You might want to disable your gag reflex for this one. This involves Buzzfeed. It also involves MTV. And MTV wants to impose their sad ideas of what it means to be a guy on the rest of us.

MTV (more specifically, MTV2) has posted “14 Rules Of (sic) Guy Code That Can Never Be Broken“. That MTV, property of global mass-media corporation Viacom, believes that they are in a position to tell the rest of us how to conduct ourselves as men is, in itself, interesting. But it gets even funnier when you get into the actual content of the article.

Let’s get started.

1. GREET APPROPRIATELY
I. No hug comes without a bro handshake first.
II. No hug comes without a pat on the back after.

The bro hug is the culturally-relevant male greeting of the current half-decade, much in the same way as the fist-bump was in the previous half-decade. And like the fist-bump, the bro hug is mere years from being cycled out, only to occasionally be brought up again by your awkward friends who are a tad behind on things.

Considering the temporary nature of these fad greetings, it’s interesting that MTV is ascribing to it the importance of a rule to never be broken. One might even get the idea that they don’t honestly think that their list will even be relevant in five years, and considers it of no more value than its ability to market a vapid television program.

III. No high fives are given to overeager bros.

Shown in the article is an animated picture of a man attempting to high five a couple people who don’t even notice him. Some rules are self-enforcing.

2. CHOOSE THE RIGHT URINAL
I. No urinal encroachment.

While there is little dispute over this rule, if any, MTV can be criticized for playing it safe for including a nearly universally-known rule. There’s very little point in bringing it up unless there are some specifics to get into, such as whether to take the urinal that is two urinals down from an occupied one, or whether to take the furthest.

II. No short urinals, unless you’re a child or a man-child.

Very short-sighted, MTV. It’s obvious that they’re not thinking to accommodate those who, by reason of substantial length, would require a lower urinal. I’m disappointed, MTV.

III. No loud dick shaking.

I wasn’t aware that this is a serious issue, but apparently, in Viacom’s offices, it is.

3. DON’T LET YOUR GIRL RUN YOUR LIFE
I. No dance classes.

If I suspect that my girlfriend wanted to control my life, The first signs I’d look for would be the ones that are likely to come up sooner. Such as telling me how to put my socks and neckties away. Once it gets to the point of dance classes, the problem is already pretty far advanced.

At this point, I suspect that the author is intentionally setting the bar low, and in so doing, inadvertently revealing something about himself.

II. No reading the same book together as a couples bonding activity.

Wrong. I can think of some books that can be read by couples. Such as the Bible. Also, The Alphabet of Manliness by Maddox.

III. No sharing her clothes even if they’re “unisex” and you like the “silky feel.”

Are you kidding? Is this really such a universal problem that it has to be included in a list of pointers on how to be a guy? It’s as though the author is seriously ignorant or thinks very little of his audience. Did it occur to him that a guy who would wear women’s clothes wouldn’t care about a guy image? Because it’s quite obvious that that wouldn’t be what he’d be going for.

4. DON’T LET YOUR FRIEND’S GIRL RUN YOUR LIFE

You know what? There are people out there that probably actually could use this list. If there is someone out there that has so little confidence that they’re being whipped by a woman that isn’t even putting out for them, they really could benefit from a list that sets the bar so low. Baby steps.

I suspect that the author of this list is projecting, by the way.

I. No dating your friend’s girl before, during, or after their relationship.

If someone else’s girlfriend is running their life, she is very likely the one that started it. What she hopes to gain from playing her game, I don’t know.

II. No telling your friend’s girl about your friend’s other girl.

Why would anyone do this? It’s obvious that he already made his choice, and should be ready for the consequences when the two inevitably find out about each other.

III. No asking your friend’s girl if she has any “biddies” to set you up with.

There are a lot of reasons why I don’t suspect that most people would actually do this, and they generally have to do with the fact that I think more highly of people than MTV does. But then again, MTV is aiming for a particular audience here.

5. PRANK RESPECTFULLY
I. No broken bones.
II. No hijacking their phones.
III. No resulting loans.

Why not level up and not prank? Most pranks involve acts that are illegal.

6. MANAGE YOUR PORN
I. No using your roommate’s laptop.

In general, it’s not a very good idea to use anyone else’s laptop for most purposes, considering that you don’t know what they’ve been doing with it. Not that I don’t let other people use mine, on the principle that it doesn’t hurt for a gun to have an additional set of prints.

II. No writing “reviews” on the message board.

The word “reviews” is in quotation marks, so I suspect it means pretending to be an art connoisseur. In some cases, this can be pretty funny.

III. No waiting up late for live shows to start.

Your mom wants you to get up early for school tomorrow.

7. EAT LIKE A MAN
I. No cutting your pizza with a fork and knife.

If someone cares whether you do this, they probably don’t make a very good friend. Seriously, who cares?

Also, on a related note, there are those who complain about Americans using chop sticks when eating oriental food, particularly Asian servers. We can make a deal: we can pretend to know how to eat with chopsticks, and in exchange, you can pretend that you’re serving real oriental food.

II. No thinking you’re cute if you get foam on your nose from a cappuccino.

It’s not about whether someone actually gets foam on their nose. No, the problem is whether someone thinks they’re cute for it. How is anyone supposed to enforce this? I have no idea, because I’ve never tried anyone for thought crimes.

III. No asking the waiter to cut your hamburger bun in half.

You don’t have to. Hamburger buns are served sliced in half. They pretty much have to be. Otherwise, it’s pretty hard to get the patty between both halves.

8. DRINK LIKE A MAN
I. No asking for a “brewski.”
II. No colored straws, mini umbrellas, or drinks named after movie characters.

It should be obvious at this point that this isn’t so much a list governing guy conduct as it is a list of a miserable person’s pet peeves.

III. No shouting “shots for everyone!” without buying shots for everyone.

Also, never throw your money on the table. People might think you have a lot of the stuff.

9. DON’T BE WEIRD AT THE GYM

So, someone who has never been to the gym is going to attempt to tell us how to behave at a gym? This is going to be a treat. Let’s see what important issues he’s going to touch upon.

I. No running with “toe shoes.”

II. No looking at your abs in the gym mirror.

Why would anyone want a visual indication of their progress in the very place that they work toward a goal?

III. No group stretching except for extremely tight circumstances.

If an activity makes the author feel uncomfortable, he doesn’t want you to do it, either.

10. BE A GOOD GROOMSMAN
I. No skipping out on the bachelor party because you have a work thing.

While skipping out on a close friend’s special occasion is usually not a good thing, what I find disturbing here is that the author refers to gainful employment as a “work thing”. Believe it or not, a person’s career is usually very important to them. It’s not just their source of income, it’s how they justify their existence among other people. When someone greets you, it’s not rare of them to ask what you do for a living, and assign you a value based on your answer. Men see other men based on what they do with their lives. Because of this, people usually make sacrifices to their hobbies to further their career. Even if it means playing video games for a few fewer hours a day.

II. No making a long speech about how lonely you are.

I suspect that the author identifies with the temptation to do so.

III. No catching the garter.

Understanding this peeve requires understanding the superstition that the man who catches the garter is the next man to marry. The joke is that marriage is avoided by men because if they’re not married, they can keep right on sleeping around. Being married doesn’t prevent a man from doing that. The fidelity is implied. But if a man doesn’t intend to be faithful to any woman, you probably shouldn’t trust him for advice on how to be a better man.

11. KNOW HOW TO TAKE ALL-BRO PICS

MTV wants every guy to be a photographer. Why? I don’t know. Look, some people are better than other people at certain things. It’s why the concept of “pros” exists. If there’s an expert photographer in the group, you have them take the picture, not just any guy in the group.

I. No demanding that everyone look serious and tough.

Why not? It might make a funny picture.

II. No touching if no one else is touching.

Again, if the author feels uncomfortable with something, he doesn’t want anyone else doing it.

III. No forgetting your beach shirt.

MTV wants you to include a Hawaiian shirt in your EDC.

12. REGULATE FLATULENCE

Now those left-wingers want to regulate farting. Them liberals and their regulation of everything is going too far!

I. No denying it.

Unless you didn’t actually do it, right? Fart transparency isn’t some huge issue that I’m aware of. So, who cares? Considering that it’s a natural process with very little if anything in terms of consequences, why should anyone care who does it?

II. No forcing it.

This proves it. MTV is made up of fart hippies who only want their farts to be all-natural. Next thing you know, they’ll be demanding organic farts and gluten free farts. And don’t get me started on vegetarian farts. Those are nasty.

III. No talking about it like it’s art.

For some people, farting is art. Skilled farters exist, just as we have skilled belchers.

13. NO DICK SELFIES
I. No dick selfies for your girlfriend.

The one who would primarily be interested? I thought this was a list for guys. Now you’re trying to tell our girlfriends what they should be interested in?

II. No dick selfies for yourself.

If a person takes a dick-pic for himself, his consent is implied. Just who is he going to upset?

III. No dick selfies for your political future.

As it turns out, MTV is not too left-wing for an Anthony Wiener joke. Though, to be fair, that’s one bandwagon that’s hard to stay off of. Think about the level of impairment it would take to mistake an MMS message for social media. What a world-class blunder.

14. MAINTAIN YOUR BROMANCE

I was a little concerned that someone who would write up a list telling us not to stretch with assistance would be too sexually insecure to give us a few pointers on bromance. Let’s see what wisdom he has to impart.

I. No driving separately to the game.

What game would this be? If this guy is going to give us pointers on how to fart, one would assume that he’d make more than an implication that every man is interested in sports, which isn’t really true, anyway.

II. No being too busy for Mario Kart.

Again, sometimes, people make sacrifices to their hobbies for their careers. A person’s career is important. After all, a person needs money to pay the bills, and to have hobbies like Mario Kart to begin with.

III. No reservations about personal space.

Unless you’re having your picture taken. Or stretching.

THE AFOREMENTIONED ARE OFFICIAL TERMS OF GUY CODE, TO BE UPHELD IN GUY COURT.

If you’ve never heard of Guy Court, it’s a program on MTV2. Viacom saw the potential for marketing through social media, and decided to throw a list on how to be a guy onto a social media outlet, even if it happened to be Buzzfeed, which is populated largely by teenagers who think that they have the world figured out. Even if they didn’t know how.

By the way, Guy Court was cancelled after only 12 episodes in less than 2 months. It seems people don’t want to take advice on how to be manly from MTV. Not that MTV’s audience would be ideal for marketing such a message.

All things considered, this list of guy code rules is pretty pathetic. How about it? Should I make a list of rules on how to be manly? Not that I’d expect everyone to follow it or even take it seriously, but I think I can write something up that would be far more entertaining than Viacom’s sad attempt to market their programming.