Category Archives: Drama

Chris Chan is back.

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It’s hard to imagine this ending well. But then again, there’s a lot about this that turned out different from what I had imagined.

Chris Chan is back online.

This is just what he shouldn’t be doing. Much of his troubles got started when he first appeared online, attracting the curiosity of people around the world, including those who would mess with him.

Okay, he had problems even before he became e-famous. But if all he did was stalk women at shopping centers before security told him to leave, and act like an asshole at Pokémon TCG Leagues, that would have been better for him.

But nope, he got a web presence. And after people criticized him, he attempted damage control, and in so doing, made things far worse for himself. After a while, it became hard to tell how much of his antics were a result of people messing with him, and how much of it would have been him, anyway.

When it comes to this kind of person, it’s better to look on rather than become involved in some way. People who try trolling or otherwise get close to Chris usually end up regretting it, as they get attention that they ended up not wanting.

As messed up as Chris Chan is, just about everyone was surprised when he was arrested, accused of committing incest with his own mother. That was about the point that your boomer daddy might have heard about him from an old-fashioned news outlet. After that, anyone who held out hope for Chris Chan changing for the better were collectively disappointed, and dropped him like a hot rock.

After that came a mostly obscure legal battle, which was largely kept from public view, and after two years, Chris’s lawyer somehow succeeded in getting the case dismissed. I don’t go breaking laws, but if I were to get in legal trouble, I’d want that lawyer on my side.

After all that, what do you imagine would be the smartest thing Chris could do? Easy: Keep a reduced online presence, and mind his own business.

And the thing was, things were starting to look great for him. He somehow actually managed to find a girlfriend. As hard as it is to imagine a woman so desperate that she’d be willing to mash pissers with Chris Chan, it seems it happened. Incels, what’s your excuse?

Chris Chan might actually have Crystal Chandler’s little pitter-pattering footsteps in his near future, and all he has to do is avoid fucking things up for himself. Again.

But rather than stay offline, he instead gets on his old YouTube channel, and posts this mess:

(DISCLAIMER: Chris Chan is horrendous at singing.)

I was hoping that his whole messiah complex was just malingering, a sad attempt at an insanity defense, to be dropped like a sack of sadness as soon as it was no longer of any use to him. To continue in a charade that would result in most Abrahamic religions calling for one’s death would seem kind of counterproductive. But no, not only does he keep going with that, he speaks in the same tone as his deranged prison letters.

One thing that one might notice about this video is that Chris discovered green screens. He also learned some of the basics of video editing, and used it to edit in clips of his ponderous form gyrating as he sings bastardized Pokémon music. The video eventually degrades into multiple copies of himself onscreen, dancing in nightmarish unison.

If you’re familiar with tabletop RPGs, you’ll probably know what I mean when I say that Chris is like a character that the player gave a bunch of drawbacks during the character creation process in an effort to get some bonus points, but then the player forgot to spend the bonus points before the campaign began, and the player decided to play the character, anyway.

And now the collection of natural threes is back online.

Now, if you haven’t been following along, you might be thinking like Otaku King, and getting the idea that you can help Chris, if you could properly coach him. First, you’d be far from the only person who has had that idea. Second, pay attention to what Chris does near the end of the video, when he points to the puncture wounds in his hands.

Didn’t see them? That’s because they weren’t there.

Now, imagine how delusional that a person has to be that, when they hold their hands in front of their own face, they see a couple of huge wounds that aren’t actually there. Would you really think you can help someone like that?

You might wonder what I think is going to happen with Chris Chan, next. I really don’t know. Him getting off scot free after committing incest, him somehow finding a girl who wouldn’t mind having a boyfriend who committed incest and overlook the fact that he’s Chris Chan, and now he’s apparently returned to the home his mother was living in, so much of it is stuff I wouldn’t have expected.

Who knows, maybe Crystal Chandler will actually happen.

“You told me you’d take responsibility.”

But I’d feel so bad for the kid. Especially if it was a boy, because then Chris might attempt to change his gender. And he might attempt to change it the same way he attempted to change his own.

Some direct sunshine would be nice about now.

UPDATE: If you’re wearing headphones and are up for some more nasal screeching in your left ear ASMR, Chris made another video addressing the claims that he had sex with his mother, and he brought up the girl he was seen with.

If you’re not up for hearing more of him, I don’t blame you. But in summary, he steadfastly denies being in a sexual relationship with anyone in the year 2021, when he was arrested, and specifically denied being intimate with Barbara Chandler.

This is in spite of the fact that, in the very same year, he claimed to be in a relationship with an older woman, and would later admit that it was his own mother in a recorded call with Janke, when he made a completely unprompted confession to someone he thought he could confide in.

His defense is that the recording was spliced by Janke herself, which would have required tools and expertise that would have been unavailable to most college students at the time. Granted, we do live in the age of deepfakes now, and she had a computer professional in her family. And it’s also hard to completely discount the possibility that Chris confessed to a crime he may not have committed.

Also related to Janke, Chris brought up that he is aware that her ambition was to try to convince Chris to end his own life. I find it easy to believe that he came to that realization in hindsight, thanks to the help of people who documented the interactions between the two, which he does have access to. He does have the internet, after all. There’s nothing stopping him from seeing what people are saying about him.

As for the girl Chris has been seen with, we now have a moniker for her: Flutter. Chris called her that because she likes the MLP character, Fluttershy. Chris didn’t go as far as saying that she’s his girlfriend, but considering how close he was with her in photos, it seems likely the case.

Right now, it’s pretty obvious that Chris believes that at least one aspect of his “dimensional merge” has come to pass, and he believes that he’s Thanos-snapped the worst of the people away, leaving the people who are better or at least possess a capacity for changing for the better. That’s one heck of a cope, but there’s some crazy stuff believed by some crazy people.

He still seems to believe that he’s Jesus, but like many people today with similar delusions, he gets some details wrong. He says that Jesus was crucified in Nazareth, apparently thinking Jesus was crucified in the place where Jesus was born. He also believes that Jesus was pierced in the palms of his hands, which is a popular misconception that we can expect from someone whose ideas about Jesus came from popular media. The fact is, the nails would have gone through Jesus’s wrists.

Another false prophet, like so many of his kind, getting things wrong while expecting everyone to take him seriously.

Chris Chan is back, and he’s in damage-control mode. I doubt that things are going to turn out well for him.

The Bitterness of Ben & Jerry’s

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While ignorant political takes are no stranger to Ben & Jerry’s, they took things over the top on July 4th, when they appealed to the inordinate feeling of guilt of their fellow leftists.

If the name Ben & Jerry’s sounds familiar, yes, they are the brand of ice cream that you don’t buy because it’s way too expensive, bad for you, and not really that great.

Anyhow, here’s their crappy take:

Like many with a cereal box understanding of history, Ben & Jerry’s apparently believes that Native Americans were a peaceful lot until European colonists showed up, broke treaties by violently attacking them without provocation, then seized their land for themselves.

To get right to the heart of it, the Native Americans were not peaceful. The tribes were pretty much in a state of perpetual war with each other, and they were not gentlemen about it. They were so over-the-top that the ancient Assyrians would have wanted them to chill out.

What they’d do is gather raiding parties then proceed to attack enemy villages while they were asleep. The Native American tribes were in a constant state of war and were continually “stealing land” from each other. After European colonists showed up, the natives lost a game they were already playing to those who were better at it.

Also, Native Americans kept slaves. When a tribe conquered a village, an expected outcome for the conquered people (out of the many that were not off the table, such as torture) was to be enslaved. And there was no sign that this practice would have ended without the settlers showing up and eventually issuing the Emancipation Proclamation.

As many natives that may have been lost warring with the colonists, more were apparently lost to disease. Native Americans didn’t have the same immunity to viruses that were accidentally brought across the Atlantic with the European settlers. When these settlers moved across the land, they sometimes found entire villages which were empty.

Now, if Native Americans still held the land, would we have been better off with their culture?

Travel south to Central America, and you’ll find the Mayans, who performed human sacrifices. There were also the Aztecs, who also performed human sacrifices, but using war prisoners.

And if they remained the dominant culture of the land, do you suppose that Native Americans would have developed the same science and technology that helps ensure that life as we know it isn’t a living hell? After all, we’re talking about cultures so primitive that many of them, at the point of their discovery by Europeans, still hadn’t developed the wheel.

I don’t know about you, but I like the advances that were made possible because a bunch of violent tribesmen were displaced by the civilized and industrious. I like antibiotics because I prefer that small scrapes not be fatal. I like modern agriculture because I like having a full belly, me and billions of others. I like automobiles because I have places to go to. I like climate control because I don’t like trying to sleep in a puddle of my own sweat. I like smartphones because having access to the summation of human knowledge appeals to me.

But hey, if Ben & Jerry’s is serious about returning “stolen indigenous land”, it’s on them to demonstrate how serious they really are. A cadre of Jewish students are calling the ice cream company out, daring them to make good on their own words:

Will Ben & Jerry’s surrender the land their corporate headquarters is situated on to Native Americans? I have my doubts. When leftists like Ben & Jerry’s shoot off their mouths like this, it’s usually just to virtue signal. They don’t actually believe what they’re saying. If they did, they’d act accordingly.