Category Archives: Humor

I’m smarter than your dog.

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Have you ever been driving down the street and you see one of those cocky bumper stickers that says something like “My dog is smarter than your honor student”, and you thought to yourself, “Man, how arrogant can people possibly be?”

Okay dog owners, if you’re so proud of your inbred abomination and are so sure of its abilities, then how about having a go at it? I actually did graduate with honors, so if you want to compare what your dog can do with an actual honor student, then let’s see you put your dog’s smarts to the test. Not that I expect your dog to compete with even an average kindergarten student in terms of intelligence. If your dog can write compelling essays, interpret data from a scientific study, and perform integral calculus, then we can talk.

What’s that? Are you saying that that’s not reasonable to expect from a dog? That’s just my point. Just about any human student, regardless of education level, is smarter than a dog, and if a dog were to enroll in a public school or community college, the expectations of its owner would be shattered, while the poor animal wouldn’t even be able to comprehend what was happening to it. Though if a college were to offer a course on learning to crap on paper, then perhaps your dog really could rock that GPA.

Dogs aren’t just stupid, they’re annoying. Sometimes, I’d walk down a street in my neighborhood, savoring the sunshine and the gentle breeze, when suddenly it’s ARF ARF ARF Here come some genetically-engineered pile of muscle and teeth! You might be saved by the chain-link fence separating you and the monstrosity, but not if the heart attack it causes gets you first.

Is this what dog owners mean when they say that their dogs are smart? Then, after the dog nearly scares you to death, the owner comes out and yells at it, as though they expected anything different from a degraded wolf that is biologically predisposed to barking at everything that moves. Dogs are even worse in the city, where people are just about everywhere, so dogs almost always have something to bark at.

If you’re considering getting a dog, understand that there will be days that it will annoy people who just walk down the street, who will then entertain fantasies of shooting the thing.

That might even be what the dog wants, too. Dog breeds are various degrees of degradation of the wolf specie, many of which continually tremble, labor to breathe through bunched-up snouts, and in some cases, they even spontaneously die.

poodle.jpgIts entire existence is pain.

Humans have monkeyed with nature, breeding a range of detrimental characteristics on a victimized specie for our own amusement.

And they still aren’t very smart.

The Agony of Paper Towel Dispensers

This might seem at first blush to be yet another E/N post about something that doesn’t really make a difference. But when you’re in a public restroom, when the stakes are high over sanitary conditions, it matters more that paper towel dispensers work properly.

For some reason, it seems like I’m the only one for whom these dispensers will work. The ones I’m talking about look something like this:

2493_mechanical-towel-dispenser.jpg

You see it, right? It says right on these machines that you’re supposed to pull down on the paper towel with both hands. When done right, the next one loads, and that’s one less surface in an unsanitary restroom that we have to come into contact with. But hold on, the one in the picture uses an illustration instead of words. So, there’s even less of an excuse to mess this up.

Yet, people still do. Oftentimes, some meathead will go in, do his business, then after washing his hands he’ll yank down on the towel with one wet hand, tearing away at the towel, and leaving the next guy with the onus to turning the knob to get the next towel to dispense.

We don’t want to turn the knob. It’s usually a moist germ farm which, upon contact with it, would necessitate washing one’s hands again.

Why even install mechanical paper towel dispensers in the first place? Why is so much mechanical complexity even necessary for something as simple as providing paper towels? You know what would be a lot more efficient? Just leaving a stack of paper towels on a shelf. It would be a snap to just take one, and it would be much easier for the janitorial staff to replace them. Sometimes, the best solution to a problem is the easiest one.

And no, I don’t want to dry my hands with those blow driers. You know which ones I mean, they’re the ones where you hit the button with your elbow to get it to run for a few seconds. They also have the motion activated driers, but you’d have to nearly touch your hand to the machine to get them to work. Then you’d have to rub your hands beneath them for about a minute-and-a-half, then maybe they’ll get dry, but not likely from the air supplied from the machine itself, but from the friction of rubbing your hands together.

The makers of those blow driers must know that they’re junk, because they went an made an “improved” version: the jet drier. Those ones blast your hands so hard that you can see an indentation from the air blowing from the machine as you put your hand under it. Is all that force really necessary? I don’t want to get stretch marks just from drying my hands.

If it’s really worth getting your hands dry, then sometimes it’s worth sacrificing a few trees. I know that the pretext is saving the environment, but when I’m in a public restroom and my hands are wet, it’s paper towels that get the job done right.

I know I’ve been doing a lot of complaining lately, so I think it’s about time I present a solution: to spread those paper towels around. It goes like this: If you see a public restroom that uses garbage mechanical dispensers or those smug air driers, make note of it. Then, next time you visit the establishment, take some paper towels with you and set them out. It might be somewhat inconvenient, but you’d be making public restrooms slightly more bearable for the rest of us.

“Good morning” is your opinion of the morning.

When it comes to greetings, “good morning” is among the worst. To understand why, you’d have to do as I often do: analyze things more than necessary.

For one thing, it doesn’t wish well to the recipient. It hardly even acknowledges their existence outside of the very fact that the statement was directed towards them. What it does acknowledge is the time of day, and the speaker’s opinion of it.

What makes it potentially insensitive is that “good morning” doesn’t even consider the opinion of the hearer. How would you know that that person’s morning was good? What if it wasn’t? What if that person had to rush their daughter to the emergency room in the middle of the night, and after a couple suspenseful hours, discovered that she had cancer? Is it a very “good morning” for him?

Sometimes, mornings suck. Not every morning is great for everyone. I know what someone might say in response: “But I wanted them to feel appreciated, like someone is happy to see them. Is it wrong to make someone know that someone really cares about them?” If that’s what you mean to say, then say that. The main deterrent to doing so would be that it would take more words than a banal acknowledgement of the time of day. Sometimes, something that’s worth doing takes effort. Do you actually care?

Stop abusing communication with ritualistic blurbs. If you have an intent, learn to properly express it.

Sometimes, you’ll see someone at work that makes a point of saying “good morning” to whoever they deign to. There’s someone like that where I work, and he said “good morning” to me. Out of legitimate concern? No, to fish for reciprocation, because when he didn’t hear me say “good morning” right back, he started mumbling something while trudging off. To give you an idea of the kind of self-centeredness that would take, there have been god-emperors that have not felt entitled to an obligatory salutation.

By the way, when someone says “good morning” to me, I usually say “good morning” right back. Sometimes, when you respond in kind, that’s just what it takes for someone else to realize how silly they sound, and they know to feel embarrassed.

I know I sound like I’m making a big deal out of something that really isn’t one, but there was something that happened recently that got my gears grinding. One time, when it was early in the morning, I was approaching a gas station to use their restroom. As I did so, someone sitting outside spoke a loud “GOOD MORNING” at me. I suspected that she worked for the gas station, so I didn’t pay it much mind. After entering, the man behind the counter also directed a loud “GOOD MORNING” at me.

At that point, I suspected that it was made a company policy to direct insincere greetings at random strangers, and for a moment, I pondered just how glad I was that my job didn’t have me work with the general public.

But then, I tried opening the restroom door, but it was locked. There was a sign on the door saying that it was locked early in the morning for some reason.

What gives? They wish me a “good morning” with all the false enthusiasm that they can fake, but they don’t care enough about my health and well being to leave the restroom open for me? If you won’t extend to me the courtesy of using your facilities to relieve a sore bladder, then why should I care what your opinion of the morning is?

At that point, I actually considered going out back to take a leak there, but that idea was quickly decided against when I discovered a police car stationed in a nearby vacant lot, in line of sight of the back of the gas station. So, they keep the restroom locked, and an officer is ready to swoop down on anyone who would go out back? Seems like entrapment to me.

I really don’t know why so many people like telling me that the morning is to their liking. But they are welcome to their opinions, even if an opinion that is overly general and not even grammatically proper. The correct way to express the opinion would be “It is a good morning.” Upon saying this, the listener would be put in a position to ponder just what informs the speakers opinion as to what makes a morning good. Perhaps they think it’s a good morning because they don’t like rain, and it’s not raining. But, agriculturally speaking, rain is necessary and therefore good to have. A farmer might have preferred to have more rain, so their land would be more profitable. Not everyone has the same opinion.

One could say the same thing about “good afternoon” and “good evening”. It’s the same half-hearted ritualistic greeting, just different times of day. For some reason, mornings are easier to pick on. I suspect that that’s because there’s a caffeine deficit to tend to.

Just for kicks, here is a list of things that can make my morning better:

  • Having my coffee, eggs, and toast prepared. Especially coffee.
  • My second mug of coffee.
  • Video games.
  • More coffee.
  • (redacted)
  • Another cup of coffee.
  • Catching something rare in Pokemon Go.
  • Another cup of coffee at around noon.

These would improve my view of a particular morning. Not that I’d feel obligated to share an unsolicited opinion of it. I certainly wouldn’t expect random people walking down the street to care what that opinion would be.

An image to describe 2018

The year 2018 wasn’t all bad. It’s too bad that the misinformation media is stuck on Stormy Daniels, long after she issued a confession back in January saying that the affair with Trump never happened. But hey, why would the progressive news outlets let something like facts stand in the way of their ratings trips?

If you’re one of the few people who still bother with the corporate information media, then this image describes 2018 for you pretty well:

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If you’re in the corporate media, you probably don’t read this blog, or anything that doesn’t conform to your worldview. But to the media outlet people reading this, please understand: The American public doesn’t really care about Stormy Daniels. The culture of yes-men and occupy-whatever demonstrators that you’ve surrounded yourselves with might tell you otherwise, but the American public at large, those of us who live on the surface, go to work, and live paycheck-to-paycheck, don’t care about Stormy Daniels. We don’t. It’s time to move on. It has been, for a very long time.

We’ll see what 2019 brings, but I suspect that it will be the “current year” yet again.

The McDonald’s breakfast menu is problematic.

Sometimes, you’re in the mood for a hamburger. This can happen when a McDonald’s is convenient, and you might just overlook the fact that it’s McDonald’s, and proceed to satisfy your hamburger craving.

However, sometimes this craving happens in the morning. And when that’s the case, have fun trying to get a hamburger at McDonald’s, because that’s when they have their breakfast menu going.

Who goes to McDonald’s for breakfast? Their breakfast items are gross, and any time I’ve tried them, they’ve left a sour feeling in my stomach, as though my body was telling me I’ve made a mistake. Egg McMuffins? Gross. Sausage Egg McMuffins? Grosser. They also offer bacon in their breakfast items, because orangutans love powering that stuff down their throats with a zero-minded focus.

Considering how foul the McDonald’s breakfast menu is, ignoring it is easy. The problem is, when they have their breakfast menu going, they don’t make hamburgers. So if it’s a hamburger you want, you’d have to wait.

What’s McDonald’s most famous for? Hamburgers. At one point, they’d put something like “N million hamburgers sold” on their signs. Around the time that number reached the hundreds of millions, they just changed the signs to read millions and millions sold.

Oh, hold on. The number is actually billions. My mistake.

mcdonald's billions.jpgUnbelievable.

How many hamburgers did they sell by saying “No, it’s too early in the morning. Come back when we want to make them.” I don’t know, but I suspect that the answer is close to zero.

Maybe the real problem here is that when I want a hamburger, I sometimes actually consider McDonald’s. I can do better, so why don’t I?

Heel-eaters should be banned.

I recently got a new pair of shoes. By the time I got home, I realized that I made a big mistake. I got a pair of shoes that digs into the back of my heels.

The shoes were my own size, so I didn’t make any mistake there. The shoes, while padded, still dug into the back of my heel. The shoes really did seem okay before I bought it, but its heel actually curves inward, so it digs into the achilles tendon more and more with every painful step. Eventually, the pain seems to wear off. But when I went to take my shoes off, I found blood spots on both my socks. Gross! It stung to peel them off.

Sometimes, you think you can save money by buying a cheap pair of shoes. But if you make the mistake of buying the ones that chew your heels, you find yourself buying Band-Aids and Neosporin to try to reverse the damage, and by the time you buy some of those expensive pads for your shoes, you didn’t really save money at all, did you?

The people who design these shoes have to know what they’re doing. It’s hard to imagine making shoes that damage heels any way except on purpose. After all, isn’t it easier to sew up something linearly rather than curved inward? What did these guys think they were doing when they designed these shoes with a feature that couldn’t be anything except uncomfortable?

These kinds of shoes should be banned. Why should it be considered an acceptable risk to buy a pair of shoes that have the potential of causing physical harm to the consumer? Why should the shelves at a shoe store be a minefield of misery?

It’s probably some conspiracy designed to get us to buy more shoes. After all, if we accidentally buy a terrible pair of shoes, the designers of heel-eaters might actually be banking on us not bothering to make a return, just spending more money on yet another pair of shoes. And in my case, it might actually work. I just want to get the same kind of shoes I got a few months back, and set some firecrackers off inside the heel-eaters I accidentally purchased. If I get to have some fun watching it blow up, it’s not a waste of money.

Comb your hair.

comb.pngGive it a try.

Have you ever met someone who went all out to try to impress you, but they missed something completely obvious to everyone around them? It’s likely that you met the kind of person I’m talking about; it’s the guy who memorizes facts that he learned from listicle sites and YouTube countdown videos, but something is off about him which indicates a crippling lack of self-awareness, like bad hygiene.

What I’m getting at is that you should comb your hair. If you expect me to accept that you’ve become a great intellect but can’t be bothered to spend a moment each day combing your hair, what I’m really taking away from it is that you have some misplaced priorities.

As I see it, the main people who are excused from having to comb their hair are:

  • Bald people. If you don’t have hair, you don’t have to comb it.
  • People with buzz cuts. It’s a low-maintenance hair style, and combing it doesn’t make a difference.
  • Cavemen. Cavemen make it their business to look unkempt. This sounds awesome, until you realize that cavemen don’t have video games, the internet, or smart phones.

If you have the hair of a caveman, what you’re telling the world is that you want to live like one. Living like a caveman sucks, so naturally, you’d want to avoid regressing into one. I like technology, so I don’t want to live like a caveman. I also avoid looking like a caveman so I’m not mistaken for one. If you actually do like science like so many kids pretend to, then you should want to avoid looking like someone who doesn’t.

I once met a kid who was in such a hurry to convince everyone that he’s super smart, but his hair looked like a tornado hit a loom. Nice try kid, but your hair prevents me from taking you seriously. Have you seen yourself in a mirror lately?

114.pngThis thing has better hair.

The kid had a head that seemed huge, not because his head was significantly bigger than usual, but because the rest of his body was scrawny. On top of that, his hair was such a mess that it only added to the illusion of volume. He’d stand to benefit from combing it, even if his first time would take a while.

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He’d end up looking like a cult member, but at least he wouldn’t look like a total wreck. And that brings me to my next peeve. Combing your hair is a step in the right direction, but men are expected to get a haircut more than once a year. Whether it’s done by you, a stylist, or even your mom, getting your hair done as needed shows that you care about the rest of us enough to not drag down the atmosphere with your gross head-mop.

Don’t think that just because you’re ignoring it, the rest of us will, too. We laugh at your hair, whether you know it or not.