously.

Why do people laugh at activists?

usagi tsukino tantrum.gif

It’s likely that, at some point, you’ve run into an activist. You know who I mean; it’s the kind of person who makes a point of identifying as a feminist, a desegregationist, or any of a variety of flavors of activism currently promoted by Tumblr.

Because they understand no setting as too inappropriate, they’ll work the conversation into activism, and drive themselves into a fit as they labor the points they’re trying to make about the issues that they perceive as being a matter of life-or-death. The people around them will try to keep their distance, and once they tire themselves out, they’ll retreat to their base of operations (their mother’s basement) where they’ll work out their next scheme to save the people of the world from themselves.

But you don’t actually have to meet an activist to see signs of cringe. In fact, it’s a snap to see those signs of cringe outside of people’s houses, usually in three different languages, because apparently inclusiveness means being poly-lingual just to read a platitude that does nothing more than express a feeling.

no matter sign is a doesn't matter sign.png

Even on social media, it’s easy to find an activist meltdown, and it provides an opportunity to watch it happen from a safe distance. If you’re like most people, whenever you see activism, you laugh, cringe, watch in fascination, or at least keep a safe distance. But did you ever wonder why?

Why do people laugh at activists?

When one hears their stated causes, they seem just. They want equality between the races. They want sex discrimination to be illegal. They oppose religious discrimination in the workplace. Their causes are like this, and most people wouldn’t argue against any of these things.

But here’s the deal: These kinds of discrimination are already illegal. If your employer discriminates against you because of your biological sex, for example, you could take them to court. If you could demonstrate that it happened, it would be an open-and-shut case.

Also, if there were any people out there that were sincere about their racist, sexist, or otherwise discriminatory views, they are afraid to be up front about it. This is because they know that their views would make them an outlier, and they’d quickly become a pariah if they were to come forward with them.

When you consider all these things, do you know what they collectively mean? If you need to be brought to the finish line, I’ll tell you:

We’ve won.

Equality of virtually any kind exists throughout the civilized world, and is actively enforced by the strength of the law. The major civil rights battles have already long-since come to their conclusion.

Yet, the activists of today still continue to complain. They continue to fight against their own imaginary enemies in an obvious effort to look good in doing so. Even though all the major civil rights battles have already been won, they continue to live in the past, as though they’ve never been properly informed of the reality that the civilized world has been living in for decades. Because of this, people have a hard time taking activists seriously.

In the sixties, people took to the streets in protest of various injustices. They also spent a lot of time getting high. But eventually, they won.

In the seventies, people continued to protest injustices and they got high. But they won.

In the eighties, people took it easy, listened to cassettes, and got high. Because they won.

In the nineties, people listened to CDs and got high. Because we’ve long-since won.

In the 2000s, people listened to music on their iPods, and a few of them listened to music on Zunes. Needless to say, they also got high. People accepted that the major social justice battles concluded decades ago, and things were generally nice. Those victories would probably have come much sooner if people spent less time getting high. We still don’t have the cure to cancer, by the way. I’m just sayin’.

In the 2010s, things stopped being nice when a bunch of Social Justice Warriors appeared on the scene, bent on chasing down the boogeymen that they themselves imagined. People laugh at their stupidity and also get high.

While the rest of us laugh, play, work, and enjoy life, activists work themselves into temper tantrums. They’re missing out on the good things of life so they can savor the cynical sense of satisfaction that comes with fighting a battle that doesn’t even need to be fought. That is both hilarious and sad.

While the rest of us work for college educations, meaningful jobs, and take home paychecks that allow us to afford decent-size homes, cars, families, beer and many other good things that we appreciate, activists are on a mission to achieve a greater level of cynicism and misery. Eventually, they’ll have to look back on what they’ve accomplished over the course of what would come to be the most regrettable years of their lives, and come to the realization that they haven’t really accomplished anything, except maybe pick up a criminal record. Maybe they’ll also realize that everyone else has been laughing at them, cringing at them, or even egging them on as one would an ignorant source of amusement.

One could make the case that humans are well-conditioned to having enemies. In light of this, it’s understandable how, in a lack of a major long-term conflict, a person can still regress into a form of tribalism. We see this all the time in how many people identify themselves with what media they consume, the cell phone they own, their brand of automobile, their fashion choices, and so on. Ironically, the many fad activists that we see today exercise the same in-group thinking of the kind that they accuse other people of practicing. Psychological projection provides a tidy explanation for this behavior.

You know what’s better than activism? Here’s a list:

  • Having sex
  • Watching anime
  • Being great at your job
  • Being great at someone else’s job
  • Driving a car that doesn’t need restarted each time it comes to a stop
  • Performing a benchmark of reps in a workout in one go
  • Playing video games
  • Whiskey

The list could be amended, but the idea is that anything that’s either fun or meaningful belongs on it. Activism does not, not just because the list was constructed specifically to exclude it, but because the trendy form of fad activism that accomplishes nothing really isn’t about having fun, and a pretense of meaningfulness doesn’t satisfy the condition of being actually meaningful.

I know it seems like I’m laboring the point that there are better, more awesome things to do than make yourself miserable for the non-existent returns of activism, but that’s what it really comes down to. Suppose you were given the choice between a pack of beef jerky and a bowl of celery. If you’re like most people, you’d go for the beef jerky. It’s tasty, while the celery is not. It’s one of the obvious choices in life. However, there are people out there that would choose the celery, thinking themselves better than the plebs that go for the tasty beef. As they munch away at the green, bitter limpness, they stew in resentment towards those that are happier because they chose the beef jerky.

We chose right, my friends. We chose the beef jerky. Not only that, we chose the prettier women, went for the jobs that paid better, and live in homes that aren’t parked outside Walmart. When it comes down to it, living happier begins with choosing to live happier.

You know what else can make someone happy? Schadenfreude. And for a steady supply of that, we have activists. So, if activism is your thing, you’re giving the rest of us something to laugh about.

trump laffs.jpg

Not that it would be to your own benefit, of course.

How to Tell That Someone is a Pedophile

iris sternly regards

DISCLAIMER: This post is sarcasm.

You know all those times when someone is accused of being a pedophile, and you hear your friends say, “I knew it. I can tell the signs.”? It happens every time someone is outed as a pedophile, even though they don’t seem to say anything about it until after the facts are known.

You nod and say that you could tell the signs too, but we all know the reality of the matter, and that’s that you really didn’t see it coming. Don’t you feel left out when your friends have the ability to determine that someone is a pedophile, but you don’t?

Well, have no fear! By the time you’ve finished reading this article, you’ll have had the training you need to determine whether someone is a pedophile, well before you either see them on the news or they are accused on Facebook.

To tell whether someone is a pedophile, you have to look for certain mannerisms. To be more specific, if they do something that you find at least mildly irksome, that’s a sign that they might be a kiddie-diddler. The more irritating that you find someone’s behavior, the more likely it is that they’re a pedophile.

For example, if you find it annoying how that guy on the corner taps his feet when waiting for the light to change, that’s a sign of pedophilia. His pedophilia, of course. Or, if someone in front of you is just a little too slow or is taking too long to get out of the way, that’s a classic sign that he’s a pedo. You don’t know for sure, but play it safe and assume the worst. Or, if someone pays for a small grocery order with a check, that’s a sign he’s a pedophile, too. Keep your distance, and regard with disgust.

In fact, the longer that you pay attention to someone, the more little signs you’ll notice that he’s a pedophile, and it will continue to add up. Proven fact.¹ You might notice that there are a lot of pedophiles in public places you frequent, such as big box stores. In spite of the fact that true, clinical pedophilia is something rare, they tend to congregate everywhere you go, for some reason.

Another sign that someone is a pedophile is that they’re being too nice. How is that a sign of pedophilia? It’s a little known fact that a large percentage of child molesters are someone who the victim knows. Pedophiles are actually quite methodical; they’ll build a positive rapport in an effort to get closer to the one their sights are really set on: your child. Don’t have children yet? They’re planning ahead for the eventuality that you get one. They’re really cunning.

But, what about your children? What if the mean people go right for your kids when you’re not around, and try being nice to them? There is a time-proven method for preventing child abuse, and that’s to teach your children about “stranger danger”. How it works in principle is pretty simple: just teach your children that people they don’t know are molestation waiting to happen, and your children will be much better prepared to take care of the rest. Your children may have their ability to form interpersonal relationships stunted for the rest of their lives, but that’s a small price to pay to avoid having their faces show up on milk cartons.

While we’re talking about your children, we know it’s hard to avoid taking them into public. To avoid having a pedo snatch them away, teach your kids to scream “RAPE” at the top of their lungs in the event that someone gets too close.

The exact odds of a child abduction may be significantly lower than them being struck by lightning, but you’re still not willing to take that chance, are you? Besides, people get struck by lightning with frequency compared to winning the lottery. You buy tickets, don’t you? Play it smart.

Another sign to watch for is whether someone seems to be particularly jittery about being accused of being a pedophile. It’s true that accusations of pedophilia are going around like crazy, and are increasing all the time. But no one would actually be afraid of being called a pedophile unless they have actual reason to be concerned, right? And who would be more concerned about being outed than an actual pedophile! Am I right?

So, how can you use this to determine whether someone is a pedophile? Easy, just bring up pedophiles and how much you hate them, every opportunity you get. Say how much pedophiles make you angry, and what you’d do if you met one. If there were any pedophiles in earshot, they’d start to get at least slightly fidgety. That’s a giveaway! If anyone so much as breaks a sweat, they’re busted.

The last method for finding pedophiles is by far the most effective. Just go around and accuse people of being pedophiles. It can be for any reason or no reason at all. If it turns out that they’re not pedophiles, don’t worry, they’ll be screened by the criminal justice system. In the meantime, there will be plenty of media attention surrounding that person’s alleged pedophilia, so people will keep their distance from them and employers will avoid hiring them, which will makes things much harder for that pedophile in the event that they actually are one. And if they’re not, the press will just go back over their archived news articles and search engines will edit their automated indexes, and things will be all better again. That’s how it works, right?

And if it turns out that that person actually is a pedophile, you’ll have been the person to have nailed them. Sweet victory! Just be aware that you might have to take a few shots with different people until one of them rings true.

So, there you go! Because you stumbled on the right article while using the internet, you’re now armed with knowledge, and ready to spot those pedo-meanies with your EAGLE EYES! Child molesters won’t be able to resist your ability to see the green-colored glow that they emanate.²

I’m glad I was able to help. I aim to please.

Works cited:

  1. I’m not sure. Some guy on YouTube probably did the legwork or something. Look it up.
  2. Do NSA-type folk actually have the ability to see green glows around pedophiles? I don’t know. I heard it somewhere, and decided that it would sound neat for this article.

Noisy cars don’t impress anyone.

noisy car.png

If an air conditioner makes a ton of noise, we don’t think “power”, we think “inefficiency”. The same goes with washing machines; if a lot of noise comes out of them, that indicates lots of lost energy that, through more careful engineering, could have resulted in clean clothes in shorter time and lower energy bills.

And, to fulfill the imaginary requirement for an arbitrary third example, we don’t associate a noisy computer with more processing power. When a laptop sounds like there’s a jet going overhead, that usually means that it’s time to clean the dust out of its fan.

So then, why does anyone still hold on to the misguided notion that a noisier car means a more powerful, effective vehicle? My guess is that there are still a few people around whose primitive minds are stuck in the early fifties, where a loud revving sound indicated a more powerful automobile.

These are the chimps who drive down residential streets making sure that their cars let out a loud roar, because they want everyone to know that they are fast, and they have the car noisy enough to prove it.

The sad truth is, they’re not really impressing anyone. I can tell you what people around them think when they tear off near elementary schools. It would sound something like this:

How annoying. I want to put a bullet right in his tires. If he had the money, why didn’t he buy a better-sounding car?

A noisy car is the sound of inefficiency. I know what some of you are thinking: “But Raizen, if cars can be made that run quieter, why don’t they make those?” You know those Mustangs that meatheads like so much? They actually can run quietly. That revving sound that you sometimes hear from them? It comes from speakers in the car. The engineers didn’t want to sacrifice performance, but still wanted those meatheads to enjoy the sweet, sweet sound of an ancient and poorly-maintained jalopy, so they faked it. That Mustang effect is actually more like a Bose effect.

Even sadder still is the fact that some people spend tons of money to mod their cars so that they sound inefficient and annoying. Intentionally. They’ve got all this money for modification to their automobile, and the intention of the modification isn’t to substantially increase the performance of their car, it’s to produce a sound to the satisfaction of only themselves.

As frivolous as that is, the modding community does do even worse. Some mod their cars so they can achieve some ridiculous top speeds. Two hundred miles per hour? Give me a break. When is a person going to go 200 MPH, even ignoring the fact that a person would have to break the law to do so? What justifies putting huge piles of money into achieving a benchmark that’s not even legal to attain? In cities and suburbs, one must come to a complete stop too often for achieving a high speed to even be practical. So, no one should care whether your car can go really fast, including you.

To ensure that their cars look like they go fast, they also throw money into aesthetics, such as flame decals, racing stripes, all that stuff that helps them live out that Speed Racer fantasy.

mustang skunk look featuring le pew.png

Nothing says “spraypaint” quite like gold hubcaps, right?

The best car is the most dependable one, and that would be the one that doesn’t spontaneously break down when you go out to get groceries. This is most easily achieved by buying something modern and efficient, and not letting a bunch of kids monkey around with it.

I’m smarter than your dog.

dog ball.png

Have you ever been driving down the street and you see one of those cocky bumper stickers that says something like “My dog is smarter than your honor student”, and you thought to yourself, “Man, how arrogant can people possibly be?”

Okay dog owners, if you’re so proud of your inbred abomination and are so sure of its abilities, then how about having a go at it? I actually did graduate with honors, so if you want to compare what your dog can do with an actual honor student, then let’s see you put your dog’s smarts to the test. Not that I expect your dog to compete with even an average kindergarten student in terms of intelligence. If your dog can write compelling essays, interpret data from a scientific study, and perform integral calculus, then we can talk.

What’s that? Are you saying that that’s not reasonable to expect from a dog? That’s just my point. Just about any human student, regardless of education level, is smarter than a dog, and if a dog were to enroll in a public school or community college, the expectations of its owner would be shattered, while the poor animal wouldn’t even be able to comprehend what was happening to it. Though if a college were to offer a course on learning to crap on paper, then perhaps your dog really could rock that GPA.

Dogs aren’t just stupid, they’re annoying. Sometimes, I’d walk down a street in my neighborhood, savoring the sunshine and the gentle breeze, when suddenly it’s ARF ARF ARF Here come some genetically-engineered pile of muscle and teeth! You might be saved by the chain-link fence separating you and the monstrosity, but not if the heart attack it causes gets you first.

Is this what dog owners mean when they say that their dogs are smart? Then, after the dog nearly scares you to death, the owner comes out and yells at it, as though they expected anything different from a degraded wolf that is biologically predisposed to barking at everything that moves. Dogs are even worse in the city, where people are just about everywhere, so dogs almost always have something to bark at.

If you’re considering getting a dog, understand that there will be days that it will annoy people who just walk down the street, who will then entertain fantasies of shooting the thing.

That might even be what the dog wants, too. Dog breeds are various degrees of degradation of the wolf specie, many of which continually tremble, labor to breathe through bunched-up snouts, and in some cases, they even spontaneously die.

poodle.jpgIts entire existence is pain.

Humans have monkeyed with nature, breeding a range of detrimental characteristics on a victimized specie for our own amusement.

And they still aren’t very smart.