If you’ve already read my article on white chocolate, you’ve probably figured out that I don’t like it. There’s another food item I don’t like, and that’s chicken wings.

I know what some of you might be thinking; “Haw dude, but I like chicken wings!” I know. A lot of people do. At one point, that was kind of surprising to me. But it seems like each time they serve wings at the cafeteria, the lines are extra long, likely because when wings are served, students send text messages to let each other know so more people can get in line. It doesn’t help that the cafeteria staff takes their time carefully counting them so that each student that orders them gets a certain amount. I seldom get wings, so when my turn finally comes around, I quickly get my order.

So, why don’t I like chicken wings? Because there’s not much to them. Chicken wings are largely skin, bones, and heavy amounts of glaze or whatever they’re coated with. Also, there’s a little bit of meat in there somewhere. I really don’t know what it is that makes chicken wings so popular, but I suspect that it has something to do with some diabolical Edward Bernays style marketing, because chicken wings were once considered a waste product.

And if you do attempt to eat them, bring some napkins with you. Those things are a MESS. Much of whatever glaze that’s on them comes off on your hands and your face (I say “your” face because I don’t have to order something I don’t like).

Then there’s the skin. Much of the fat that’s in chicken is on the skin, which is why it’s a good idea to remove the skin that’s on chicken before attempting to eat it. Wings that are glazed have the glaze placed directly on the skin. The expectation is that you eat the skin. A person can attempt to remove it, but it’s a lot of work, and the glaze comes off, which is where the wings get much of their flavor. There’s also the work of attempting to remove the bones, but by the time a person accomplished that much work, they’re left with very little meat.

That’s the problem with chicken wings: they’re too much work for too little reward. A person can decide that they don’t care, and attempt to eat them, skin and all. But then they’re packing on the pounds from all the glaze and skin they’re eating. A person can take the hard way, and get too little for it, or take the easy way, and gain a lot of weight. Should I really have to fight my food when it’s already dead?

And even if you do bring a bunch of napkins with you, that glaze persistently sticks to your hands, meriting a quick trip to the restroom right after eating to wash your hands, getting doorknobs and anything else you touch sticky along the way. So if you get a text, you either ignore it until you’ve washed your hands, or your phone is among the things that get messy on your way to wash the sugary sauce from your hands.

So, no. I don’t like wings.