Why don’t we put pumpkin spice in everything?

I was at the grocery store the other day, and I saw that pumpkin spice was being put into so many things. I admit that I wasn’t very fond of pumpkin spice. But it is something that comes up during the harvest season in things like ice cream, coffee creamers, snack cakes, etc.

But then I had an idea: Why don’t we put pumpkin spice in everything?

Think about it. Don’t we have pumpkin spice Triscuits? If not, why don’t we? How hard can it be for food makers to sprinkle a little of that pumpkin spice that they clearly have way too much of into boxes of Triscuits so we can taste some of the pumpkin spice goodness in each bite of Triscuits?

In fact, why don’t we have pumpkin spice breakfast cereals? Like Cheerios. Is there already a pumpkin spice Cheerios? I didn’t look it up, so I don’t know. But it sounds like a great idea, so if they didn’t already do that to our Cheerios, why don’t they?


Okay, so I looked it up, and they actually did do a pumpkin spice Cheerios. Okay, but why stop there? Why not put it in every breakfast cereal? Like Cinnamon Toast Crunch? They can just take the cinnamon out and put pumpkin spice in there instead.

Or why not add it to other foods that are missing out on the whole pumpkin spice fad? Like Tabasco. Tabasco sauce is great, so why not mess with it? Notice how they are starting to put Sriracha into everything? And dried cranberries, for that matter. It’s almost as though there was an overproduction of dried cranberries, because now it’s hard to buy health food while avoiding dried cranberries. Well, why not make pumpkin spice Sriracha sauce, combining the two fads to become one big super fad food item. Think about how unstoppable that would be. And they can somehow work dried cranberries into it. That would be brutal.

And while we’re adding pumpkin spice to food, why don’t we genetically engineer all our foods so that they’d grow with pumpkin spice in them? We can make things like strawberries that grow with pumpkin spice already in them. And broccoli. And pears. Pumpkin spice everywhere!

Also, meat. We can breed some special cows that grow pre-seasoned with pumpkin spice. Then do that with the other livestock. Then dispose of all the other livestock that doesn’t have pumpkin spice in it. That way, all food would have pumpkin spice. Even steak. It would be impossible to avoid it. And if anyone would want to avoid it, they’d have to move to some island somewhere where they’d attempt to live pumpkin spice free lives. But rather than let them, we could fly jets over them and drop pumpkin spice bombs on them. BOOSH!!! Take that, you pumpkin spice haters. Then we’d have pumpkin spice everywhere.

Think about what that would be like. There’d be pumpkin spice in everything, and no one could avoid it. So, why don’t we put pumpkin spice in everything?

Because that’d be a stupid idea, that’s why.

NOTE: After typing this up, I looked it up, and it turns out that there really are pumpkin spice Triscuits.


The recipe on the box calls for (surprise) cranberries:


There probably actually is a pumpkin spice Tabasco sauce or Sriracha, but I’m afraid to look.

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