Category Archives: TWAT News

TWAT News: Jeffrey Toobin Caught DIYing During Teleconference

(Disclaimer: Ladies, you might wanna skip this one. Consider yourselves warned.)

Jeffrey Toobin, a CNN analyst, contributer to The New Yorker, and award-winning author for his coverage of the O.J. Simpson trial, was suspended from his job at The New Yorker and is on a leave of absence from CNN after an embarrassing teleconference mishap on Zoom, when he believed his colleagues couldn’t see him.

He was doing a DIY pickle-tickle.

What he didn’t know was that his activity was being transmitted. Not only that, it seemed like he, for some reason, angled his camera down to the scene of the action. Unaware to Toobin, the other Zoom callers could see him jerkin’ his gherkin.

Speaking to Vice, Toobin said, “I apologize to my wife, family, friends and co-workers.”

Especially to his co-workers, I imagine, who got a glimpse of his yogurt cannon. But hold on, he’s married? So he could’ve had assistance? But hey, maybe she was away, and Toobin didn’t want to walk maybe a couple blocks to the nearest rub-and-tug joint.

Toobin added, “I thought I had muted the Zoom video.”

Now Toobin is the latest lefty, joining ranks with Anthony Wiener, who couldn’t properly operate the basic features of popular software, and accidentally transmitted a rooster selfie.

Speaking of O.J. Simpson, he had the following to say about the matter on Twitter:

“Daaaaamn, Jeffrey Toobin. At least Pee-Wee Herman was in an X-rated movie theater. ‘I’m just saying.”

Natch, legacy media is doing what they can to keep this story buried, as is the case with Hunter Biden’s hyper-incriminating lappy.

Is this really That Was Actually The News? It’s more like Can’t Omit Creepy Kooks News.

TWAT News: Subway Bread as Candy

From Subway.com

A franchisee for Subway sought an exemption from an Irish “value added tax” on Subway’s bread. The Supreme Court of Ireland heard the case and decided that due to the concentration of sugar in the bread, Subway’s bread does not meet the legal criteria to be considered “bread”.

According to Irish law, for a baked good to be considered bread, the flour mixture must contain no more than 2% of the combination of fat, sugar, and bread improver. The flour mixture of Subway bread is 10% sugar, according to the Irish Supreme Court.

Wait, how much sugar is in Subway bread? Ten percent?

With its “Eat Fresh” slogan, Subway markets itself as a healthier fast food choice, while offering chips and fountain drinks on top of its hyper-sugary sandwiches. We should, of course, be skeptical of any fast food joint that makes the claim of being healthier, considering their practice of adding sugar to their offerings because they’re aware of the effect sugar has on people’s better judgment.

It would appear as though Subway isn’t above the usual fast food tactics that keep people coming back, as the sugar content of their “bread” is so high, the Irish don’t classify it as bread, but as a “baked good”.

But while we’re discussing the classification of Subway’s “bread”, here’s an idea: we can classify it as candy. After all, Subway’s bread contains a high volume of sugar, and it requires heating to take it’s shape.

If we were to classify Subway’s bread as candy, it would better inform consumers as to the health benefits of the confection, and health-conscious diners can make their choices accordingly.

So the Irish Supreme Court found that Subway’s candy-bread is not technically bread. That Was Actually The news.

TWAT News: Socialism Statement at WalMart Backfires

stupid facemasks.pngIt’s like they’re being smothered in stupid.

You likely did Nazi this coming, but a Minnesota couple’s political statement backfired in an amazing way during a trip to Walmart. The couple decided to protest the prospect of a Joe Biden presidency by wearing Swastika face masks.

“I’m not a Nazi. I’m trying to show you what’s going to happen in America. If you vote for Biden, you’re going to be in Nazi Germany. That’s what it’s going to be like.” said the woman in the mask.

tumblr_pda0fyJIil1umixqao1_500

It is possible to be both smart and stupid at the same time. In this case, both people were smart enough to know that Nazism was a form of socialism, but stupid enough that it did not occur to either of them how their stunt could backfire.

Think about that: at any step along the way, from the point of having the idea to seeing it through, it did not occur to either of the two how their anti-Biden statement could backfire. One of them came up with the idea, and the other didn’t immediately shoot it down. From then to the point that they went to the store, either one could have had second thoughts.

But then, after the first person at Walmart questioned them about their masks, upon being made to see reason, at least one of them could have said, “This is stupid.” and at least turn their mask inside-out or something.

But no, they continued to justify their ridiculous statement, as though they still believed it the most brilliant idea in the world, overlooking the fact that we live in a culture pulled about by overly-sensitive imbeciles. One of them even proceeded to taunt anyone who would challenge their statement:

684fc170e3664518b468cb8bc91c4560_xl.png

The two actually managed to get banned from Walmart locations nationwide for a year. Quite an accomplishment, considering Walmart shoppers’ inherent diversity in the spectrum of intellectual luminosity.

That Was Actually The news, but sometimes it takes a long, sustained insistence in a poor choice to make it happen.

TWAT News: Killer Coronavirus of Evil Death Murders People

191E22AC-8703-4386-9E9F-DCA20EF9FDD2

Now that the George Floyd riots are no longer fitting the narrative, it’s time for corporate media to revert to what they already know scares morons. Are they still called the George Floyd riots? They seem like they’re knocking historic statues down, regardless of their side in American history. What’s more, the CHAZ “summer of love” police-free dealie quickly devolved into violence, resulting in deaths. See what I mean? Violent rioters, when left to their own devices, get difficult to spin.

So, it’s back to the coronavirus, with death counts that continually climb. Because of course they do. Think about what it would take for those numbers to decrease. But then, if some came back from a coronavirus death, would that make them a coronavirus zombie? Zombies have already been written into nightly news stories to appeal to the stoner market. Think of how the ratings would skyrocket with coronavirus zombies.

The novel coronavirus, as you may know, is an emerging virus that causes COVID-19, which is mainly characterized by a mild, short-lived cough, but usually there are no symptoms at all. The virus is suspiciously only a danger to people already being killed by something else, with death rates comparable to that of the common flu. In response, leaders the world over have enacted lockdowns and restrictions on the general population which have had a catastrophic impact on an economy that took decades to build up, destroying the lives and livelihoods of countless people, resulting in a surge in suicides (meanwhile, the leaders behind these choices are blissfully insulated from the destruction they themselves caused).

Presidential candidate Joe Biden recently stated his intention to mandate face masks in public by executive order. Face masks, as has been long known, increases levels of cortisol in those who habitually wear them. Cortisol is known as the “stress hormone”, which at high enough levels suppresses the immune response, making people more susceptible to recurring infections. Oh wait, that’s counterproductive.

Speaking of counterproductive, bringing up the coronavirus again is only going to remind us ordinary people of how badly Democrat leaders pulverized society in a massive overreaction, further cementing our decisions to not elect them. Having said that, it’s apparent that Biden has the moron vote and watch-the-world-burn vote, and the growing do-as-you’re-told-because-science vote.

Oh man, I’m glad that liquor stores are open again. I’m also glad that nearby grocery stores are no longer enforcing one-way aisles or face masks. It’s as though people are figuring something out.

They’re trying to distract us from the riots with some coronavirus scare stories. That Was Actually The news.

TWAT News: The MAGA Kids and the Crime of Smiling

DxUVqgZWsAET6_n.jpgThe smile that drove millions of leftists insane.

There are still ongoing developments surrounding the MAGA kids incident, but the dust is beginning to settle, and what’s becoming apparent is a whopper of an indictment against corporate news outlets and leftist-controlled social media.

What it comes down to is that a group of kids showed up to a confrontation already in progress, and smiled at the ridiculousness that was taking place. Afterwards, the leftist elements of social media and the corporate mainstream information media went full-tilt to smear the children, because they hate Trump and the MAGA (Make America Great Again) hats that the children were wearing.

As the institutional leftist shills would have you believe, the kids were committing a hate crime by provoking a native American during a confrontation. If you’re interested in knowing what really happened, I did manage to find a full video of the incident. If you’re not up for watching it, that’s understandable, considering that the video is over an hour and 40 minutes long. But if you’re interested in seeing the involvement of the MAGA kids, skip to 1:12:00, as the video poster suggests.

The video starts with an argument between the Black Israelites and Native Americans concerning which of the two are the true Israelites. That last sentence is a doozy, so go ahead and read it again and allow it to sink in just what we’re dealing with.

If you’re wondering who the Black Israelites are, they’re a group of professing Jews that make a point of saying that the Israelites were actually black (while ignoring all the genetic information we have concerning who belongs to Israel and Judah). While I know that not everyone in the group is like the ones in the video, some of their most passionate members are among the most insufferable people in the religious landscape.

Somehow, I get the idea that throwing taunts at people in the street is not how you’re supposed to demonstrate that you’re a model nation. The moment that I saw that Black Israel was involved and taunting people in traditional garb, I strongly suspected that the video wasn’t going to show us the best of humanity.

But things got more interesting when a group of Catholic students happened to be nearby, and they were planning on attending an anti-abortion rally while wearing MAGA hats.

The Native Americans that were present attempted to de-escalate the situation by singing while beating on drums. That’s good on them. While this was going on, the MAGA kids (as they would come be known) just looked on and smiled, even as the Native Americans went right up to them.

And, that was it. They just smiled. Could anyone blame them? It had to have occurred to them just then the sheer ridiculousness of what was taking place. There was a group of Black Israelites proudly boasting of their professed heritage. There was also a group of singing and dancing Native Americans playing instruments. And they themselves were schoolkids in MAGA hats that just happened to be there on the way to an anti-abortion rally. Even in Washington DC, one would have a hard time finding a more ridiculous scene.

But apparently, something about school kids in MAGA hats with big, beaming smiles rubbed the leftist shills in social media the wrong way, because they went full-on cray-cray trying to smear them by (what else) accusing them of committing a hate crime.

Suddenly, the blue checkmark typicals joined forces and proceeded to dox a bunch of kids in an effort to threaten their school into expelling them and ruin their career prospects for just happening to be somewhere and not harm anyone. All because they didn’t like their hats.

Among those participating in the doxing was a former contributor to Vanity Fair, Kurt Eichenwald, who stated that the kids should be denied work “in perpetuity”, and in an effort to make it easy to identify (and harass) the kids, he shared photos of them on his Twitter account.

The thing about the leftist media is that they have something to prove. They face the ongoing threat of the internet and social media driving them into obsolescence. So, they dove right in and joined in the smear campaign.

Now, why would we expect something like investigative journalism from an outdated media outlet that mainly caters to old people and kids that don’t know any better?

Nathan Phillips was one of the Native Americans in the video shown playing the drum in one kid’s face. The corporate media made sure we knew that he was a Marine Corps veteran. According to Phillips, the kids were repeatedly chanting, “Build that wall, build that wall.”

That’s interesting, because we have video of the confrontation above, and that didn’t happen. Oops. Now, it’s coming to light that Nathan Phillips has misrepresented his military service, as reported by the Washington Post.

So, a bunch of kids in MAGA hats are being smeared and threatened and libeled all over the place, and all anyone has to go on are the claims of a proven liar?

nathan phillips marine corps vet.png

Watching old media backpeddle in real time is quite refreshing. In fact, an article on Yahoo News courtesy of The Wrap pretty much admitted that the students did nothing but stand there and offer no disrespect. The Native Americans didn’t do any harm, either. If anything, they were attempting to defuse a situation. It’s evident that the real bad guys were the Black Israelites, who themselves were the ones throwing out the racist rhetoric.

In fact, if you want to see who the real violent and hateful people in the confrontation were, go to 11:55 in the video (link goes right there). That’s a sampling of their threats and verbal abuse. What kind of religious language is that?

I don’t own a MAGA hat. But you know something? I’m actually considering getting one.

maga-hat.jpg

It’s become an expression of solidarity with those who have been slandered on social media and libeled by the press. Institutional leftism has gone full-on to try to shame a bunch of kids just for wearing these hats, and the outcome is that the hats themselves look far more attractive.

Apparently, smiling while wearing one of these hats is what it takes to get a Disney producer to threaten you with a wood chipper. A Disney producer. Complete with an image of someone being stuffed into a wood chipper. Congrats to these kids for being able to draw that out of a producer who works for a company that makes family entertainment.

I really don’t know how to follow that up. Seems like an interesting place to end the article. I know that 2019 is just getting started, but leftism is going to have to work pretty hard to outdo themselves.

TWAT News: Student faces expulsion over math sign

root sign.png

The symbol above is called a radical, also known as a “square root”. In mathematics, it along with the radicand represents a number which, when multiplied by itself, gives a product equal to the radicand, the radicand being the number within the radical.

What’s really radical is that police were called and an Alabama student faces expulsion because he made a joke about the radical looking like a gun.

The guy is pretty far from the only one who liked to have some fun with math by making things out to be something else. One example that I think we’re probably all familiar with is what we get when we punch the quantity “80085” into our calculators. Alternatively, one can instead punch in “58008” and look at it upside-down.

A lesser known example is the female appearance of the number one, especially when it’s stylized and placed in parentheses:

congratulations, it's a she.pngHot stuff.

Or this popular example, which takes a little calculus:

integral

This next one is popular among the more metal mathematicians:

sigma.png

Being immature with math and numbers really isn’t anything new, but this would be the first time I’ve heard of someone getting in trouble for it, with even the police getting involved.

This story is being passed around as an example of how people are becoming overly sensitive, particularly as relates to the causes of various left-wing fringe groups. Otherwise, it’s hard to imagine anyone calling the cops over a math symbol.

While most media outlets reporting on this story say that the student’s home was searched, there is a variant of this story going around which states that the student’s home wasn’t searched. It’s not a bad idea to have at least two or three sources of information on news stories, especially if at least one of those sources has an apparent political bias. Though avoiding political bias in the news is nearly impossible, a different perspective can help when otherwise, there’d be another aspect to a story you might have missed.

A student got in trouble over a math symbol. That Was Actually The News.

TWAT News: Online professor fails to recognize Australia as country

A news article on Time states that there was a professor of an online university that gave a student’s paper a failing grade after insisting that Australia was a continent, not a country. To be clear, it was the professor who insisted.

Those of us who did alright in elementary school geography know that Australia is the name of a country and of a continent. If you’re among the people who have at least that basic education, you’d not have made the mistake of thinking otherwise.

To its credit, the online college did replace the professor in question. However, there’s still something to be said for attending a college that you actually physically attend, as opposed to online colleges. Because you’d be seeing them in person, you’d know that your professors are actual professors, and not just some guy you’re teleconferencing with.

This is one of those news stories that you hear about, laugh, then later share at the coffee machine at work as your colleagues in turn laugh about the buffoonery of someone they’ve never heard about. So in that sense, this news story isn’t terribly unusual.

What really stood out to me about this story is that Time used Buzzfeed as a source. I repeat: Time used Buzzfeed as a source.

Because I’m cultivating a readership that aren’t total morons, I suspect that you already know that Buzzfeed isn’t so much a source of novel content and original reporting as it is a repackager of lazy and plagiarized content. If you’re reading “original” reporting on Buzzfeed, there’s a roughly 100% chance the reporting originated somewhere else, whether or not the original source was credited. What was original to Buzzfeed could likely have been made up by a college dropout on the fly, for all any casual reader knows. This might sound empowering if you’re an idiot, but should otherwise be recognized as enabling a complete lack of journalistic accountability.

While this story in particular may be factually accurate, it remains that Buzzfeed should not be trusted as a primary source when reporting the news. The fact that Time Magazine is trusting Buzzfeed as a source isn’t so much a compliment to Buzzfeed as it is yet another sign of Time’s fall from relevance.

Because it’s hard to trust the veracity of a story that Buzzfeed sourced, the smart thing to do is check to see whether other news outlets are making the same mistake. What I found is that The Epoch Times did the same thing. Come on, Epoch Times; that you’re a Chinese news outlet should make you above the shenanigans of western information media.

An online professor actually failed a student for identifying Australia as a country, not just a continent. That Was Actually The News.

TWAT News: Reverend needs lesson on the downsides of blasphemous libel

An opinion piece from NBC News could have easily fallen past my radar but it caught my eye, and I decided to give it a look. What I’ve found is that old dogs really don’t learn new tricks.

For one thing, the opinion piece is part of the “Think” series, which you may remember for their attempt to make gamers out to be Nazi sympathizers for the Alt-Right (Note: this is not an exaggeration, they literally attempt this). One thing I can hand to NBC News is their audacity to name their series for what they’re attempting to do for their regular audience.

However, my main issue with this piece is against it’s two writers, in particular, the reverend who should know the Bible better. Because his hit piece touches on themes of racism and slavery, I became interested in knowing what he looks like. And here he is:

rev barberA modern reverend wearing an expensive ring and a pre-Christian pagan symbol? You don’t say.

The Reverend Dr. William J. Barber, hereafter just William Barber, has much to learn about the topic of defamation. A willingness to make a group of politically-involved individuals out to be a bunch of racists who wish to reinstate slavery who actually have no inclination to do so is the behavior of a small but vocal minority that is very annoying on social media, rather than a man who has taken upon himself the task of representing the way of truth and life.

While William Barber does provide scriptural citations, the citations he makes are not specific to the matter that he is addressing, which includes Trump’s willingness to build a wall to protect American interests.

Whether William Barber cares to admit it, the Bible does not command against a country acting to protect its assets. In fact, the book of Nehemiah starts with Nehemiah returning to Jerusalem to have its wall rebuilt. As this undertaking was going on, Judah’s enemies (Philistines, Samaritans, Arabs, and Ammonites) were doing everything that they could to obstruct it, and they were soundly condemned as a result. If William Barber is to maintain the premise that he understands the inner workings of Scripture, he should at least have an elementary understanding of it’s historical events.

Perhaps more relevant to what William Barber might be going for, becoming politically-involved endangers his church’s status as a tax-exempt 501C3 organization.

However, that’s not the main issue that I have with William Barber today. Towards the beginning of his piece, he brings up the matter of Trumps alleged affair with porn star Stormy Daniels as a means of segueing into his main point. The fact that the allegation is just that, an allegation, and not proven, is key here. William Barber speaks of this adulterous affair almost as though it were a proven fact, and not as a mere accusation with the potential of being baseless.

If William Barber understood the Bible and lived by it’s principles, he would not presume guilt against a person for adultery before the matter was determined by a judge in a court of law. Even judges have to carefully consider the information presented to them after both sides of a case have made their testimonies.

Related to this, the Bible teaches “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” This is the ninth commandment. What’s more, the Bible says, “You shall not spread a false report.” (Exodus 23:1)

How does one know whether a testimony or report is true? Obviously, a person cannot make such a determination unless they were an eyewitness, victim, or perpetrator of a crime or carefully considered the evidence including confidential information that is usually only available to select individuals involved with a proceeding. Obviously, this means that ordinary members of the population who are only exposed to either allegations or arrest information from mainstream media sources do not have sufficient information to determine guilt.

This is the level of scrutiny with which the movement that cultivates political advantage through false accusation falls apart, as does the #MeToo movement that is used to snipe the careers of celebrities so the accusers can bask in the short-lived glow of cheap notoriety.

Believe it or not, wanting to protect America’s national interests (whether or not the means to do so are misguided) does not make a person racist. Disagreeing with you on some matter that you’re politically involved in (which may affect your 501C3 tax-exempt status) does not make a person a nazi, racist, sexist, or a whatever-a-phobe. People are getting better at seeing past the cynical misrepresentations that are a favored tactic of the Social Justice movement, which is one of the many reasons why people are getting sick of it.

I’m getting sick of defending Donald Trump, and I wasn’t really a big fan of the guy to begin with. But I know pretty well that the tactics that are used against him can just as well be used against any member of the population, which is why I feel a pretty strong urge to stand up and point out what I see that’s wrong. Personally, I’d rather be using this blog to talk about Pokemon.

If William Barber knew the Bible anywhere close to as well as he lets on, he’d know that defamation is a sin, and the Bible is particularly strong in its condemnation of it. I wonder whether he’s even aware that “Devil” is not a name, but a title, and it means “slanderer” or “accuser”. The enemy of mankind is known for his main trait. We have to be careful about whose work we are doing!

From a more worldly standpoint, William Barber should be more careful about how he expresses his viewpoints, as his careless accusations have the potential to be viewed as blasphemous libel, which is a form of defamation. Because William Barber is a public figure, it would be very easy for someone to sue him for damages in a court of law. And if someone has a case against him (such as Trump, for example), I say “go for it”. I’m really sick of seeing this kind of thing coming from mainstream media outlets.

EDIT (31 Jan 2018): Stormy Daniels herself has come forward and confessed in a letter that the affair never happened. Because the affair never happened, William Barber’s accusation came to a puttering stall.

What did we learn today?

TWAT News: CNN says cuckolding is great.

cuckold-printThis image came up in a DuckDuckGo search for “cuckolding”. It’s insane.

If I told you that there was a mainstream media outlet that came out in support of cuckolding, there might be some of you left that would still be surprised. Once that short-lived initial shock wears off, no surprise would follow that the mainstream media outlet in question is CNN.

Here is a link to the article. On the unlikely chance that CNN realizes what a stupid idea the article was and takes it down, you might be able to find it with the Wayback Machine.

Because CNN has become a champion of cuckolding, they would of course attempt to redefine it in a positive light, while taking aim at the supposed oppressiveness of the institution of marriage. Being predominantly left-wing, it follows that CNN doesn’t have a clue how to have a successful marriage.

There’s more to cuckolding than it merely being an adulterous affair. Cuckolding involves knowing that one’s wife is sleeping with another man, but doing nothing to stop it. It’s an insult because it’s a sign that the man is weak-willed and unable to maintain his authority in his own house. If a man knows that some other man is doing his wife, the natural reaction is for him to close up all the distance between his boot and the man’s ass in as little time as possible.

Because CNN has no problem finding an expert in the art of cuckolding, it follows that these proponents of cuckoldry have brought one in for a few pointers on how to ease your spouse into it:

“I’ve seen men who try to trick their wives into cuckolding them, and this never, ever ends up well.” -David Ley

So, treating your spouse like they’re stupid is likely to upset them. No kidding. Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me that most men have fantasized about it, as though that somehow makes it a good idea to try.

Lehmiller surveyed thousands of Americans and found that 58% of men and about a third of women had fantasized about cuckolding. -The CNN article

Because we all know that presenting unrealistically high numbers is how you turn a sexual quirk into a human rights movement. Whether it was intentional that someone’s wife is likely to read the article and come to the conclusion that her husband has a 58% chance of being a pervert, it’s hard to tell. Considering that leftists have become determined to ruin marriage at every turn, I have my suspicions.

Marriages are for people who win at life. Consider all the hurdles that a person has to overcome to come to the point that they marry another human being.

First, a person has to be able to overcome an education system that is run by passive-aggressive state employees who hate their jobs and couldn’t care less what becomes of you. The objective is to come away with some pretty good grades.

Next, a person must continue their education by pursuing a skilled trade. This involves more effort than the previous diploma-mill that merely processes a child until high school graduation, because now the person has to learn skills that are actually useful.

After that, that person has to use their skill to play a job market and attempt to get hired to a job that doesn’t pay total garbage. It helps if the skill from the previous step is one that employers have a use for. Auto mechanics are usually well-off. English majors, not so much.

Finally, that person will want to make enough money to afford a place to live, a car, plenty to eat, and have enough money left over to convince someone else that they can live comfortably with them. Afterwards, a person who previously massaged their own genitals can enjoy the luxury of having someone else do it for them.

After all that effort, you can be sure that if someone else moved in on a guy’s source of hard-earned fun, he’d go after that someone and ruin his day, and probably quite a few of his days afterwards.

Marriage is for winners, and cuckolding is for losers. Now we know which side of the matter CNN is on.

Facebook wants your nudes

peter-griffin-family-guy

Facebook has taken an interest in combating revenge porn, so they’re testing a new system that’s being developed to deal with it.

If you don’t know what revenge porn is, then you, like myself, don’t use Facebook much, if at all. Revenge porn is sharing nude photos of someone to get back at them, usually an ex that just broke up. As far as crimes go, it’s pretty stupid and short-sighted. After all, the list of suspects is usually pretty short. I can just imagine what the investigators would say:

Investigator #1:
The only person that had access to these images other than the client would be her boyfriend, who just broke up with her, and her chat logs show a conversation with him in which she shared the nudes. We’ve established a means and a motive. Any thoughts?
Investigator #2:
Give us time. We’re still examining the evidence.

How does Facebook intend to combat revenge porn? By implementing a system that recognizes hash values and blocks any that are duplicates of those already in the system. How do you get it to work? By submitting nudes of yourself before anyone else gets a chance.

What can possibly go wrong?

For one thing, that a small portion of Facebook’s staff will get to see the submission. Facebook guarantees us that this team would only see the images briefly before deleting them, and this involves taking their word for it that some of them won’t go maverick and decide to keep a few of their favorites for themselves.

So, how about it? Would you trust Facebook’s carefully-selected team of left-wing low-T beta males to take just a brief gander at your vertical smile or yogurt cannon?

The next and far more obvious problem is that this system is going to be hacked. It’s begging for it. The NSA may already have access to your nudes, but they’re government workers, and government workers get paid well whether they make something functional or not. Hackers on 4chan will happily hack into anything that anyone dares them to, whether anyone pays them for it or not, for no other reason than because they can, or because they think it’s funny. While decent paychecks are a motivator to get into your stuff, that pales in comparison to weaponized autism. Facebook’s system is going to be hacked, and it doesn’t help them that they have the equivalent of a huge neon sign advertising an enormous stash of nudie pics.

The next problem is that Facebook’s proposed hash recognition system will be far too easy to get around. Image boards such as 4chan already use a similar system to ensure that duplicate images aren’t posted, which goes a long way in ensuring that the O RLY owl doesn’t wind up in every single thread. But the owl still comes up, because altering an image’s hash value is simple: Just open the image in Paint, then change one pixel in a spot where it won’t likely be noticed. Done. Facebook’s nudie patrol will know what your breasts look like, and you’ll have done nothing to stop anybody by sharing them.

What’s more, it’s been suggested that this system be used to combat child porn. Give that a moment to sink in. Facebook is a private company, so wouldn’t they get in trouble for possessing the stuff, especially after asking for it? And what of the people that submit it to the system? If they’re the first people to submit an image, wouldn’t the implication be that they produced it?

I feel bad for Facebook’s nudie patrol. People have already gone after airport security over scanners, and they’ve been accused of being in it to see naked people, including children. Now Facebook’s nudie patrol is going to have to put up with it, too. The cherry on top is that most people don’t look like they’d be very appealing while naked. Not only will the nudie patrol be made out to be pariahs by the press and have a hard time discussing their jobs to future interviewers, they’ll be scarred by countless images from fat people and women who don’t shave down there. Yuck. Looking at naked people all day would not be a dream job.

Anyhow, I expect this system to roll out shortly in spite of what can go wrong, as well as the predictable sensationalist news stories from a corporate information media that mostly pitches to morons. Then, further down the road, there’d be the hilarious stories about the system getting hacked.