5 Kinds of Bumper Sticker that SUCK.

Bumper stickers are something that I agree with people using because it allows us to determine who among us are so open with their naive ideologies that they’d plaster them on their cars, making it easier for the rest of us to know who the ideologues are, so we can avoid them. Or swerve at them.

Some of these bumper stickers are so verbose, that it would’ve been more effective for them to start a blog or something. At least then, we could just avoid them if we don’t care to hear their opinion. Thank you for reading this one, by the way.

These bumper stickers are trying so hard to outdo each other, that they’re just begging for someone to make fun of them. And today, I’m stepping forward and doing just that. Here is a list of stupid bumper stickers that we see everywhere, and me telling you what you already think of them.

1. Naive Political Ideologies

there's a car somewhere under all thatThere’s a car somewhere under all that.

If a political ideology can be summarized in an easy-to-read bumper sticker, odds are that it’s not sufficient to operate an organized society. The makers of political bumper stickers are aware of this, which is why they usually stick with catchy slogans that serve to make the rest of us wish the election cycle was over.

If you spend time on the road, you’re bound to run into a decal that calls the president an idiot, whoever it may be this time. If someone became president, they managed to figure a few things out. The same can’t be said for people who drive ugly cars and demand free handouts for doing nothing.

2. Family Decals


We usually see these ones on SUVs, and they show a father, a mother, a number of children, and sometimes pets. These decals tell potential stalkers whether they’re a military dad, which is usually away from home. The reason why “Dear John” letters happen is because military men that are away from home to serve their country have their wives and girlfriends taken from them by some doucheweasels that are doing no such thing. But, if she’d go along with them, she’s probably not worth having as a spouse, anyway.

What’s more, they tell pedophiles the general age of their children, and in some cases, even their names. This sentence serves no purpose than to give you more time to contemplate the full depths of that kind of stupidity. Contrary to the statistical data available, clinical pedophilia is not rare, and you have to worry about child molesters every time you take trips to Walmart. Not only that, they let them know that their scrawny, wimpy little dogs would be powerless to stop a home invasion.

Great work.

3. Honor Student at Vapid High

aiming high, are we

If you were to somehow connect turbines to the eyes that roll because of these bumper stickers, the energy generated by them could power Miami. Unless a child is going to college for a STEM major, they only became an honor student by regurgitating whatever information that their teacher told them, or happily going along with their political ideology, or keeping them entertained if they happen to be a pedophile (see point above regarding the same). In any case, the odds of a child becoming an honor student by thinking for themselves is pretty slim.

These children are their teacher’s darlings because they’re succeeding in convincing them of whatever point they’re trying to convince them of. This is not at all hard to do because children are highly impressionable, and it’s easy to convince them of anything. If parents didn’t teach their kids any better, there’s no telling what inane things they’d go around parroting.

By way of example, not long ago, my little brother happened upon the questionable section of the school library. You know what section I mean; it’s the one about aliens, the occult, and various truther garbage. Before long, he was checking out books about Russian ESP experiments and the like. Because, you know, the Russians had plenty of time to devote to weird conspiracy theory stuff, and not more important things like how to rig elections or how to avoid economic collapse in a classless society.

A short while after checking out these books, there were times when I’d try talking clearly to him, and he’d suddenly start staring directly at me with wide eyes and an intense look on his face, as though he possessed any capacity for telepathy, and that he wasn’t a sucker for believing he could do such a thing. If you’re wondering how he’s doing today, he still believes he’s smarter than grown-ups that have been around twice as long as he has, even though he spent half his time alive soiling himself. And probably still does.

So yeah, case in point, it’s not hard to get children to believe just about anything. In fact, if your child is on the honor roll and likes things such as YouTube poop and Spongebob Squarepants, you should be at least a little suspicious.

4. Pets That Are Smarter Than Honor Students


I actually did go to college for a STEM major, and made the honor roll in spite of the fact that I took the hardest classes that the college had to offer (it’s easier to get a high GPA if you take the easy classes). If your dog can program and perform integral calculus, we can talk.

5. Coexist Virtue Signals


People may have problems with turn signals, but they’re too eager to plaster their cars with virtue signals. When someone plasters Coexist bumper stickers on their car, they’re advertising that they’re aware that there are problems in the world, but instead of making any choice that could make the world any better, they’ll instead sticker their cars with vacuous platitudes that change nobody’s mind.

For the most part, all those different ideologies do coexist today, but it’s a brief hiccup in human history. Of course, there’s that the ideology that represents the “C” wants to bring the world under its control, so it’s appropriate that it’s poised to consume all the rest, Pacman style. Also, the “o” is overtly hostile towards all the rest, everyone makes up stupid conspiracy theories about the “x”, and the “t” once attempted to wipe out the true Church to replace it with Romanized and Hellenized pagan mysticism. But aside from that and so many more problems, “Coexist”, right?

I’m a religious minority, so consider what it means when I say that these naive bumper stickers don’t accomplish a thing outside of the appliers bloated ego. It’s an attempt at making people more aware, I get it. Awareness campaigns are worthless because being aware of a problem doesn’t do anything to solve it. The most that anyone who promotes them hopes for is that someone else solves the problem for them. Therefore, when someone engages in an awareness campaign, they’re telling you that they’re already doing all that they intend to do about a problem that they’re aware of.

Coexist bumper stickers aren’t doing anything to prevent a car-bombing, help a Sabbath-keeper find a job, or make the world any more peaceful. What they do is provide income to people that sell these bumper stickers. Just useless.

I just took a few antacids. That’s enough for now.

1 thought on “5 Kinds of Bumper Sticker that SUCK.

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