My Beef With Santa Claus

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When I was growing up, I was told that Santa Claus “sees you while you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” The idea is that he uses this information to make a determination as to whether to reward children for their behavior. But there’s something troubling about this. Deeply troubling.

For one thing, Santa’s surveillance system is in violation of the 4th amendment of the US Bill of Rights. While the NSA similarly runs afoul of this, Santa has long been a noteworthy offender. What’s especially creepy about this is that Santa’s surveillance is extended to areas where there would be an expectation of privacy, including bedrooms and restrooms.

What’s worse is that Santa has plenty of opportunity to use this system benevolently, but he simply chooses not to. If Santa’s global surveillance system allows him to see the location and activities of every single child at all times, why does he do nothing for the many children out there that are missing, abducted, exploited, trafficked, and abused? Santa possesses the means to assist these children, their families, and law enforcement in returning these children home, so why doesn’t he?

What does Santa use his global surveillance for? To make arbitrary decisions as to who should be rewarded for good behavior. But even then, his decision-making is horribly flawed. I’ve noticed that wealthy children are rewarded more than children in poverty. If Santa is fair, and possesses the means to reward each child proportionately for their benevolence, why is favoritism extended to children in wealthier families? And if Santa is benevolent, why does he overlook impoverished families who simply need more to eat?

Santa Claus, you’re one messed-up hombre. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. You may be watching us, Santa Claus, but we’re watching right back. I’m on to you.

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