TWAT News: Reverend needs lesson on the downsides of blasphemous libel

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An opinion piece from NBC News could have easily fallen past my radar but it caught my eye, and I decided to give it a look. What I’ve found is that old dogs really don’t learn new tricks.

For one thing, the opinion piece is part of the “Think” series, which you may remember for their attempt to make gamers out to be Nazi sympathizers for the Alt-Right (Note: this is not an exaggeration, they literally attempt this). One thing I can hand to NBC News is their audacity to name their series for what they’re attempting to do for their regular audience.

However, my main issue with this piece is against it’s two writers, in particular, the reverend who should know the Bible better. Because his hit piece touches on themes of racism and slavery, I became interested in knowing what he looks like. And here he is:

rev barberA modern reverend wearing an expensive ring and a pre-Christian pagan symbol? You don’t say.

The Reverend Dr. William J. Barber, hereafter just William Barber, has much to learn about the topic of defamation. A willingness to make a group of politically-involved individuals out to be a bunch of racists who wish to reinstate slavery who actually have no inclination to do so is the behavior of a small but vocal minority that is very annoying on social media, rather than a man who has taken upon himself the task of representing the way of truth and life.

While William Barber does provide scriptural citations, the citations he makes are not specific to the matter that he is addressing, which includes Trump’s willingness to build a wall to protect American interests.

Whether William Barber cares to admit it, the Bible does not command against a country acting to protect its assets. In fact, the book of Nehemiah starts with Nehemiah returning to Jerusalem to have its wall rebuilt. As this undertaking was going on, Judah’s enemies (Philistines, Samaritans, Arabs, and Ammonites) were doing everything that they could to obstruct it, and they were soundly condemned as a result. If William Barber is to maintain the premise that he understands the inner workings of Scripture, he should at least have an elementary understanding of it’s historical events.

Perhaps more relevant to what William Barber might be going for, becoming politically-involved endangers his church’s status as a tax-exempt 501C3 organization.

However, that’s not the main issue that I have with William Barber today. Towards the beginning of his piece, he brings up the matter of Trumps alleged affair with porn star Stormy Daniels as a means of segueing into his main point. The fact that the allegation is just that, an allegation, and not proven, is key here. William Barber speaks of this adulterous affair almost as though it were a proven fact, and not as a mere accusation with the potential of being baseless.

If William Barber understood the Bible and lived by it’s principles, he would not presume guilt against a person for adultery before the matter was determined by a judge in a court of law. Even judges have to carefully consider the information presented to them after both sides of a case have made their testimonies.

Related to this, the Bible teaches “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” This is the ninth commandment. What’s more, the Bible says, “You shall not spread a false report.” (Exodus 23:1)

How does one know whether a testimony or report is true? Obviously, a person cannot make such a determination unless they were an eyewitness, victim, or perpetrator of a crime or carefully considered the evidence including confidential information that is usually only available to select individuals involved with a proceeding. Obviously, this means that ordinary members of the population who are only exposed to either allegations or arrest information from mainstream media sources do not have sufficient information to determine guilt.

This is the level of scrutiny with which the movement that cultivates political advantage through false accusation falls apart, as does the #MeToo movement that is used to snipe the careers of celebrities so the accusers can bask in the short-lived glow of cheap notoriety.

Believe it or not, wanting to protect America’s national interests (whether or not the means to do so are misguided) does not make a person racist. Disagreeing with you on some matter that you’re politically involved in (which may affect your 501C3 tax-exempt status) does not make a person a nazi, racist, sexist, or a whatever-a-phobe. People are getting better at seeing past the cynical misrepresentations that are a favored tactic of the Social Justice movement, which is one of the many reasons why people are getting sick of it.

I’m getting sick of defending Donald Trump, and I wasn’t really a big fan of the guy to begin with. But I know pretty well that the tactics that are used against him can just as well be used against any member of the population, which is why I feel a pretty strong urge to stand up and point out what I see that’s wrong. Personally, I’d rather be using this blog to talk about Pokemon.

If William Barber knew the Bible anywhere close to as well as he lets on, he’d know that defamation is a sin, and the Bible is particularly strong in its condemnation of it. I wonder whether he’s even aware that “Devil” is not a name, but a title, and it means “slanderer” or “accuser”. The enemy of mankind is known for his main trait. We have to be careful about whose work we are doing!

From a more worldly standpoint, William Barber should be more careful about how he expresses his viewpoints, as his careless accusations have the potential to be viewed as blasphemous libel, which is a form of defamation. Because William Barber is a public figure, it would be very easy for someone to sue him for damages in a court of law. And if someone has a case against him (such as Trump, for example), I say “go for it”. I’m really sick of seeing this kind of thing coming from mainstream media outlets.

EDIT (31 Jan 2018): Stormy Daniels herself has come forward and confessed in a letter that the affair never happened. Because the affair never happened, William Barber’s accusation came to a puttering stall.

What did we learn today?

TWAT News: CNN says cuckolding is great.

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cuckold-printThis image came up in a DuckDuckGo search for “cuckolding”. It’s insane.

If I told you that there was a mainstream media outlet that came out in support of cuckolding, there might be some of you left that would still be surprised. Once that short-lived initial shock wears off, no surprise would follow that the mainstream media outlet in question is CNN.

Here is a link to the article. On the unlikely chance that CNN realizes what a stupid idea the article was and takes it down, you might be able to find it with the Wayback Machine.

Because CNN has become a champion of cuckolding, they would of course attempt to redefine it in a positive light, while taking aim at the supposed oppressiveness of the institution of marriage. Being predominantly left-wing, it follows that CNN doesn’t have a clue how to have a successful marriage.

There’s more to cuckolding than it merely being an adulterous affair. Cuckolding involves knowing that one’s wife is sleeping with another man, but doing nothing to stop it. It’s an insult because it’s a sign that the man is weak-willed and unable to maintain his authority in his own house. If a man knows that some other man is doing his wife, the natural reaction is for him to close up all the distance between his boot and the man’s ass in as little time as possible.

Because CNN has no problem finding an expert in the art of cuckolding, it follows that these proponents of cuckoldry have brought one in for a few pointers on how to ease your spouse into it:

“I’ve seen men who try to trick their wives into cuckolding them, and this never, ever ends up well.” -David Ley

So, treating your spouse like they’re stupid is likely to upset them. No kidding. Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me that most men have fantasized about it, as though that somehow makes it a good idea to try.

Lehmiller surveyed thousands of Americans and found that 58% of men and about a third of women had fantasized about cuckolding. -The CNN article

Because we all know that presenting unrealistically high numbers is how you turn a sexual quirk into a human rights movement. Whether it was intentional that someone’s wife is likely to read the article and come to the conclusion that her husband has a 58% chance of being a pervert, it’s hard to tell. Considering that leftists have become determined to ruin marriage at every turn, I have my suspicions.

Marriages are for people who win at life. Consider all the hurdles that a person has to overcome to come to the point that they marry another human being.

First, a person has to be able to overcome an education system that is run by passive-aggressive state employees who hate their jobs and couldn’t care less what becomes of you. The objective is to come away with some pretty good grades.

Next, a person must continue their education by pursuing a skilled trade. This involves more effort than the previous diploma-mill that merely processes a child until high school graduation, because now the person has to learn skills that are actually useful.

After that, that person has to use their skill to play a job market and attempt to get hired to a job that doesn’t pay total garbage. It helps if the skill from the previous step is one that employers have a use for. Auto mechanics are usually well-off. English majors, not so much.

Finally, that person will want to make enough money to afford a place to live, a car, plenty to eat, and have enough money left over to convince someone else that they can live comfortably with them. Afterwards, a person who previously massaged their own genitals can enjoy the luxury of having someone else do it for them.

After all that effort, you can be sure that if someone else moved in on a guy’s source of hard-earned fun, he’d go after that someone and ruin his day, and probably quite a few of his days afterwards.

Marriage is for winners, and cuckolding is for losers. Now we know which side of the matter CNN is on.

Google ex-prize: Google ditches moon trip contest without awarding prize

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shruggingWah wah~

Google has just announced an end to their “X Prize” contest which would have awarded $20 million dollars to a team that could put a man on the moon. Earlier today, they stated that that they’re not awarding the prize.

Here is Google’s announcement as it appeared on Twitter:

google ex-prize

The reason, as given by Google, was that none of the five finalists could meet the March 31 deadline for a launch. Therefore, Google did not succeed in getting someone to the moon by dangling a heap of money as an enticement.

As anyone who has ever argued with their little brother can tell you, victory can still be claimed by changing the conditions of victory and then saying that you’ve met them.

sailor moon brother

In that light, here is what Google executives have to say on the matter:

“As a result of this competition, we have sparked the conversation and changed expectations with regard to who can land on the moon. Many now believe it’s no longer the sole purview of a few government agencies, but now may be achieved by small teams of entrepreneurs, engineers, and innovators from around the world,”
-Peter H. Diamondis and Marcus Shingle, Google executives (emphasis added)

That sounds great; you were able to challenge beliefs and expectations. But what about actually getting someone on the moon? Also, since when is the truth of any matter determined by mere belief? Why would it take a campaign involving tens of millions of dollars just to challenge the beliefs and expectations of an unspecified “many”?

Of course, we all know that the point of any corporate-sponsored contest isn’t to award a prize, but to win positive publicity for the corporation holding the event. In this case, Google’s Lunar X contest was a smashing success for Google because of all the positive publicity that they’ve gotten since the contest was announced in 2007. After all, the contest did succeed in giving Google a pro-science veneer which is all the rage with the science-chic millennials whose only real involvement with science is using consumer electronics.

Google could at the very least award the cash prize as a consolation to the team that came the closest to the goal. They may not have achieved the conditions of victory as stated in the rules of the contest, but considering how much time and expense the contestants put into it, it doesn’t seem wrong to at least award a consolation prize. I don’t know, but I suspect that the reason has something to do with the fact that such a choice might cost Google $20 million.

Now that Google’s contest has succeeded in netting them their pro-science publicity, they’ll probably go right back to censoring the internet and pushing their political agenda. By the way, Firefox is an awesome browser, and DuckDuckGo is an awesome search engine.

Maybe there’s more to solving problems than throwing a ton of money at them.

How I De-Googled My Online Activities

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anti-google-ads

Since it came to my attention that some of my posts were being omitted from Google search results, I decided that it was about time to remove Google’s influence from my computer and online activities.

Why would I do this? First, and most obviously, censorship is bad. Google is primarily a search engine, which makes them digital librarians. Because Google is omitting from search results pages that it deems problematic to the ideology of its staff, Google has become the book burners of the information age.

Second, I value my privacy. Google collects tons of information on its users. Google then uses this information for profit with targeted advertising. If you’re particularly stupid, you’ll see targeted advertising as another way to bridge the gap between yourself and products that you weren’t aware you would have wanted. Otherwise, you’ll see it as another technique for liberating your money from you.

While I’m aware that some of Google’s alternatives might have some similarity in business practice, Google is generally the worse option due to the nature of its agenda. Also, the fact that it’s actively censoring me makes the matter more personal.

Browser

First, if you’re still using Chrome as your browser, you should stop. There are numerous alternatives out there, and even Microsoft’s current default browser Edge isn’t so bad. After considering my options, I decided on Mozilla’s Firefox as my browser. There are lots of reasons to go with Firefox instead, but I found that I liked Firefox’s ability to store multiple themes, as opposed to Chrome, which makes you redownload old ones if you want to reuse them unless you use an extension. And even then, the extension wasn’t reliable.

The only real bother was making up a new list of favorites and bookmarks for my new browser. While there may have been an option to import them from Chrome, I decided to just start afresh, rather than eventually go to the trouble of deleting legacy bookmarks I don’t use anymore. It’s a new browser, and a new beginning.

When switching from Chrome, don’t forget to uninstall the Chrome browser so it won’t still be on your computer doing whatever it is that it does when you’re not using it. Paranoid? Maybe, but this is Google we’re talking about, here. And while you’re at it, remember to uninstall your other Google programs as well.

Search Engine

Second, you’re going to want to use a new search engine. Of the changes to make, this one was probably the easiest. Just remember to set whatever search engine you choose as the default on your new browser.

There are some pretty nice contenders for this category, notably Bing, which greets you with a pretty nice home screen which changes. But my choice was DuckDuckGo. DuckDuckGo is a well-developed search engine with the main selling points being that it doesn’t track you or store information about you. This already makes DuckDuckGo a winner, but it doesn’t censor search results like Google does. Big win.

One word of caution is that you should probably be a little careful about how you use DuckDuckGo. If you turn Safe Search off, it’s very easy to find Rule 34 in the image search. You’d see the internet the way it used to be. You might find that awesome, depending on who you are. But it might be a good idea to mind the Safe Search setting, depending on where you are and at what time.

EDIT (15 Nov 2020): DuckDuckGo has lost its integrity. Finding a different search engine is advised.

Email

This is easily the hardest part of the de-Google process, because we tend to like having one email address for everything. After doing some research, I’ve determined that most mail clients are satisfactory, but I decided to go with Yahoo. As old as it is, Yahoo is still a decent email client.

I’ve been thinking of changing my email client for a while now, but I found the prospect of going to different sites and changing the email address in my profiles daunting. However, the main thing that prodded me on is that my ex-girlfriend decided to try to get revenge on me by using my old email address to sign me up for numerous online services so my inbox would be flooded with spam emails. I’m sure that what she’s doing is illegal, but I blame myself for not doing my due diligence in making sure that the women I’m interested in are not psychotic.

As it turns out, switching to a new email client isn’t that bad. It helps to make up a list of those you want to have your new email address, and notify them of the change. It’s also a good idea to update your resume and your online job search profiles. In case you miss someone, it’s not a bad idea to check your old inbox from time to time. In fact, it’s not a bad idea to go through the first few pages of your old inbox, making note of those you still want to receive email from.

Cloud Storage

I’ve never used cloud storage because I’m not an idiot. If you store your files externally, they can be accessed externally. Storing them using the internet doesn’t make them secure.

Suppose you took a picture of your genitals to copy into your sketchbook (because that’s more fun to draw than a bowl of fruit). If you then send the same picture to the cloud, you’re sending it through the internet, and having it stored where you have no idea how many times it’s copied or viewed by someone else.

If you’re running low on storage space, buy a bigger hard drive. Or an external hard drive. Or a thumb drive. All these choices are smarter than sending your files to the cloud.

Google already makes it it’s business to collect as much information about people as they can. Why trust them with your files?

What about YouTube?

YouTube is owned by Google, so one might think that an effective boycott of Google would include avoiding YouTube. However, Google is having a difficult time running YouTube due to the sheer number of users that use AdBlock. What’s more, Google’s attempts to pander to advertisers have upset YouTube content creators, so YouTube has had to walk on eggshells to keep the platform viable.

Therefore, I’m not really concerned with Google’s presence in YouTube, as the platform has proven to be a liability for Google to run. You’re more likely to spite Google by using YouTube. Besides, the YouTube alternatives that I’ve seen are varying degrees of suck.

That’s how I’ve been doing in de-Googling my computer and online activities. I suggest that you give it a try, too. Send Google a message letting them know that if they’re going to censor the people, then the people are going to hit them where it counts: right in the pocketbook.

An image to describe 2017

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Last couple years, I made images to describe those two years. Nothing special, just something hastily thrown together with image editing software.

No one has objected yet, but even if they did, I’d probably have done it again, anyway. In light of that, here’s one that I think describes this year pretty well:

2017

Let’s hear it for the new guys.

Hey SJWs, you are not the Resistance.

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poe dameron not in the mood.jpg
Poe Dameron is not in the mood.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi is hitting theaters shortly, and I plan on going to see it sometime after the rush dies down. When I do, I intend to enjoy it for what it is: an enjoyable and novel escape to a fantasy universe with characters I remember and some new ones. I’m not the only one. Millions of Star Wars enthusiasts are ready for the latest installment in this long-running saga.

However, not everyone is willing to let us enjoy it. Some are determined to ruin The Last Jedi for us by making it about their sordid political agenda. While the rest of us go to bed at night, they are scheming around the clock to do things such as regulate shower heads, take away the incandescent light bulb, and, of course, screw up our favorite movies for the rest of us by making it about their SJW fantasies.

I’ve said before how silly it is to attempt to write one’s own political agenda into some form of entertainment that really has nothing to do with it. However, today I’m going to turn their own approach against them to show just how easy it is to cast something into a work that really wasn’t intended.

As we all are likely aware at this point, SJWs like to imagine themselves as the Rebellion from the original Star Wars trilogy, or more recently, the Resistance from the newer movies. I can understand the appeal of making one’s self out to be part of a motley group of freedom fighters that speak truth to power. The problem is, the SJWs are not it.

For one thing, SJWs like to compare the newest villain, Supreme Leader Snoke, to President Trump. The reasoning is that Trump is rich, the leader of a nation, and ugly (not really), traits that make him comparable to Snoke.

snoke.png
Snoke: Star Wars for “public figure you don’t like”.

There are several problems with this, most notably of which is the fact that Trump wasn’t even president when Snoke was conceived as a character. Obama was. And Hillary Clinton was considered the favorite to win the Democratic nomination, a move everyone saw coming years in advance, well before the DNC conspired to screw Bernie Sanders out of it.

Also, Trump is pretty far from the ugliest politically-involved millionaire that I can think of. That distinction would easily go to George Soros.

george soros

Furthermore, there’s the very reason Snoke became so unbelievably wealthy: casinos. You know, that thing that the political right usually opposes because they are pro-values, while the left is gung-ho about it because it’s a source of money?

If there’s any group from Star Wars that the Social Justice movement and leftism in its current state can be compared to, that would be the Separatists from the prequel trilogy.

For one thing, there was the fact that the galaxy was relatively peaceful until they started stirring things up. Similarly, race tensions in America were actually very low until the SJWs came along insisting that systems of oppression persist (with arguments good enough to convince them, if not the rest of us).

The reason why the galaxy came into a state of unrest was because a political figure worked behind the scenes to play both sides so he could use the resultant unrest to further increase his political power. Knowing this, consider the fact that Black Lives Matter began as a hashtag campaign, but as soon as it became an organized movement, George Soros funded it with millions of dollars, and it immediately became a terror organization.

If there’s a Star Wars enthusiast reading this, they should be able to tell me immediately what government that the Separatists sought to undermine. It’s the most oft-repeated title of the government that the good guys in Star Wars runs when they succeed in doing so: The Republic. To be more precise, it’s a Constitutional Representative Republic. Just as such a government does in real life, the Republic protects the rights of the galaxy’s inhabitants with rights enumerated in the constitution, while officials are elected to represent each inhabited world in the Senate, each planet maintains its individual identity, and is given significant authority to govern its own affairs.

If that sounds familiar, that’s because that’s precisely how America is governed, right down to the federal government’s relationship with the states, and the protected rights of its citizens. Like the Separatists, the SJWs are being used to destabilize the American political climate to bring the vision of the group behind the scenes into fruition, whether any individual foot soldier is aware of his role or not.

trigglypuffA foot soldier in the world’s saddest army.

Consider also how resourceful the separatist movement was. Even in difficult times, Count Dooku could count on the support of the Techno Union, bankers, and the Trade Federation. They actually had quite a lot behind them for support. In this world, the political left is so massively resourceful, that it makes the Separatist movement seem positively silly. Sure, it’s easy to buy the narrative that SJWs and similar leftists are just an unsophisticated group of resistance fighters, if you were to put aside their support from labor unions, academia, the entertainment industry, banking cartels, the tech industry, social media, the corporate mainstream information media, the IRS, and the military-industrial complex.

Considering the many similarities that current leftism and SJWs have with the Separatists from the prequel trilogy, I’m surprised that they’d turn to Star Wars of all places in an attempt to reach for protagonists that they can identify with. It’s almost as though they haven’t actually watched Star Wars at all, or were too dimwitted to learn the prequel trilogy’s obvious lessons. Though, to be fair, it was easy to sleep through much of Episode 2.

Speaking of lessons, I think that how the Separatist movement came to an end in Episode 3 should give the many SJWs, leftists, and those who carry water for them pause for thought. After the Separatists had served their purpose, Palpatine sent Darth Vader to “take care of them”. That is, by massacring them. Palpatine had obtained what he’d wanted; at that point, the separatists would only have been a liability to him.

Similarly, once left-wing overseers have already gotten what they wanted, what future exists for a bunch of firebrands that only created instability to get them where they are? The initial revolters rarely survive to see the end of the revolution. Those that do might not last much longer. Once it’s over, it will be time to clean up the rabble-rousers before they prove themselves willing to enact the same strategy against them that overthrew the previous government.

See problems with my comparison? That wouldn’t surprise me. This was really only an experiment to show just how easy it is for someone to see a person or people in a work, even if it weren’t meant to be the case. Having said that, the comparison between leftists and the Separatists is surprisingly strong. It’s a bit surprising that they themselves don’t seem to notice it or admit it’s there.

Anyhow, I’m going to try to find an opportunity to watch Star Wars: The Last Jedi in the next few days. And I’ll be rooting for the Resistance fighters as they attempt to keep the Republic alive. Of course.

Resistance_starbird
Ain’t nothin’ like the real thing, baby~.

EDIT (15 Dec 2017): Out of curiosity, I decided to search Google for this entry using its title and numerous variations thereof, but to no avail. This happened even after using the very name of this blog, Magnetricity, in the search terms. Still nothing, except a few of my other pages which were insanely popular anyway. Curious, considering that Google usually indexes content for search results the moment it’s posted.

So I tried popping the title of this entry in Bing. It was the very first result. Just like that.

I’ve long suspected that Google filters out content that it deems challenging to its political agenda, but this is the first evidence I’ve seen which was specifically against me. It’s almost as though there was something to my claim above about the tech industry and social media.

If you’re looking for yet another reason to switch from Google to Bing, there you go.

5 Kinds of Bumper Sticker that SUCK.

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Bumper stickers are something that I agree with people using because it allows us to determine who among us are so open with their naive ideologies that they’d plaster them on their cars, making it easier for the rest of us to know who the ideologues are, so we can avoid them. Or swerve at them.

Some of these bumper stickers are so verbose, that it would’ve been more effective for them to start a blog or something. At least then, we could just avoid them if we don’t care to hear their opinion. Thank you for reading this one, by the way.

These bumper stickers are trying so hard to outdo each other, that they’re just begging for someone to make fun of them. And today, I’m stepping forward and doing just that. Here is a list of stupid bumper stickers that we see everywhere, and me telling you what you already think of them.

1. Naive Political Ideologies

there's a car somewhere under all thatThere’s a car somewhere under all that.

If a political ideology can be summarized in an easy-to-read bumper sticker, odds are that it’s not sufficient to operate an organized society. The makers of political bumper stickers are aware of this, which is why they usually stick with catchy slogans that serve to make the rest of us wish the election cycle was over.

If you spend time on the road, you’re bound to run into a decal that calls the president an idiot, whoever it may be this time. If someone became president, they managed to figure a few things out. The same can’t be said for people who drive ugly cars and demand free handouts for doing nothing.

2. Family Decals

family_sticker_glass

We usually see these ones on SUVs, and they show a father, a mother, a number of children, and sometimes pets. These decals tell potential stalkers whether they’re a military dad, which is usually away from home. The reason why “Dear John” letters happen is because military men that are away from home to serve their country have their wives and girlfriends taken from them by some doucheweasels that are doing no such thing. But, if she’d go along with them, she’s probably not worth having as a spouse, anyway.

What’s more, they tell pedophiles the general age of their children, and in some cases, even their names. This sentence serves no purpose than to give you more time to contemplate the full depths of that kind of stupidity. Contrary to the statistical data available, clinical pedophilia is not rare, and you have to worry about child molesters every time you take trips to Walmart. Not only that, they let them know that their scrawny, wimpy little dogs would be powerless to stop a home invasion.

Great work.

3. Honor Student at Vapid High

aiming high, are we

If you were to somehow connect turbines to the eyes that roll because of these bumper stickers, the energy generated by them could power Miami. Unless a child is going to college for a STEM major, they only became an honor student by regurgitating whatever information that their teacher told them, or happily going along with their political ideology, or keeping them entertained if they happen to be a pedophile (see point above regarding the same). In any case, the odds of a child becoming an honor student by thinking for themselves is pretty slim.

These children are their teacher’s darlings because they’re succeeding in convincing them of whatever point they’re trying to convince them of. This is not at all hard to do because children are highly impressionable, and it’s easy to convince them of anything. If parents didn’t teach their kids any better, there’s no telling what inane things they’d go around parroting.

By way of example, not long ago, my little brother happened upon the questionable section of the school library. You know what section I mean; it’s the one about aliens, the occult, and various truther garbage. Before long, he was checking out books about Russian ESP experiments and the like. Because, you know, the Russians had plenty of time to devote to weird conspiracy theory stuff, and not more important things like how to rig elections or how to avoid economic collapse in a classless society.

A short while after checking out these books, there were times when I’d try talking clearly to him, and he’d suddenly start staring directly at me with wide eyes and an intense look on his face, as though he possessed any capacity for telepathy, and that he wasn’t a sucker for believing he could do such a thing. If you’re wondering how he’s doing today, he still believes he’s smarter than grown-ups that have been around twice as long as he has, even though he spent half his time alive soiling himself. And probably still does.

So yeah, case in point, it’s not hard to get children to believe just about anything. In fact, if your child is on the honor roll and likes things such as YouTube poop and Spongebob Squarepants, you should be at least a little suspicious.

4. Pets That Are Smarter Than Honor Students

Beagle_dog_honor_bumper_sticker

I actually did go to college for a STEM major, and made the honor roll in spite of the fact that I took the hardest classes that the college had to offer (it’s easier to get a high GPA if you take the easy classes). If your dog can program and perform integral calculus, we can talk.

5. Coexist Virtue Signals

41D+brXGQqL

People may have problems with turn signals, but they’re too eager to plaster their cars with virtue signals. When someone plasters Coexist bumper stickers on their car, they’re advertising that they’re aware that there are problems in the world, but instead of making any choice that could make the world any better, they’ll instead sticker their cars with vacuous platitudes that change nobody’s mind.

For the most part, all those different ideologies do coexist today, but it’s a brief hiccup in human history. Of course, there’s that the ideology that represents the “C” wants to bring the world under its control, so it’s appropriate that it’s poised to consume all the rest, Pacman style. Also, the “o” is overtly hostile towards all the rest, everyone makes up stupid conspiracy theories about the “x”, and the “t” once attempted to wipe out the true Church to replace it with Romanized and Hellenized pagan mysticism. But aside from that and so many more problems, “Coexist”, right?

I’m a religious minority, so consider what it means when I say that these naive bumper stickers don’t accomplish a thing outside of the appliers bloated ego. It’s an attempt at making people more aware, I get it. Awareness campaigns are worthless because being aware of a problem doesn’t do anything to solve it. The most that anyone who promotes them hopes for is that someone else solves the problem for them. Therefore, when someone engages in an awareness campaign, they’re telling you that they’re already doing all that they intend to do about a problem that they’re aware of.

Coexist bumper stickers aren’t doing anything to prevent a car-bombing, help a Sabbath-keeper find a job, or make the world any more peaceful. What they do is provide income to people that sell these bumper stickers. Just useless.

I just took a few antacids. That’s enough for now.

The right way to play Pokemon Platinum

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1002px-Platinum_EN_boxart

Note: this post contains humor. If you don’t have a sense of humor (due to some unfortunate accident or whatever), you’d be happier reading something else. But if you do take this advice seriously and play through Pokemon in this manner, let me know with a comment below.

With the release of Pokemon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon, the real fans are disappointed because we wanted to see a Sinnoh remake instead of a remake of a game that’s hardly a year old. However, there’s already a Sinnoh remake that we can play on 3DS, and that game is called Pokemon Platinum.

You might have heard that there’s no wrong way to play a Pokemon game. This is a vacuous platitude that’s enjoyed by those who are satisfied with mediocrity. Every game has an objective, and that objective is to win. Winning is what this guide is about.

Another thing you might have seen around the intertubes would be guides on how to make the best teams for Pokemon games. Most of these guides are flawed because they suggest making full teams of six pokemon that are viable for battles. The problem with teams like this is that they tend to flounder in the late-game, when the levels of opponents are really high, but the team is under-leveled because the experience yield doesn’t spread as well among a larger team.

A better approach would be to focus on a battling core of two to four pokemon, with the rest of your team being open for utility pokemon and HM users. This way, you’ll have some higher-level pokemon that are better suited to take on late-game challenges while keeping grinding to a minimum. This is great, because in Sinnoh games, there’s often a need for late-game grinding.

The first major choice you’ll make in this game is to play as the girl, so when the prompt comes up to do so, you select this character:

Platinum_Dawn

Then you name her Dawn. Everyone likes Dawn, and this game lets you play as her.

Next, you get to name your rival. The character limit is too short for Flapjack, so we’ll just go with Barry, because that’s what they call him in the show.

barry v flapjack

Your next significant choice is to choose Piplup as your starter.

250px-393Piplup

I know that most guides will give you plentiful technical reasons why Chimchar is the better choice. But Piplup is the better choice because it’s much cuter, and GameFreak finally made a penguin pokemon that isn’t total garbage. When it evolves all the way to Empoleon, it gains a secondary Steel typing, which gives it plenty of useful resistances, and it can be taught Surf, which could potentially free up room in your party that would otherwise be taken up by an HM slave. Also, Dawn chose Piplup as her starter, so there’s that.

Next, you’re going to want to catch a Starly.

250px-396Starly

Starly is great on so many levels. For one thing, it and its evolved forms learn Defog and Fly, which takes care of those HM moves. Not only that, its final form Staraptor has excellent speed and attack stats, and uses them well with moves like Aerial Ace and Close Combat. Because it gains the Intimidate ability later on, it can lower the Attack stat of your opponents just by being sent into battle. This is one of the few early-game bird pokemon that remains good throughout the game.

bidoof_by_final_boss_emiko-dabpearSource

You’re also going to want to catch a Bidoof. Bidoof isn’t in this team for battling, it’s there for HMs. Bidoof can learn the Cut and Rock Smash HM. Its evolved form can additionally be taught Surf, Strength, Waterfall, and Rock Climb, so it can grant you some serious mobility. You’ll even be able to find Bibarel before you’ll need those moves, so there’s no need to level up your Bidoof. The only real catch is that it can only know four of those moves at a time, but you can have both in your team.

I know what some of you might be thinking: this team is too weak to electric moves. That’s why Gible was chosen to round out this team.

250px-443Gible

Gible doesn’t take long to evolve to Gabite, and late in the game, it becomes a superstrong Garchomp. What to do in the meantime? Teach it Earthquake, which is available in the very same cave you catch Gible in. You’ll have a seriously strong Ground type that also happens to be a Dragon. Why wouldn’t you? Also, it’s a land shark that can fly. Pokemon doesn’t mess around.

I know that some of you might be squeamish about going that far in the game with such a weakness to Electric moves, but it’s really not a big deal. Pachirisu could present a challenge, but it doesn’t learn an offensive Electric move until level 13, and you don’t encounter one that strong until Eterna Forest. Some trainers use Electric types on Route 206, but you’ll find the cave with Gible in it on the same route.

Note: Gible can only be found by using the cave’s hidden entrance, not the obvious one. The hidden entrance is under the bike path, not to the side of it.

And that’s pretty much your team. What, that’s not much? Of course not. This team works so well, that one or two slots don’t need to be used. You’re bucking the materialistic zeitgeist by playing like a Spartan! You won’t need as many pokeballs, because you’ll have just a few pokemon that can do the job. You won’t need as many healing items because you’ll have just a few higher-level pokemon that are better at taking attacks and dishing them out.

Some players either turn up their nose when it comes to legendaries, or prefer to put off catching them until it’s easier to soft-reset for an ideal nature. If you’re not one of these guys, then there are two pokemon that stand out as being excellent choices:

  • Giratina – Has excellent typing and defensive stats, and can be taught a variety of offensive moves. You have to encounter this guy as part of the story, but if you KO it, you can get another chance after becoming champion, so don’t feel like you have to catch this guy right away.
  • Azelf – Its typing isn’t that great, but it’s Speed and Special Attack stats are very high. Think “glass cannon”.

The question might come up: What do I do about such-and-such-opponent? Wouldn’t they be kind of challenging with this team setup? A valid question. The surest way to overcome any in-game opponent is with a tried and true strategy that I like to call, “assail with overwhelming force”. By maintaining a massive statistical advantage over your opponent, you increase your chance of victory.

If at any point you come across an opponent that’s too strong for you, here is what you do:

  1. Go into some grass or into a cave
  2. Walk around until a wild pokemon shows up
  3. KO that wild pokemon to collect EXP
  4. Repeat the process until your pokemon gains a level

Each time you do this, you increase your statistical advantage, making your pokemon much better at “assail with overwhelming force”.

Then keep going until you’re crowned the champion, and you’ll have beaten this game about friendship by demolishing everything in sight.

Hey look, Cards Against Humanity is being edgy again.

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screen-shot-2014-12-15-at-4-13-26-pmI did not edit this.

Cards Against Humanity is doing yet another publicity stunt, this one called “Cards Against Humanity Saves America”.

Considering the misanthropic bent of everything that Cards Against Humanity does, questioning the sincerity of what they’re doing is natural. But as far as the “what” goes, what they’re doing is attempting to raise enough money to buy some land along the US-Mexico border to try to stop Trump from building a wall along it, as though that will do anything to slow down someone that can just take it back through eminent domain.

The entire point is that they want you to buy their cards. There are several problems with that, such as that those cards are positioned near the Pokemon cards at Target, and that’s a game that just about anybody would much rather play. Pokemon brings home Raichu, so that already seems like a much better deal.

SM4_EN_31No contest.

Cards Against Humanity is pretty self-satirizing, so one only needs to allow them to speak for themselves. There’s a few Q-and-As from their page I’d like to zero in on:

WHAT ARE YOU SAVING AMERICA FROM?
Injustice, lies, racism, the whole enchilada.

Oh yeah, because when taking up a left-wing pet cause, racism immediately becomes the target, because it’s the only way to set the bar lower. You’re racist just for asking that question, Nazi. In fact, everybody is racist, even if they don’t know it.

Okay, I’m going for it:

RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST
RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST RACIST

RAY-SYST!!!1

There. Now that the word has been worn into the ground, can we try articulating our objections instead of calling everyone Hitler?

No? Oh well. I admit that my expectations weren’t particularly high.

YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T GOING TO DO ONE OF THESE COMPLICATED HOLIDAY PROMOTIONS AGAIN.
We’re liars, just like the president.

Check out how edgy Cards Against Humanity is being, they’re dissing the president. It’s not like the routine was old back when it was directed against Obama, right? Or Bush. Or Clinton. Or Bush’s daddy. Or just about every president ever. Get a new routine.

Trump is one of the most overt presidents in recent times. Lying is among the least of anyone’s concerns about him.

I DON’T LIKE THAT YOU’RE GETTING POLITICAL. WHY DON’T YOU JUST STICK TO CARD GAMES?
Why don’t you stick to seeing how many Hot Wheels cars you can fit up your

This is the one that’s supposed to make you ask what their problem is. But that’s hard to do when you know that the cranky millennial shtick is what they’re going for.

It’s established: they can use the mean words.

I’D LIKE TO CANCEL MY ORDER.
We’d like to cancel the 2016 election, but neither of us is going to get what we want.
It took some decent foresight to put this in the FAQ. Think that picture above was a joke? This is the company that literally sent tens of thousands of customers turds in the mail.
Look, I do see this for what it is: a publicity stunt. It’s how Cards Against Humanity is promoting their game. As a publicity stunt, it’s pretty well conceived, and it appears to be having its desired effect. However, there are going to be some people out there that won’t be able to see through the obvious ruse, and will happily contribute thinking that CAH has a legitimate interest in standing up for this left-wing pet cause. In those cases, it was only a matter of time before they’d blow all their money on something stupid like emoji pillows. It just so happens that CAH were the ones to tap into their wallets, this time.

Facebook wants your nudes

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peter-griffin-family-guy

Facebook has taken an interest in combating revenge porn, so they’re testing a new system that’s being developed to deal with it.

If you don’t know what revenge porn is, then you, like myself, don’t use Facebook much, if at all. Revenge porn is sharing nude photos of someone to get back at them, usually an ex that just broke up. As far as crimes go, it’s pretty stupid and short-sighted. After all, the list of suspects is usually pretty short. I can just imagine what the investigators would say:

Investigator #1:
The only person that had access to these images other than the client would be her boyfriend, who just broke up with her, and her chat logs show a conversation with him in which she shared the nudes. We’ve established a means and a motive. Any thoughts?
Investigator #2:
Give us time. We’re still examining the evidence.

How does Facebook intend to combat revenge porn? By implementing a system that recognizes hash values and blocks any that are duplicates of those already in the system. How do you get it to work? By submitting nudes of yourself before anyone else gets a chance.

What can possibly go wrong?

For one thing, that a small portion of Facebook’s staff will get to see the submission. Facebook guarantees us that this team would only see the images briefly before deleting them, and this involves taking their word for it that some of them won’t go maverick and decide to keep a few of their favorites for themselves.

So, how about it? Would you trust Facebook’s carefully-selected team of left-wing low-T beta males to take just a brief gander at your vertical smile or yogurt cannon?

The next and far more obvious problem is that this system is going to be hacked. It’s begging for it. The NSA may already have access to your nudes, but they’re government workers, and government workers get paid well whether they make something functional or not. Hackers on 4chan will happily hack into anything that anyone dares them to, whether anyone pays them for it or not, for no other reason than because they can, or because they think it’s funny. While decent paychecks are a motivator to get into your stuff, that pales in comparison to weaponized autism. Facebook’s system is going to be hacked, and it doesn’t help them that they have the equivalent of a huge neon sign advertising an enormous stash of nudie pics.

The next problem is that Facebook’s proposed hash recognition system will be far too easy to get around. Image boards such as 4chan already use a similar system to ensure that duplicate images aren’t posted, which goes a long way in ensuring that the O RLY owl doesn’t wind up in every single thread. But the owl still comes up, because altering an image’s hash value is simple: Just open the image in Paint, then change one pixel in a spot where it won’t likely be noticed. Done. Facebook’s nudie patrol will know what your breasts look like, and you’ll have done nothing to stop anybody by sharing them.

What’s more, it’s been suggested that this system be used to combat child porn. Give that a moment to sink in. Facebook is a private company, so wouldn’t they get in trouble for possessing the stuff, especially after asking for it? And what of the people that submit it to the system? If they’re the first people to submit an image, wouldn’t the implication be that they produced it?

I feel bad for Facebook’s nudie patrol. People have already gone after airport security over scanners, and they’ve been accused of being in it to see naked people, including children. Now Facebook’s nudie patrol is going to have to put up with it, too. The cherry on top is that most people don’t look like they’d be very appealing while naked. Not only will the nudie patrol be made out to be pariahs by the press and have a hard time discussing their jobs to future interviewers, they’ll be scarred by countless images from fat people and women who don’t shave down there. Yuck. Looking at naked people all day would not be a dream job.

Anyhow, I expect this system to roll out shortly in spite of what can go wrong, as well as the predictable sensationalist news stories from a corporate information media that mostly pitches to morons. Then, further down the road, there’d be the hilarious stories about the system getting hacked.