Things Are Looking Not-So-Grand For Chris-Chan, Right Now

Chris-chan and his OC, Sonichu

Things might not be going well for the infamous author of Sonichu. Just yesterday, Green County Juvenile and Domestic Relations court has decided to send Chris’ case before a grand jury to determine whether to try him.

A grand jury is not necessarily more important or serious than an ordinary trial. They convene to determine whether the evidence is sufficient to try a suspect. The defendant and judge are usually not involved, usually it’s just the prosecution and grand jury. The grand jury need not be unanimous; it need only reach a supermajority (about 2/3 or 3/4) to proceed with a trial. A grand jury gets its name from its size, usually about 23 peers, which is substantially larger than a trial jury.

This presents a potential for either good news or bad news for Chris:

  • The potential good news is that the grand jury may decide not to indict. Thus, he may soon be a free man. Though, this is unlikely, as grand juries have a high rate of indictment. As the saying goes, a grand jury would indict a ham sandwich.
  • The potential bad news is that Chris’ charge may be bumped up to a felony. The J&DR court hearing Chris’ case does not convene grand juries. The court only hears misdemeanors, and Chris’ current incest charge can be tried as either a misdemeanor or a felony.

Because most cases involve a plea bargain, and the case appears to be escalating, many following this case have begun to speculate that Chris may have declined a plea bargain, maintaining his innocence, or may have in some way mishandled the matter, akin to a previous court tantrum over pronouns (Chris has decided to identify as female, though the trans community is not humoring his game).

Based on the information available, the most likely date that a grand jury would convene in Chris’ area would be August 8. At that point, the case would be more public, by reason of the case being considered outside the J&DR court that has been hearing his case up to this point.

It’s unknown to those following this case whether Chris is still being held without bail. In a few days, it will have been a year since his arrest, the maximum amount of time a person may be detained awaiting a trial for a misdemeanor. Where he would go upon release is unknown, as he likely wouldn’t be allowed back to his previous home, as his mother presumably still resides there.

With the basic facts out of the way, it’s time for some viewpoints. First, and this should be obvious, don’t have sex with your elderly mother, no matter how desperate you might be to get some with anyone. If your pee-pee aches, and no one wants to do it for you, you might want to settle for applying the lotion yourself.

Second, if you’re the laughingstock of the online world, you might benefit from a diminished web presence. This especially goes if your historical attempts to manage your reputation have consistently fallen to shit.

Third, and this should go without saying, if you happen to be a lonely piece of work, it might be a bad idea to post a shitty webcomic expressing your abject loneliness in an infantile paracosm populated by a bunch of Sonic recolors. Tempting though it may be.

Fourth, just to get this one out there: Don’t pretend to be a woman to try to win over the lesbians. Lesbians tend to prefer biological females. It’s kinda their deal. I know, people can be so picky.

Chris-chan is what you get when you roll a 3d6 for a Wisdom stat, and somehow get a 1.

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