If sadness had an official food, that food would be soup. That’s because soup is almost entirely insubstantial. There’s a few chunks of meat or vegetables or whatever, but the vast majority of it is broth. What is broth made of? It’s water, flavored by whatever else is in the soup. Therefore, soup is mostly water. Does water make a good meal? Of course not.

In just a few bites, you’ll have eaten the substance out of the soup, and be left with flavored water. So, what do you do? Leave the table, of course. You’re done. But no, not if you happen to share the table with a Pharisee. The busybody will come after you for not finishing your “meal”.

So, how do you finish your “meal”? By lifting the bowl up to your face and drinking your water. But no, you’re not being miserable enough for Mrs. Manners. She’ll want you to lift that water up to your face one spoonful at a time, and sip it with the kind of dignified elegance you’d only see in an old oriental painting.

Is it okay if I’m at least a little indelicate? I’m a man, after all. My idea of repairing an old motor is to hit it with a comically large hammer and seeing whether that makes it start.

You know what’s better for dinner than soup? Just about anything, really. Like stew. If you’d take the water out of soup, what you’d be left with is stew. Stew is great because it’s not watered down and insubstantial. Soup is stew, cut with water.

Also, curry. Curry is great. That’s some good eating, right there. Most people complain about it because it’s super spicy, but that’s the great thing about it. Their problem is that they’re being wimps. Spicy food rocks.

Do you know anyone who actually likes soup? I thought not. Therefore, argument over. I win. I know about the famous “Soup Nazi” that was marketed using an episode of Seinfeld. If it weren’t for Seinfeld, no one would care that there was a restaurant in New York City that sells soup. There are a bunch of other restaurants in New York City. Why anyone would stand in line for soup, then pay for it, I have no idea.