Category Archives: Gender Politics

Webcomic Review: Robot Hugs

Warning: The reviewed webcomic contains explicit content. Reader discretion is advised.

robot hugs rough

Have you ever hoped that depression had an official webcomic? Me neither. But there is one that stands out as being sadder than the rest. And by “stands out”, I mean “slumps down in quivering half-hearted mediocrity”.

Robot Hugs isn’t so much a random, slice-of-life webcomic with a well-defined premise as it is a webspace where the author can dump his sad doodles, and sometimes make long, rambling illustrated tangents on whatever social justice activism that holds his interest, usually things like transgenderism, which the author identifies as being a part of, and feminism, because the author so desperately wants the female community to accept him as one of their own.

Early entries to Robot Hugs are usually random, inane drawings that really have nothing to them. Take this random example:

2011-08-25-A good way to go

That’s not a random panel from a strip. The previous and following comics have nothing to do with it. This is the build-up, delivery, and punch line. There is only one panel in this entry, and that’s it. No point, no effort, and no worthwhile thought.

Stick figure art is something that can be done well. In fact, some pretty good webcomics have been done with stick figure art, such as Cyanide & Happiness. In the vast majority of cases, however, it’s a cop-out that’s used to produce a sub-par product with a minimum of effort while leaning on the crutch of “style”. In some of those cases, it’s how talentless artists are enabled to coast along with a minimum of effort. In the case of Robot Hugs, there is some small sign of improvement as time went on, but it usually involves the bare minimums of stick figure art, such as good color choices and better-defined lines. Expressive facial features are sparse, but that can be sold as minimalism. At one point, he even takes on shading, but gives it up before long. Robot Hugs takes a style that’s mainly ironically likeable for its minimalism, and takes it even lower.

And then, with no warning, the author backs down from all the progress that he’s made on his style and goes to a hand drawn style that’s even worse:

2017-11-01-analogue

To be fair, he does give a reason for why he does this. However, there’s something more to it, which we can read about on his profile: The author studies in UX/IA, which has to do with website design. So he actually does spend a significant amount of his life staring at display screens. However, when one looks at his own website, how exactly is he putting his knowledge in website design into practice? He’s obviously not new at this, as his archives indicate that he’s been at it since 2009, and he usually updates about a half-dozen times a month with webcomics that are sub-par in quality.

Considering all this, and assuming that the author is trying hard, I suspect that the source of his ongoing sadness is that he’s putting a disproportionate amount of effort into something that he doesn’t really have a talent for. As children, nearly all of us are told that “we could be anything we want to be”. This is a disastrously terrible thing to tell a child, as it sets them up to pursue interests that are outside their own talents, and develop such an emotional attachment to their pursuits that they make them a part of their identity, making it an even stronger hit when they fail to live up to the expectations set for them.

The author of Robot Hugs doesn’t want to stare at display screens for long periods of time, and his webcomic has been insubstantial in quality since its inception over 9 years ago. Perhaps it’s about time for him to admit that it’s not his thing to either design websites or write webcomics. What he does instead, I don’t know; that’s the kind of thing that he can only determine after careful consideration of himself and how he can benefit society. However, it’s clear that making webcomics is not his thing.

Unless you can look at this and think “talent”:

2017-02-17-types of rats

The parts of his comic that are the most well-thought-out would be his SJW ramblings, which is not a compliment. If your only exposure to the SJW ideology would be YouTubers who make fun of them, go ahead and read an opinion piece from a veritable SJW. What you’ll find out is that the aforementioned YouTubers aren’t making up strawman arguments, they are actually taking on the SJW ideology itself, exactly as it’s presented when SJWs speak for themselves.

Here is a link to an example comic. (WORKSAFE WARNING: If you click that link, your employer’s IT department might think you’re an idiot.)

And speaking of worksafe warnings, the following came from the Robot Hugs “About” page:

NSFW comics are generally labelled as such.

Except they’re not, so his archives are a minefield of cartoon penises and vaginas that you might object to if you are somehow upset by naturally occurring features of human anatomy, or if you have a problem with these things being drawn poorly. The main character’s nipples might be considered explicit, considering that he’s a biological male who identifies as a female. Would they be? Have we figured it out yet?

And, as if it weren’t already obvious that this comic stars a self-insert, the author uses the webcomic to give us life updates:

2012-10-19-New Tablet

Whoop-dee-doo. Too bad your new tablet didn’t do anything to make your comics any better. You know what would? Having someone else do your art. And your writing. And your website design, for that matter. In fact, maybe you should pull a George Lucas and sign over creative control of your comic. Too bad that a guy would have to be insane to take this mess on, and once they come to their senses, they’d deep-six the whole thing.

The author of Robot Hugs spends too much time trying to be something he’s not: a webcomic artist, a decent website designer, even a woman. He doesn’t have what it takes to do any of these things; it’s time for him to stop kidding himself.

Robot hugs gets a score of a-sad-excuse-for-a-comic out of ten.

sick score

Which would be a 0.5 out of 10. If you’re thinking of making your own webcomic, you can do a better job than Robot Hugs with just a little something called effort.

This is when the #MeToo slander campaign falls apart.

For a short while, porn star Stormy Daniels has enjoyed the notoriety that stemmed from her claim that she had an affair with President Donald Trump. Just yesterday, however, she fessed up that the affair never happened, according to The Washington Post.

While on the page, WaPo’s emo header caught my attention:

twp dies in darkness

Democracy Dies in Darkness? OH NOEZ!!!1 😥 😥 😥 That’s so sad... How can they be so mean?!?!?!?

But at least The Washington Post is being up-front with their objective.

As the #MeToo campaign gained in popularity, I’ve suspected that it was used to snipe celebrities and political figures as a means to bask in media attention for a short time, as I expressed in yesterday’s entry.

As the false-accusation trend reached its zenith, it needed a champion to act as its representative and ambassador of its virtues. Who better to fulfill that role than Stormy Daniels, who knows how to manage attention because the nature of her line of work demands it? And not only that, she had the plentiful gumption to level an accusation of infidelity at the very President of the United States?

Since taking her spot as the face of false accusation culture, she has been invited to appearances on Inside Edition and Jimmy Kimmel, as well as cashing in on sold out strip shows and having an appearance in a Las Vegas show known as the “Oscars of Porn”. She’s doing pretty well for herself, considering she shows her cunny for a living.

As many public figures do, Stormy Daniels has hired a lawyer. People who hire lawyers don’t usually understand what lawyers are about, so you can imagine her surprise when her lawyer told Stormy Daniels that she’d be a lot less likely to get into some legal hot water if she stopped going around lying to people. Was this what happened? I don’t know, but I imagine that this was what spurred her into coming clean with a full confession.

She made the whole thing up. Stormy Daniels had no affair with Donald Trump.

Suddenly, the #MeToo campaign and slander culture as a whole has lost their representative. She has done the worst possible thing that a person can do for their cause when what they represent is a total lie: she came clean.

There is more to this development than having lost a representative. The inference is obvious: if the chief representative of a movement founded on dishonesty has come forward and confessed to her dishonesty, then the dishonesty of the movement must be more far-reaching than is immediately apparent.

One can build up a skyscraper that can be seen for miles with the finest engineering that can be funded. But if the foundation of the structure is pure garbage, then the entire thing is eventually going to come crashing down, no matter how high it’s built. And so it is with the culture of false accusation that is made for cheap notoriety or as a cynical way to silence critics.

When you tell a lie, you’re playing a game you can’t win, as it involves speaking against reality itself, and may come with it struggling to maintain the ruse for a long time, possibly for the rest of your life, with the only way out being to finally come clean.

Steadfast adherence to moral principles wins the day once again.

Your man card is lame.

Out of curiosity, I looked up man cards using Google image search. This one caught my attention:

7996199156_57370e5b72_z

The fact that it was made on an existing template wasn’t really new. It’s another symptom of meme culture, and can be likened to another 13 year old DeviantArt artist that thinks that they’re making something of their own by tracing/vectoring someone else’s work.

The reason why this “man card” is lame is because the feats listed are lame. I suspected that maybe the creator was aiming for something ironic, and I was ready to hammer on it anyway on the claim that I was taking it at face value. However, I found the blog entry that featured it prominently, used in a non-ironic manner. At least I didn’t have to go out of my way to credit the author, considering that the watermark was so huge. The fact that he was willing to go so far out of his way to take credit for it led me to the conclusion that he was really serious about this.

The problem with his man card is the same problem that I see with so many other man cards: the feats aren’t really feats, which leads me to suspect that the author is keeping expectations within his own ability to fulfill them.

In fact, here is a list of each of these accomplishments with me making fun of them one at a time:

Grow Mustaache (sic)
Stop for a moment and let it sink in that a spelling error is in the very first feat on his card. That’s the level of ineptitude we are dealing with here. Not only that, there’s the fact that he has growing a mustache listed as a feat. Growing a mustache isn’t a challenge. Your body does it by itself if you let it. Unless you live under some fanatical oppressive government that is cracking down on mustaches, growing one is no more an accomplishment than drinking beer.

Drink Beer
The simple consumption of a grown-up beverage. I’m sure your daddy is real impressed. If you’re one of those guys that avoids alcohol for whatever reason, then I suppose drinking barley juice would suffice.

Rescue kitten from tree
I’m giving the author this one, even though it’s another task that one can accomplish without leaving their back yard. After all, it’s the closest thing on his wimpy little man card that bears any resemblance to a real accomplishment. But somehow, I get the idea that he was so eager to put it on his card because it was the most exciting thing that he had ever done.

Survive a snake bite
Lame. For one thing, why would you want to give snakes a chance? What’s more, 90% of snakes are non-venomous and therefore surviving a bite from one is not an accomplishment in which you can take true pride. Unless it’s from something hardcore like an anaconda, there’s not much to brag about in surviving a snake bite.

Eat Bacon
Oh yeah, because we all know how much of a challenge it is to go to the supermarket, spend a few dollars on something, then prepare it for consumption after taking it home. By the way, everyone can get over bacon, already. Edward Bernays is dead, so let’s just move on.

Bait your own hook
If he wanted something on here about fishing, he could have made it something like catching a trout then killing, cooking, and eating it. Instead, he wants to brag about baiting the hook. At this point, he wouldn’t surprise me if one of these feats was “wiping from front to back”.

Wear spandex without looking fruity
That’s right, he wants you to wear spandex. Also, it matters to him whether you look “fruity” while doing so.

Adjust your own derailleur
That’s right, he literally listed changing gears on your bicycle. Something that can be done with levers mounted on handlebars for that very purpose. Notice the use of the word “own”, because adjusting someone else’s gears would not be satisfactory.

Fix your own bike
This is almost an accomplishment, but it’s not as though bikes are mechanically complex. Seeing as the author writes for a mountain biking blog, it’s strange that he’d list it as being a true feat. Obviously, he wanted to take the opportunity to elevate his own hobby by elevating a mundane task thereof to the status of manliness. It’s easy to see through.

Wear pink, confidently
No.

Kill Spiders
Did the author’s girlfriend write this? This isn’t exactly a feat of daring. Men are much bigger than spiders. Much, much bigger. The spiders wouldn’t stand a chance.

Drink Espresso
I’m sure that the guy who listed “Eat Bacon” as a manly deed would find just as much fulfillment by going to Starbucks, ordering one of their espressos, then drinking it. What kind of sheltered life does this person live if he’s listing such modern conveniences on his man card?

Ride a motorcycle
The reason why motorcycles are considered manly is by association with the manly men that ride them. When we see someone ride a motorcycle, we imagine that the rider does gutsy things, such as punching rattlesnakes. Now we know that there’s one biker out there that wants a gold star for eating bacon.

Shoot Guns
I suppose that BB guns count, and those tin cans in his back yard didn’t stand much of a chance. For the two or three communist-sympathizing net cafe refugees that read this, no, shooting a gun isn’t hard.

Work on any car
It doesn’t say “get it working again”, so you can be completely inept and claim full credit just for trying. Yay for participation trophies!

Grill Meat
When I came to this one, I decided to go back and make a tally of how many feats on this card involve food. It’s four. Great work, He Man. You can eat things.

Smoke Cigars
Smoking is one of the stupidest things that people today do. You know you’re dealing with something special when people willingly consume a product that tells you that it causes cancer on the label. If someone tells you that he doesn’t consider you manly unless you smoke, you don’t need his respect.

That’s it? That’s a relief. If he kept going, he’d probably have suggested walking the dog or eating ham. What a lame-o man card. I’d be embarrassed to carry something like that around.

While looking, I found a man card that I actually liked, and it was posted in a Wikia about manliness, of all things:

Man_Card_-_Manly_Wiki

Now that’s what I call a Man Card. The fonts, the pic of Mike Conley, and the fact that the feats are actual feats, it’s great. I haven’t even done all the things listed on that card. That’s what a real man card is all about: challenging yourself to do things that you have to come out of your comfort zone to do. If more people carried man cards like this, and accomplished its feats, women would spend less time wondering where the real men went.

But if you’re wondering where the round-faced Nancy-boys are, they’re the ones that are at home giving themselves check marks for eating bacon.

TWAT News: Yet another feminist shows her boobs.

emma watson tacky.png

It’s been another three months, and yet another feminist has exposed her breasts, and the drama has played out just as scripted. Because the game is old, fewer people are biting than ever before, so the production is more contrived than it’s ever been.

So, who’s the principle player, this time? It’s Emma Watson.

Look, each time this scripted scenario plays out, it begins with someone doing something that is well within their rights to do, and almost nobody cares. However, because at least one person out there takes the bait, the show is enabled to continue, and the actor can continue with their next line: by claiming to be a feminist, and that showing their boobs somehow advances women’s rights in a civilization that already grants women entirely the same freedoms as men (with preferential treatment over men, in some cases).

This time, the person who took the bait was Julia Hartley-Brewer, who tweeted this:

“Feminism, feminism . . .  gender wage gap . . . why oh why am I not taken seriously . . . feminism . . . oh, and here are my t*ts!”

Thanks a lot, Julia. If everyone had just ignored Emma, she would not have been enabled to continue. But you answered her, and Emma continued with the next lines in the script:

“They were claiming that I couldn’t be a feminist and have boobs. Feminism is about giving women choice.”

Like any other feminist that has existed in the last several decades, Emma couldn’t make her critics look unreasonable without first building up a straw man so she can tear it down. No one is saying that feminists can’t have boobs or that women can’t have choice. The world would become a better place if feminists like Watson would just get over themselves.

“Feminism is not a stick with which to beat other women with.”

Agreed. Put that into practice.

“It’s about freedom. It’s about liberation. It’s about equality.”

Mission accomplished. In western civilization, anyway. What are you doing about the numerous sex slaves in the Middle East?

“I really don’t know what my t*ts have to do with it.”

Neither do I. You’re the one that brought them into this.

Look, we all know that when feminists bare their boobs, it’s not to advance the feminist cause, considering that there’s no conceivable way that such an action would make life better for any woman anywhere. It’s about exhibitionism. Some women love sharing their boobs, and they are using feminism to enable them.

One feminist, Sharron Foster, had this to say on the matter:

“I live by the beach and I’ll happily swim in a bikini and often go topless on holiday in a warm country – why should that mean I can’t also be a feminist? That’s simply ludicrous.

“Being a feminist means making your own choices and doing what you feel is right for you.”

Again, no one is saying that women can’t bare their breasts and also be feminists. And for those who would dig up one or two tweets from someone who actually said such a thing, you’d be cherry-picking. The majority has understood the tendency of feminists to use their cause as a pretext for exhibitionism. PETA pulls this, as well.

I, on the other hand, am not cherry-picking. I’m showing the feminists’ arguments in full force, and taking them on as presented. Here’s more of what Foster has to say:

“I do not care what men or even other women think in terms of how I dress or what I choose to do because if you live by the opinion of others you only devalue your own. As a jewellery (sic) designer I am financially independent, I make all my own decisions and hope I am an excellent role model to both my five-year-old son, James, and 19-year-old daughter, Sophia.”

Does anyone doubt that her children will turn out just fine with an exhibitionist mother who is a shill for a fringe left-wing cause?

“I have always tried to raise my daughter to believe that all women should feel empowered to follow their desires.”

This is one of the main problems with modern feminism. It’s not about what they think, it’s about what they feel. When she feels like showing her breasts, she does it.

“Posing topless, for example, is not an incitement to being touched. Are men really so little in control of themselves?”

The answer is no. Believe it or not, most men don’t think about sex every waking moment of the day, and society doesn’t benefit from the notion that they do.

If the men you hang out with behave like knuckle-draggers, your solution to this problem is to seek out the company of better men.

“People who criticise (sic) Emma Watson for her Vanity Fair photo are only projecting their own prejudice on to her.”

Please explain. Psychological projection has to do with defending one’s self from one’s own faults by attributing those faults to someone else. Who is Emma Watson prejudiced against?

If you want to show your boobs, that’s your business. But when you make it about feminism, people can see right through your ruse. Personally, I don’t see Emma Watson’s breasts as a big deal. If not seeing her breasts means not hearing her shilling her pet cause, I’d consider it a bargain.

TWAT News: Teacher accused of sex with student smiles

A teacher has been accused of having sexual contact with a student. That doesn’t sound extraordinary in itself, right?

Because this is the mainstream information media we’re talking about here, it’s expected of you to immediately assume guilt, especially in cases involving sexual conduct like this one, and look up the accused’s address so you can throw bricks through their windows.

Without paying mind, of course, to the fact that the key term here is “accused”, so that in the event that the supposed perp is acquitted, her name will continue to appear associated with the alleged crime in Google searches made by prospective employers for decades to come, along with her photograph, even though she may not have done it. And with some very elementary internet sleuthing skills, one can find her current address as well as every address she’s ever lived at, every phone number she’s ever had including the ones that have been returned to circulation for future Verizon customers, her email address, social security number, license plate numbers, and bank account statements.

She decided to do something about it. So here is what she did:

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She smiled for her mugshot. And not just any smile, either. She smiled a big, bright, beaming smile.

Because if old media is going to go full tilt to attempt to demolish every trace of whatever life she may have had, the very least she could have done was deny them the ol’ killer’s pout.

So, what is it that she’s accused of? She supposedly had a sexual encounter with a 17-year-old student as she taught anatomy at a high school. No word yet on whether the encounter was intended as some sort of “special demonstration”, but this story already sounds like some half-baked porno.

Hello, elephant in the room. We all know that if the gender roles were reversed, we’d be reading a very different story. Women are treated far differently by the criminal justice system, which largely stems from the fact that in cases involving sexual impropriety, the presumption of guilt is usually on the man, as though it was never the woman’s idea. Even if he were entirely sure that he would not be convicted, if in the same position and charged with the same crime, managing any smile for a mugshot would demonstrate a thorough detachment from the reality around him that was kicking his butt up around his ears, figuratively speaking. Literally speaking, it would likely be seizing his home and cars, emptying his bank account, writing up tons of legal fees, taking his children into “protective” custody, enabling his wife to divorce him, and making him live in a tiny cell where he eats garbage and sleeps around people who want to stab him.

Go ahead and smile, Sarah Fowlkes. We know you tried as hard as you could.

This Was Actually The News: Roommate seeker discriminates against Trump supporters

Old media is becoming increasingly difficult to parody, what with their willingness to put any inane or ridiculous thing out there as news. Because of this, I’ve decided to try a series titled “This Was Actually The News” (or TWAT News for short), where I look at what makes the news these days. I’m not going to limit my news selections to a specific criteria, mainly in the interest of allowing myself the freedom to mock or be pleasantly surprised at whatever news stories I wish.

And what better way to kick this series off than with an article by CNN that should not have made it past the classifieds page.

23-year-old Sahar Kian made the news after taking out a classifieds ad seeking a roommate with the condition that the roommate not be a Trump supporter.

And that’s it. That’s what made this story newsworthy. That someone doesn’t want to share some cheap apartment somewhere with someone that they don’t politically agree with. Of course, the vitriol is directed at Donald Trump, so it’s no surprise that old media is going to jump over this with all the eagerness of Jared Fogle at a daycare.

Yes, there are millions of ignoramuses out there that wouldn’t cohabit with someone with a different opinion. But what makes Sahar Kian different is that she came right out and said it. What makes this story interesting isn’t that she did, it’s that old media decided to make a news story out of a simple classifieds preference. So, it actually says a lot more about old media than it says about the umpteen millionth liberal fringe lunatic that thinks that animals are people.

She probably isn’t going to have a problem finding a roommate now, now that her classifieds ad has made nationwide news. The only question is how long her choice of roommate will be able to stand her. If what she seeks in a roommate is any indication, the answer is that it won’t likely be very long.

For one thing, she doesn’t allow pets into the house. This in itself isn’t unusual, as it is a rule enforced by certain landlords. However, she also bars alcohol and meat products. So she’s liberal, but not so liberal that she’d allow people to choose for themselves what they eat and drink.

Kian also has a victim complex, as indicated in the following statement issued by Kian herself:

“Look at me, I’m brown. I’m a woman. I am somebody who is heavily reliant on Obama’s pre-existing condition clause,”

She’s also not at all hesitant to bring her battle against imaginary racists and sexists into matters. Look, I know that Trump haters are sincere in their beliefs that Donald Trump and his supporters actually are racists and sexists, and in most cases, they believe it because they were presented with evidence that, however fallacious, was convincing enough for them. What I’m saying is, when you live with someone who is paranoid enough, you’re going to see days in which they misplace their stuff and then go around saying that their enemies are stealing from them and accusing their roommates of being in on some conspiracy to do so.

As for “Obama’s pre-existing condition clause”, she’d be referring to Obamacare and her fear that the unsustainable healthcare law will be repealed. As it turns out, the law to replace it retains a ban on discriminating against people with pre-existing conditions, but that doesn’t prevent Kian from making assumptions, nor does it stop Kian from thinking that Trump and his supporters are out to get her.

Speaking of her ad, Kian says:

“It doesn’t say no conservatives in my ad, it doesn’t say no Republicans, it doesn’t say no Christians, it says no Trump supporters.”

Of course, it really doesn’t have to, because of her prohibition on tasty food and grown-up beverages. It’s obvious that she doesn’t want to talk politics unless it’s with someone who is in complete lock-step with the agenda of whatever left-wing fringe group that she’s a part of.

If it weren’t for the fact that this story made national news, Kian would stand almost no chance whatsoever of finding a roomie. The average person does have an ability to determine whether there’s something off about someone, even if on some small, subliminal level (it’s that so-called “creep vibe”). Kian embraces her inability to compromise with her fellow human being with an unsettling openness, which is just what makes her so unappealing. Her classifieds ad reads as a list of demands, including restrictions against food items, and it’s likely that she’d be leaving out quite a few demands that any potential roomie won’t find out about until after they’ve made the mistake of co-signing a lease with her.

So yeah… an anti-Trump classifieds ad was actually the news. Yep.

MTV and Buzzfeed on being a guy.

mtv-guy-code

You might want to disable your gag reflex for this one. This involves Buzzfeed. It also involves MTV. And MTV wants to impose their sad ideas of what it means to be a guy on the rest of us.

MTV (more specifically, MTV2) has posted “14 Rules Of (sic) Guy Code That Can Never Be Broken“. That MTV, property of global mass-media corporation Viacom, believes that they are in a position to tell the rest of us how to conduct ourselves as men is, in itself, interesting. But it gets even funnier when you get into the actual content of the article.

Let’s get started.

1. GREET APPROPRIATELY
I. No hug comes without a bro handshake first.
II. No hug comes without a pat on the back after.

The bro hug is the culturally-relevant male greeting of the current half-decade, much in the same way as the fist-bump was in the previous half-decade. And like the fist-bump, the bro hug is mere years from being cycled out, only to occasionally be brought up again by your awkward friends who are a tad behind on things.

Considering the temporary nature of these fad greetings, it’s interesting that MTV is ascribing to it the importance of a rule to never be broken. One might even get the idea that they don’t honestly think that their list will even be relevant in five years, and considers it of no more value than its ability to market a vapid television program.

III. No high fives are given to overeager bros.

Shown in the article is an animated picture of a man attempting to high five a couple people who don’t even notice him. Some rules are self-enforcing.

2. CHOOSE THE RIGHT URINAL
I. No urinal encroachment.

While there is little dispute over this rule, if any, MTV can be criticized for playing it safe for including a nearly universally-known rule. There’s very little point in bringing it up unless there are some specifics to get into, such as whether to take the urinal that is two urinals down from an occupied one, or whether to take the furthest.

II. No short urinals, unless you’re a child or a man-child.

Very short-sighted, MTV. It’s obvious that they’re not thinking to accommodate those who, by reason of substantial length, would require a lower urinal. I’m disappointed, MTV.

III. No loud dick shaking.

I wasn’t aware that this is a serious issue, but apparently, in Viacom’s offices, it is.

3. DON’T LET YOUR GIRL RUN YOUR LIFE
I. No dance classes.

If I suspect that my girlfriend wanted to control my life, The first signs I’d look for would be the ones that are likely to come up sooner. Such as telling me how to put my socks and neckties away. Once it gets to the point of dance classes, the problem is already pretty far advanced.

At this point, I suspect that the author is intentionally setting the bar low, and in so doing, inadvertently revealing something about himself.

II. No reading the same book together as a couples bonding activity.

Wrong. I can think of some books that can be read by couples. Such as the Bible. Also, The Alphabet of Manliness by Maddox.

aom-maddox

III. No sharing her clothes even if they’re “unisex” and you like the “silky feel.”

Are you kidding? Is this really such a universal problem that it has to be included in a list of pointers on how to be a guy? It’s as though the author is seriously ignorant or thinks very little of his audience. Did it occur to him that a guy who would wear women’s clothes wouldn’t care about a guy image? Because it’s quite obvious that that wouldn’t be what he’d be going for.

4. DON’T LET YOUR FRIEND’S GIRL RUN YOUR LIFE

You know what? There are people out there that probably actually could use this list. If there is someone out there that has so little confidence that they’re being whipped by a woman that isn’t even putting out for them, they really could benefit from a list that sets the bar so low. Baby steps.

I suspect that the author of this list is projecting, by the way.

I. No dating your friend’s girl before, during, or after their relationship.

If someone else’s girlfriend is running their life, she is very likely the one that started it. What she hopes to gain from playing her game, I don’t know.

II. No telling your friend’s girl about your friend’s other girl.

Why would anyone do this? It’s obvious that he already made his choice, and should be ready for the consequences when the two inevitably find out about each other.

III. No asking your friend’s girl if she has any “biddies” to set you up with.

There are a lot of reasons why I don’t suspect that most people would actually do this, and they generally have to do with the fact that I think more highly of people than MTV does. But then again, MTV is aiming for a particular audience here.

5. PRANK RESPECTFULLY
I. No broken bones.
II. No hijacking their phones.
III. No resulting loans.

Why not level up and not prank? Most pranks involve acts that are illegal.

6. MANAGE YOUR PORN
I. No using your roommate’s laptop.

In general, it’s not a very good idea to use anyone else’s laptop for most purposes, considering that you don’t know what they’ve been doing with it. Not that I don’t let other people use mine, on the principle that it doesn’t hurt for a gun to have an additional set of prints.

II. No writing “reviews” on the message board.

The word “reviews” is in quotation marks, so I suspect it means pretending to be an art connoisseur. In some cases, this can be pretty funny.

III. No waiting up late for live shows to start.

Your mom wants you to get up early for school tomorrow.

7. EAT LIKE A MAN
I. No cutting your pizza with a fork and knife.

If someone cares whether you do this, they probably don’t make a very good friend. Seriously, who cares?

Also, on a related note, there are those who complain about Americans using chop sticks when eating oriental food, particularly Asian servers. We can make a deal: we can pretend to know how to eat with chopsticks, and in exchange, you can pretend that you’re serving real oriental food.

II. No thinking you’re cute if you get foam on your nose from a cappuccino.

It’s not about whether someone actually gets foam on their nose. No, the problem is whether someone thinks they’re cute for it. How is anyone supposed to enforce this? I have no idea, because I’ve never tried anyone for thought crimes.

III. No asking the waiter to cut your hamburger bun in half.

You don’t have to. Hamburger buns are served sliced in half. They pretty much have to be. Otherwise, it’s pretty hard to get the patty between both halves.

8. DRINK LIKE A MAN
I. No asking for a “brewski.”
II. No colored straws, mini umbrellas, or drinks named after movie characters.

It should be obvious at this point that this isn’t so much a list governing guy conduct as it is a list of a miserable person’s pet peeves.

III. No shouting “shots for everyone!” without buying shots for everyone.

Also, never throw your money on the table. People might think you have a lot of the stuff.

9. DON’T BE WEIRD AT THE GYM

So, someone who has never been to the gym is going to attempt to tell us how to behave at a gym? This is going to be a treat. Let’s see what important issues he’s going to touch upon.

I. No running with “toe shoes.”

Picard-Facepalm

II. No looking at your abs in the gym mirror.

Why would anyone want a visual indication of their progress in the very place that they work toward a goal?

III. No group stretching except for extremely tight circumstances.

If an activity makes the author feel uncomfortable, he doesn’t want you to do it, either.

10. BE A GOOD GROOMSMAN
I. No skipping out on the bachelor party because you have a work thing.

While skipping out on a close friend’s special occasion is usually not a good thing, what I find disturbing here is that the author refers to gainful employment as a “work thing”. Believe it or not, a person’s career is usually very important to them. It’s not just their source of income, it’s how they justify their existence among other people. When someone greets you, it’s not rare of them to ask what you do for a living, and assign you a value based on your answer. Men see other men based on what they do with their lives. Because of this, people usually make sacrifices to their hobbies to further their career. Even if it means playing video games for a few fewer hours a day.

II. No making a long speech about how lonely you are.

I suspect that the author identifies with the temptation to do so.

III. No catching the garter.

Understanding this peeve requires understanding the superstition that the man who catches the garter is the next man to marry. The joke is that marriage is avoided by men because if they’re not married, they can keep right on sleeping around. Being married doesn’t prevent a man from doing that. The fidelity is implied. But if a man doesn’t intend to be faithful to any woman, you probably shouldn’t trust him for advice on how to be a better man.

11. KNOW HOW TO TAKE ALL-BRO PICS

MTV wants every guy to be a photographer. Why? I don’t know. Look, some people are better than other people at certain things. It’s why the concept of “pros” exists. If there’s an expert photographer in the group, you have them take the picture, not just any guy in the group.

I. No demanding that everyone look serious and tough.

Why not? It might make a funny picture.

II. No touching if no one else is touching.

Again, if the author feels uncomfortable with something, he doesn’t want anyone else doing it.

III. No forgetting your beach shirt.

MTV wants you to include a Hawaiian shirt in your EDC.

12. REGULATE FLATULENCE

Now those left-wingers want to regulate farting. Them liberals and their regulation of everything is going too far!

I. No denying it.

Unless you didn’t actually do it, right? Fart transparency isn’t some huge issue that I’m aware of. So, who cares? Considering that it’s a natural process with very little if anything in terms of consequences, why should anyone care who does it?

II. No forcing it.

This proves it. MTV is made up of fart hippies who only want their farts to be all-natural. Next thing you know, they’ll be demanding organic farts and gluten free farts. And don’t get me started on vegetarian farts. Those are nasty.

III. No talking about it like it’s art.

For some people, farting is art. Skilled farters exist, just as we have skilled belchers.

13. NO DICK SELFIES
I. No dick selfies for your girlfriend.

The one who would primarily be interested? I thought this was a list for guys. Now you’re trying to tell our girlfriends what they should be interested in?

II. No dick selfies for yourself.

If a person takes a dick-pic for himself, his consent is implied. Just who is he going to upset?

III. No dick selfies for your political future.

As it turns out, MTV is not too left-wing for an Anthony Wiener joke. Though, to be fair, that’s one bandwagon that’s hard to stay off of. Think about the level of impairment it would take to mistake an MMS message for social media. What a world-class blunder.

14. MAINTAIN YOUR BROMANCE

I was a little concerned that someone who would write up a list telling us not to stretch with assistance would be too sexually insecure to give us a few pointers on bromance. Let’s see what wisdom he has to impart.

I. No driving separately to the game.

What game would this be? If this guy is going to give us pointers on how to fart, one would assume that he’d make more than an implication that every man is interested in sports, which isn’t really true, anyway.

II. No being too busy for Mario Kart.

Again, sometimes, people make sacrifices to their hobbies for their careers. A person’s career is important. After all, a person needs money to pay the bills, and to have hobbies like Mario Kart to begin with.

III. No reservations about personal space.

Unless you’re having your picture taken. Or stretching.

THE AFOREMENTIONED ARE OFFICIAL TERMS OF GUY CODE, TO BE UPHELD IN GUY COURT.

If you’ve never heard of Guy Court, it’s a program on MTV2. Viacom saw the potential for marketing through social media, and decided to throw a list on how to be a guy onto a social media outlet, even if it happened to be Buzzfeed, which is populated largely by teenagers who think that they have the world figured out. Even if they didn’t know how.

By the way, Guy Court was cancelled after only 12 episodes in less than 2 months. It seems people don’t want to take advice on how to be manly from MTV. Not that MTV’s audience would be ideal for marketing such a message.

All things considered, this list of guy code rules is pretty pathetic. How about it? Should I make a list of rules on how to be manly? Not that I’d expect everyone to follow it or even take it seriously, but I think I can write something up that would be far more entertaining than Viacom’s sad attempt to market their programming.