Category Archives: Humor

Things Are Looking Not-So-Grand For Chris-Chan, Right Now

Chris-chan and his OC, Sonichu

Things might not be going well for the infamous author of Sonichu. Just yesterday, Green County Juvenile and Domestic Relations court has decided to send Chris’ case before a grand jury to determine whether to try him.

A grand jury is not necessarily more important or serious than an ordinary trial. They convene to determine whether the evidence is sufficient to try a suspect. The defendant and judge are usually not involved, usually it’s just the prosecution and grand jury. The grand jury need not be unanimous; it need only reach a supermajority (about 2/3 or 3/4) to proceed with a trial. A grand jury gets its name from its size, usually about 23 peers, which is substantially larger than a trial jury.

This presents a potential for either good news or bad news for Chris:

  • The potential good news is that the grand jury may decide not to indict. Thus, he may soon be a free man. Though, this is unlikely, as grand juries have a high rate of indictment. As the saying goes, a grand jury would indict a ham sandwich.
  • The potential bad news is that Chris’ charge may be bumped up to a felony. The J&DR court hearing Chris’ case does not convene grand juries. The court only hears misdemeanors, and Chris’ current incest charge can be tried as either a misdemeanor or a felony.

Because most cases involve a plea bargain, and the case appears to be escalating, many following this case have begun to speculate that Chris may have declined a plea bargain, maintaining his innocence, or may have in some way mishandled the matter, akin to a previous court tantrum over pronouns (Chris has decided to identify as female, though the trans community is not humoring his game).

Based on the information available, the most likely date that a grand jury would convene in Chris’ area would be August 8. At that point, the case would be more public, by reason of the case being considered outside the J&DR court that has been hearing his case up to this point.

It’s unknown to those following this case whether Chris is still being held without bail. In a few days, it will have been a year since his arrest, the maximum amount of time a person may be detained awaiting a trial for a misdemeanor. Where he would go upon release is unknown, as he likely wouldn’t be allowed back to his previous home, as his mother presumably still resides there.

With the basic facts out of the way, it’s time for some viewpoints. First, and this should be obvious, don’t have sex with your elderly mother, no matter how desperate you might be to get some with anyone. If your pee-pee aches, and no one wants to do it for you, you might want to settle for applying the lotion yourself.

Second, if you’re the laughingstock of the online world, you might benefit from a diminished web presence. This especially goes if your historical attempts to manage your reputation have consistently fallen to shit.

Third, and this should go without saying, if you happen to be a lonely piece of work, it might be a bad idea to post a shitty webcomic expressing your abject loneliness in an infantile paracosm populated by a bunch of Sonic recolors. Tempting though it may be.

Fourth, just to get this one out there: Don’t pretend to be a woman to try to win over the lesbians. Lesbians tend to prefer biological females. It’s kinda their deal. I know, people can be so picky.

Chris-chan is what you get when you roll a 3d6 for a Wisdom stat, and somehow get a 1.

Beavis and Butt-Head Discover That They Have White Privilege

It’s been a decade or two since I’ve watched Beavis and Butt-Head. I thought that, after the initial attempt to revive the series, that was it. As it turns out, there’s more coming, and it seems the two are going to college.

Considering the current college environment outside of trade schools, it’s easy to picture them as places where they belong.

I also don’t remember them being this funny. The clip below is of the dimwitted duo discovering that they have white privilege. They then proceeded to interpret it their own way.

“THIS RULES!”

It flew under my radar, but just days ago (on June 23, 2022), a new Beavis and Butt-Head movie was released on Paramount+, called, Beavis and Butt-Head Do The Universe. What’s more, two seasons of the Beavis and Butt-Head TV show are in production, also for Paramount+.

If the new Beavis and Butt-Head episodes are going to be this hilarious, I might give them a watch.

Updated Pride Flag Now Includes Ukraine Colors

The pride flag has seen numerous iterations, it being the official flag of “current thing”. Expressing support for Ukraine by displaying the colors of its flag is the new “current thing”, so it’s only natural that it be included in the increasingly-inclusive pride flag.

Putting aside, of course, that the Ukraine doesn’t legally recognize same-sex marriages.

How displaying a couple arbitrary colors is supposed to support a country that’s under attack by an imperialist aggressor is not a bad question, but as we all know, virtue signaling takes no effort. Otherwise, we’d be seeing almost no virtue signaling out of anyone.

However, as it is, the current flag doesn’t adequately express the true virtues of the pride community. For one thing, the pride community prides themselves on group action. Thus, their flag would better represent them with a pattern of four similar flags. What’s more, the pride community is about togetherness in embracing superficial differences. Therefore, it’s appropriate that these four similar patterns be arranged in a manner representative of arms encircling.

With these considerations, a more accurate pride flag would look like this:

It’s obvious that this flag is more representative of the virtues of the pride community. Years from now, when the pride movement is looked back upon by historians, they’ll see this flag and have little doubt as to what it was really about.

Rather than be left behind, the pride community feels obliged to update to the most current flag, or risk being seen as not inclusive of current thing. What they do with their old flags, I don’t know. Perhaps there’s some colorful landfill somewhere to which the outdated pride flags are sent when the typical NPCs undergo their updates.

In any case, there’s yet another new flag to replace their old ones. And it will be their current flag until some Tumblrite thinks of yet another color band to add to another revision. Which could mean they’d have another flag as soon as next week.

Ultra MAGA Sounds Ultra Awesome.

If you were to hear the phrase “Ultra MAGA” being thrown around, you’d probably think that it’s something a Trump supporter would have invented to talk themselves up. And as they did, they’d probably sound something like this:

“I’m not just MAGA, I’m Ultra MAGA!”

So, you’d probably be shocked to hear that the term was intended as an epithet designed to bring down Trump supporters. And that the term was concocted by the Biden Team. And it took them six months to think it up.

It’s extreme failure meets an abject lack of creativity. And it’s just the kind of thing that you’d expect from the Biden administration, considering that nearly everything that they touch turns to plop.

Normally, you wouldn’t want to surrender naming rights to one who is antagonistic, considering that if what they were to come up with were to stick, it would just make you look bad. One example I can think of off the top of my head are Japan’s “Herbivore Men”, a group of men who made the deliberate decision to forgo relationships with women. The term “Herbivore Men” is derisive, and intended to imply underdeveloped, effeminate men who decide against expected, natural male behavior. It’s because of this that it can be quite amusing to hear MGTOW tout the Herbivore Men.

If you think that Ultra MAGA sounds so awesome that you want it on a T-shirt, someone already thought of that:

There is a notion that comes up when bringing up the Biden Team’s latest failure (which happens so often that the dubious honor might actually go to a newer failure by the time this article is posted). This is that the left can’t meme.

They can try, but the left has a hard time memeing. They’re bad at it. The reason why they’re bad at memes is for the same reason they think that “Ultra MAGA” would be an effective insult. And that reason is simple: The left lives in a carefully-insulated, hermetically-sealed echo chamber.

The left has spent so long hating people who are pro-MAGA, that they view MAGA as an insult. In the minds of leftists, it’s such a charged term that it’s not something that they’d call a friend or family member. And considering that the left refuses to so much as hear what someone on the right has to say, the implication when they use the term MAGA is that they’re shutting someone out of their lives.

When you understand the insular tendencies of leftism, it makes intuitive sense that they can’t meme. To meme is to use a humor device that is a variation of another humor device. But to succeed in such an endeavor, a person needs access to source material. A person who is closed-minded is less likely to seek out ideas, and therefore tends to have a diminished pool of source material from which they may develop memes.

What’s more, the left’s stronger tendency towards “cancellation” of those who run afoul of their ideology raises the stakes for any leftist who might attempt to meme. Leftists are constantly on the prowl for anyone who would say anything that might offend them, and for any opportunity to dogpile the offender, even if the offender is a fellow leftist whose devotion wavers slightly. It’s because of this that when a leftist memes, they must constantly look over their shoulders to make sure that they’re not letting anything slip that has any potential of being misinterpreted. If they were to slip up, even slightly, their digital reputation would be completely destroyed in the time it takes for them to put their device on the charger for the night.

Those on the right are generally more open to the fact that there are people out there who will have ideas that aren’t their own. It’s because of this that they can see a meme that they find personally upsetting, and are less likely to respond to it or call it out, unless it’s a tremendously bad take which sufficiently baits them into responding. Who’s immune to being trolled, after all?

Care to guess whether the MAGA crowd is upset that they’re being called “Ultra MAGA”? Of course they’re not, they view it as a compliment! This stands to reason, considering that it was the MAGA crowd that uses the term “MAGA” to describe themselves. In fact, the MAGA crowd considers it a huge victory that the best that the Biden Team can come up with, after six months of careful plotting, mustache twirling, and hand wringing was for the Biden Team to call their own opponents by their own name.

This is about as stupid as it would be if the most racist president in American history, the Democrat Andrew Johnson, decided to refer to Republicans as “Super Abolitionists”!

After six months of thinking about it!

TWAT News: Dumb Criminal Accidentally Busts Himself For Drug Crime

He said that he purchased drugs, and I believe him. He also said that he’s an experienced drug user, and I believe that, too. I also believe that Thomas Eugene Colucci is a dumb criminal, and he’s probably getting around to figuring that out.

The same man was taken into police custody after calling 911, expressing doubts that the two bags of methamphetamine that he had purchased from a man in a night club was legitimate. He claimed that, as an experienced drug user, he knew the sensation of meth, and suspected that he was instead sold bath salts.

Afterwards, the doubting Thomas took his two bags of meth to be tested by police, who then confirmed that the bags tested positive for meth. Then, in a move that most of us probably could have called, the police took him into custody for possession of methamphetamine, and two counts of possession of drug paraphernalia.

His bond was set at $7000. Which is pretty low, considering that if he was dumb enough to accidentally turn himself in, there may be a significant risk of failure to appear because he got lost on the way to his own trial.

Colucci’s motive for bringing the matter to the attention of police was in the hopes that the drug dealer would be detained, reasoning that getting a dealer of counterfeit drugs off the streets would make the world a safer place. However, because Colucci failed to provide information that led to the dealer, the only one who ended up getting arrested was Colucci himself.

Bravo, Colucci! That was exquisite! You actually busted yourself for possession, and That Was Actually The News.

The Metaverse Has a Catgirl Police Force

As quick as I may be to pick on the Metaverse, I can admit when they have something great. Such as their community of unofficial catgirl police.

Yes, they do have such a community. And no, they don’t police the Metaverse in any official capacity. They’re called the Loli Police Department (LPD for short), and they’re a community that roleplays as police officers in VRChat.

The LPD acts out scenarios for fun, often for their own amusement, but sometimes to the bewilderment of onlookers. And because they’re trying to do it right, these catgirls are in the anime style.

It may be a little nitpicky to point out, but a more fitting name might be Nekomusume Police Department. The word “Nekomusume” means “catgirl” in Japanese, though one can also suggest the word “Nekomimi”, meaning “cat ear”. Under their current appellation, one might get the wrong idea of what the group is about.

When I first saw this group, it brought to mind a similar concept conceived years prior by anime artist Kanzaki Hiro:

It may be true that the Metaverse is a sad digital substitution for the real world, but for certain subcultures, the LPD might be a welcome sign that creative visions such as that of Kanzaki Hiro are coming progressively closer to reality.

Now for the part of the post where we “go there”. I know that for a lot of people, police women are considered attractive, and for others, catgirls are attractive, so there’s a lot of potential for wide appeal. For those with highly-specific strike zones, the LPD might end up being a selling point for VRChat and the Metaverse.

Why stop with a team of catgirl police when there is so much more potential for digital public servants with animal ears? Is a team of bunnygirl nurses far behind? Or how about rats that sell insurance?

Democrat Governor Caught Sending Federal Covid-19 Relief Funds to BLM

The Coronavirus epidemic, and especially the lockdowns that came along with it, really didn’t tickle. People were ordered to remain in their homes, which really sucked for those of us who wanted to make a living. People were ordered to wear masks in public, which really sucked for people who like fresh air.

Making matters worse was the riots caused by BLM, colloquially referred to as Burn Loot Murder, which really sucked for those who wanted to avoid violence and property damage.

So, you can imagine the outrage when it was discovered that Illinois governor J.B. Pritzker had provided $300,000 in funding directly to BLM. The kicker? This money was funneled directly from federal Covid-19 relief funds.

While that already sounds like a kick in the teeth, it gets even better when you understand that part of the intention behind the Covid-19 relief concerned “the increased potential for violence in underserved and disproportionately impacted communities.”

So naturally, a Democrat that received funds that were intended to help deal with violent crime under the pretense of Covid relief had allocated those funds to a bunch of violent terrorist extremists operating under the pretense of racial justice.

There comes a point where it’s no longer fitting to call someone “incompetent”, because it’s much more apparent that there’s malice involved. What else does one attribute to Pritzker’s use of the Covid-19 relief funds, which is like receiving the gasoline needed to fuel his family’s automobile, but instead throwing the same gasoline directly into a housefire?

Apparently, the Coronavirus Apocalypse is over, because governors can now afford to spend Covid-relief funds on stupid bullshit.

Overweight People Now Have a Card to Present to Their Doctors to Avoid Stress

There are cards circulating for to present to doctors, to ask them not to weigh the presenters so the presenters can avoid the stress of knowing that they’re not in good health. The front side is pictured above, and the back is below:

And now for the hot take:

It’s hard to decide on just one thing that is funniest about this, because it’s hilarious on multiple levels. Here’s the weight-card-ridicule starter pack:

  • The implication that eliminating any possible source of stress is more important than taking care of the only body that the presenter would have for the rest of their life,
  • The insistence on burying their head in the sand rather than acknowledge that they have a problem,
  • The insistence that no one point their problem out to them, further enabling them to ignore it,
  • The implication that lighter people don’t have the same problem with stress over their weight, which is simply wrong,
  • The implication that they know what’s healthier for them than a trained, licensed, college-educated medical professional,
  • That weight stigma matters more to the buffoon than getting their sorry ass in shape.

I get it, becoming physically fit is not easy. You know what else is hard? Going for just about anything else that’s worth going for.

But apparently, it’s also hard to just ask your doctor not to weigh you, because it seems someone has decided that it would be easier to print up some cards to present to a doctor instead.

While we’re at it, why don’t we eliminate the spoken word wherever we deem it inconvenient, and present cards with preselected statements that people commonly use in the hopes that the recipient will accept them in place of actually talking to them? I’ve already thought of a few simple phrases that would fit on business-card stock:

  • Let’s have sex.
  • Make that a super-size.
  • I’d like to speak to your manager.
  • It’s my duty to inform you in accordance with Megan’s Law that I’m a convicted sex offender living in your community.
  • My preferred pronouns are (write in your own)
  • That credit card is a decoy. Just play along.
  • Dark Magician (Dark) 7 star [Spellcaster] ATK/2500 DEF/2100
  • For Avon cosmetics, call me at __________.

Why bother with simple social inconvenience when we can kill a few trees, instead?

If you don’t feel comfortable talking about your “Health at Every Size” now, it will definitely make for interesting conversation when you’re dying due to obesity-related complications. But if at that point you’re still not up for it, then maybe by that point you’ll have thought up a few witty cards to present when the time comes.

Would it be wrong of me to look forward to it?

German Shepherd Arranges Sheep In Shape of Syringe to Prove Something

Remember when a bunch of FakeBook users changed their profile photos in an effort to fight cancer, misogyny, and child abuse, but mostly just to prove that they’re herd animals? (Pepperidge Farm remembers!)

To continue the ongoing theme of expressing support through worthless gestures, a German farmer decided to arrange his sheep in the shape of a syringe in an effort to encourage taking the Covid-19 vaccine, or something.

If there’s anyone who can identify with having a bunch of sheep listening to them, it’s the governments of the world, who don’t need the help of some hick playing banjo in the woods. Threatening people’s jobs and freedoms has been plenty effective, just ask the people who want to see your papers before you’re allowed into a theatre to watch The Matrix.

The entire effort goes against the intended end when you consider the people that are bringing this up as yet another example of how the coof lockdowns made people’s brains break, and has turned the pro-vaxx crowd into a cult.

While the Greek Orthodox man arranges the pins in the shape of crosses at the grocery store bulletin board, the Branch Covidians would arrange their sheep in the shape of a syringe in what can be described as a fitting allegory for their government’s relationship with them.

Perhaps another farmer can make a point by taking a booster right in the rooster.

An Image to Describe 2021

Each year, this blog posts a picture which, in the eyes of myself, describes the year accurately, sometimes edited, and sometimes not. However sardonic it may be, I think we can all appreciate that humanity has made it as far as we have without reducing ourselves to irradiated primal components over things like economic strategy.

I think we all know that QAnon Shaman is going to take the honor this year. But before we get to that, let’s take a moment to appreciate just how zany this year has been. After all, this year wasn’t just crazy in a way like standing at a safe distance and laughing at the insane thing that some celebrity as done. This year’s craziness affected every single one of us in one way or another.

As we recap, know that I’m not even going to bother listing everything crazy about this year, as writing up such a list would take at least another year.

  • Thousands of protestors flooded the U.S. Capitol building, resulting in the people being represented therein for the first time in over a century.
  • After a nearly-two-decade military campaign, President Biden surrendered Afghanistan back to a bunch of hairy men who believe that pedophilia is normal, abandoning both equipment and American people in the process.
  • In the highly-publicized Rittenhouse trial, a jury helped millions of morons to come to the conclusion that if someone with an assault rifle is running from you, chasing him and attacking him is a bad idea.
  • Twitter banned a standing President of the United States from their platform, even though he didn’t do a damn thing wrong.
  • After months on end of the uniparty calling the lab-leak hypothesis a “conspiracy theory”, U.S. intelligence released a 2-page declassified report calling “laboratory-associated incident” a plausible source of Covid-19.
  • A huge container ship ran aground in the Suez Canal, disrupting trading for much of the world.
  • Anthony Fauci gives hope to the least of us as he demonstrates that a slow-witted, narcissistic ass-wipe can hold the highest-paid government office.
  • NASA launched its Double Asteroid Redirection Test to determine whether we are currently capable of protecting earth from an asteroid collision, showing that science can be used for something other than marketing useless garbage to gullible cretins.
  • The ultra-left are so obsessed with getting you vaccinated, that they threatened your job over it. Because nothing says that they want to protect you quite like threatening to turn you into a homeless drifter that eats garbage out of the gutters. Thankfully, the courts are succeeding so far in blocking that bullshit.

With all that said, here is the image that describes 2021, depicting the most honest man to stand at the house podium:

I don’t know about you, but I miss the days when conspiracy theorists were wrong about stuff, and mainly just went on about a flat earth and space aliens. But now that the left is so insistent that the idea that there are reptilians in government is a harmful and dangerous conspiracy theory, that gets me to thinking. Streisand Effect, and such.

Nostradamus was still a hack.