Model With Unibrow Attempts to Redefine Beauty Standards

sophia hadjipanteli.pngSophia Hadjipanteli (edited for sanity)

A model is attempting to redefine beauty standards with a comically huge unibrow.

Because that sentence alone sets the stage for a long rant, I’ll just link to an article covering this story and accept that as the launchpad for the rant to follow, because it’s sufficient.

Believe it or not, beauty standards were not invented by Chick-fil-A and the patriarchy to try to be mean to women. Throughout the entirety of human history and the class Mammalia, beauty standards have been informed by biological viability. Putting bizarre trends aside, what has held up historically as being “beautiful” was considered a sign that a person was in sufficient health and capability to procreate. As far as this goes, biology and the continuity of humanity don’t really concern themselves with anyone’s objections, and all that usually happens when a person attempts to go against the flow in this regard is that a person makes it far less likely that they’ll be further contributing to humanity’s gene pool. I know that’s hard to ponder for those weaned on the notion of attraction to cartoon ponies, but a lot of things are.

When bringing up this topic, there’s usually someone who will bring up the myth that Renaissance artists depicted obesity as a reflection of cultural standards of beauty existing in their time. That’s not true. The reason why Renaissance artists painted fat women was because that was what many wealthy and affluent women looked like. Their physical condition was what one would expect when a person doesn’t have to work to get by, and has plenty to eat.

The fact is, Renaissance artists viewed lean women as having ideal beauty in the same way most people do today. When a person is attracted to something that is outside that norm, they are considered an outlier, and are usually viewed as a fetishist, like the people who are attracted to feet.

The fact is, the beauty standards that we have today and have had throughout human history exist for a reason, and it’s a very compelling reason. When a person attempts to eschew these standards, the expected outcome is akin to a boxer attempting to defeat the bodybuilding standards of his sport by allowing his muscles to atrophy; he may get some time in the Tumblr limelight, but we know that when he steps into the ring for a professional match, it’s light-out for him.

When a model intentionally takes on an unfavorable characteristic in an attempt to challenge beauty standards, they may get their praise from the usual blue checkmarks on Twitter, but we know that women all over the world are thinking, “Thank you for making yourself easier to compete against.”

Another irony that I want to point out is that the Glamour article dismisses as “trolls” those who criticized Sophia’s new look as ugly. When someone calls someone online a troll for saying something that they don’t like, they’re showing that they have no idea what trolling really is. Online trolling is really about influencing a person, usually to try to get them to do or say something that’s inadvisable. It can take on forms that are really quite subtle, and even someone who has been using social media for a long time might have a hard time recognizing trolling when it’s in front of them.

The irony is, the people encouraging Sophia to continue with the unibrow look are the real trolls, and they are laughing themselves silly at her ridiculous behavior, while those who call her new look ugly are expressing their sincerely-held opinions.

Putting aside the possibility that Sophia may be the victim of trolling, it’s very likely that she is pulling a publicity stunt. The idea would be to do something ridiculous in an effort to bring attention to herself. If that’s the case, then Sophia would actually be trolling people like me who blogged about her.

If that’s what Sophie was going for, then congrats, Sophie, you look ridiculous and got people to laugh at you because of it. But if Sophie really wanted to make a beauty statement, she could try something actually beneficial, like refusing to wear lipstick. Lipstick looks dreadful, and women everywhere would look much better for not wearing it. The reason why I doubt that models like Sophie would attempt to make such a statement is because doing so would mean fewer people buying lipstick, and a model’s job is to encourage more people to buy more things.

But for what it is on the surface, which is an attempt to redefine beauty standards, Sophia’s unibrow stunt pretty much accomplishes nothing.

If you really want to convince anyone that your potential is going to waste at your lousy job…

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I know what it’s like to have a horrible job that goes nowhere and feel like your potential is being squandered doing it. I know that I’m not the only one out there that had a job like that, and that there are many people out there that are in that kind of position now.

But here’s the thing: If you really want anyone to believe that your potential is going to waste at your lousy, dead-end job, you must do the job that you have now as though you have potential.

While I’ve been thinking about it for a while, I bring it up now because I’ve noticed an increase in the number of disinterested young people who obviously don’t want the jobs that they have, and many of them seem to have the idea that the way to get back at the society that did them wrong by “giving them that job” is to take it out on their customers by being passive-aggressive with them and intentionally performing poorly.

About that “giving them that job” quip: No, society didn’t conspire to decide that your job was the job that you had to have. You chose your job, and decided to apply for it and attend an interview for it. If “the government” or Google or whoever exercised some sort of mind control to get you to seek a job and then follow through with it by making you go to work day-to-day, society would have far worse problems than whether you’re brewing coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts.

You chose your job, and if you didn’t want it, maybe you shouldn’t have applied to it to begin with. If you no longer want it, find a different one, and let someone have your old job who wants it. Life is too short to spend most of your waking hours doing something you can’t stand.

Until you can find that job that you would prefer to do, the best way to convince anyone that your potential is going to waste is to demonstrate that potential by doing excellently at the job that you already have.

About a decade back, I had a job that I hated working, which was at a register in a supermarket. After a while, I got fed up with it, and decided that a better bet for a brighter future would be to get a college education. I did some research, and did some studying. But in the time until I was to start attending classes, I still had a job to do.

So I did a great job at it. The store displayed the stats for how fast cashiers were, and I was consistently on top. My prize for doing so well? Pretty much just to say I did. Not even a pat on the back.

I worked in nearly every other department in the store, and did a great job at those, too. There were days in which I was the only person working in two departments; everyone in the department had off on the same day, including the managers. I carried two departments by myself on the same day.

My way of demonstrating that my potential was going to waste at my terrible job was to get really good at it. I left no doubt that I could do better, and eventually I did.

Now, what is a person supposed to think when someone does a poor job and continually makes mistakes at an easy job where the stakes are low? When you clearly ask for dine-in at a fast food joint and are then handed your meal in a bag, one would get the idea that the cashier isn’t very dependable. When you ask for a hot coffee and get an iced coffee instead, you might feel inclined to think “there’s a D-student”.

Among the reasons why many jobs don’t pay well is because fewer people are counting on the staff, and the repercussions for a mistake are usually much lower. If you work at a fast-food joint and make mistakes with people’s orders, you might just be in the right place. You wouldn’t be convincing very many people that you’d make a great doctor.

People aren’t really perfect at their jobs, but they can at least try to do well at the ones that they have, even if they’d rather be doing something different. That way, when you finally start doing something you’d rather do, at least you’ll be convinced that it wasn’t a mistake that you got there. Doing a great job at stuff really pays out in the long run, but intentionally doing a terrible job just to spite your employer has obvious ways of backfiring very quickly.

If you’re smarter than your job, that’s great! But at least put some effort into proving it, you know?

Those fake gen 8 starters from a year ago were surprisingly accurate.

Over a year ago, a Facebook user by the name of 50 Shades of Heliolisk got Pokemon communities talking by unleashing concept art for the starters of the generation 8 games. His art, done with the help of a friend that knew Japanese, was really convincing, and he did come forward and admit that he made them, and they were fakes.

But just how much did he really know? How accurate that his fakes turned out to be really gets one thinking.

Let’s look at them, one at a time:

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One of the fake starters that was revealed was a Grass-type monkey that stores berries on the tip of its tail. What GameFreak themselves did was also a Grass-type monkey, this one storing a twig as part of its hairpiece:

grookey

Next, we see that one of the fakemon was a Fire-type rabbit:

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And I was so disappointed a year back to discover that it wasn’t real, not knowing that a year later, GameFreak themselves would do a Fire-type starter rabbit:

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I could gush over how much I like it, but let’s stay on topic and move on.

The fakes also included a Water-type platypus:

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We got a water lizard instead.

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Hold on, is Sobble doing a crotch chop? That’s a straight up dis! This little guy has some nerve.

So, the fakes got two out of three right, and two out of three ain’t bad. One can wonder whether 50 Shades of Heliolisk actually had some inside information all along. While we’re talking speculation, there’s an idea going around that “fake leaks” we’ve been seeing are attempts on the part of media companies to gauge public reaction. Or maybe GameFreak themselves saw the fakes, liked them, and decided to implement the ones they liked.

Hanlon’s Razor goes that the correct explanation tends to be the one that makes the fewest assumptions, and it would seem like that would be that it was just a coincidence. Coincidences do happen, and with surprising frequency.

But, in this case, it was a cool coincidence.

Pokemon Sword and Shield first impressions

pokemon sword and shield.pngOne magnum opus, to go. Hold on… Make that two.

We got a first look at the new generation of Pokemon games in a trailer that was released today:

Here are my first impressions of the starters that have been revealed.

First up is the Grass-type, Grookey:

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I still don’t know what this guy is supposed to be. At first, he seemed to be some kind of bug, but right now, he’s looking more like a monkey. He’s kinda growing on me, but I’d probably like him more if he evolves into something cool.

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This guy is named Sobble. I’m thinking Mudkip when I see him. He seemed really funny to me at first, but I’m starting to like this guy. I like how he did the invisible-in-water thing in the trailer.

Now for the third one:

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I’ll take this guy, please and thank you. I’ve wanted a fire rabbit starter since I’ve seen this fan fake, which you may remember from a while back:

pokemon_gen_8_leak_potential_fire

Now they actually have done a fire bunny starter! I really liked the fan concept, and I think it looks really convincing, but now I like the real one more. By the way, the new fire rabbit is called Scorbunny. Score, indeed. He’s well on his way to becoming my second favorite pokemon.

Now for the setting. Here’s a smaller version of the map that can be found on Serebii.net:

galarmap.jpg

The setting, named Galar, is apparently based on the UK. I think that’s great, because I’ve wanted to see a Pokemon game set in the UK for quite a while. I wonder whether the region is going to be very rainy?

As indicated by the logos above, the new games will be called Pokemon Sword and Pokemon Shield. This implies an emphasis on attack and defense, so it’s possible that version exclusives will be either more offensive or defensive, depending on the version. I suspect that Steel types will get plenty of attention, and maybe Aegislash will be a significant pokemon in Galar.

What we’ve seen of the Galar region and its pokemon so far is quite appealing. I suspect that we will see more soon, because the timeframe for release for the games is late 2019. If they stay on track, we’re months away from it’s release.

Why should we tolerate printers that lie to us?

This is the International Space Station:

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Its orbit far above earth’s surface is maintained by a pre-calculated velocity parallel to the tangent along earth’s surface. This creates free-fall conditions that simulate zero gravity, and allows the researchers on board to study the effects of zero gravity in physics and biology.

This is a web server:

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It is designed to handle client requests from devices located as far away as the other side of the globe via a connection to an information infrastructure that shares data between devices used by businesses and consumers of all ages. Odds are, one played a key role in you reading this.

This is a smart phone:

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It’s one of many devices like it on the market. It’s connected wirelessly to a cellular network that enables one to talk with people all over the world. It can also be used to browse the web, download and play games, purchase, download, and listen to music in surprisingly high-quality, watch movies on a display so fine that the naked eye couldn’t discern individual pixels, has a high-end camera built in, and can be used to make purchases by storing your credit and debit information. And there’s more. Lots more.

The model pictured has an octo-core processor, holds hundreds of gigabytes of data, is airtight to the point of being waterproof, and can recharge wirelessly.

Also, you can easily fit it in your pocket.

Finally, here is a printer. The thing about printers is…

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Oh, hold on. That’s not a printer. That’s flaming garbage. My mistake.

Here’s what a printer looks like:

Epson-Expression-Home-XP-446.png

It runs using one of the most expensive liquids in the world, with a set of replacement cartridges in all four colors costing about $50. They only cost pennies to manufacture. The printer itself fails to operate properly within mere months of use, and in some cases, will actively lie to its user about its own ink status in an effort to encourage the consumer to buy even more expensive ink.

Think that’s a joke? I went to print an important document that I was to mail to the state government, but the print faded out on page two. So I checked the ink levels, which were kinda low, but there was still enough to finish the job. I tried printing the same documents as before. Page one printed just fine, but page two faded out in exactly the same manner as before.

I got desperate, as the documents were very important and time sensitive. So, seeing that page one printed just fine in both cases, I decided to print out page two by itself. The page faded out in exactly the same manner as before. My printer arbitrarily decided that it was going to fail on that page, and it was not going to allow any attempt to circumvent its planned failure.

I started searching my printer and its software for an option to make composite black using the color cartridges, knowing that some printers allowed this. Not finding it, I decided to keep trying. The documents were important. But the fading still occurred on page two, in the exact same way.

In case you’re wondering, the printer in question was an Epson Expression XP-446 (pictured above). Now you know not to buy Epson products.

The first page was printed enough times that the printer could have easily printed the entire document multiple times. Eventually, when the black ink was just about exhausted, I got a notification for an option to create composite black ink from the color cartridges (even though I couldn’t find that option before). I went for it, the document finally printed out in a kinda gross-looking brownish black, and I hurried and rushed the paperwork to the state government.

Shouldn’t it be illegal for printers to lie to us to try to get us to buy more ink?

For a while after that, the same printer didn’t give me problems. Not until just yesterday, when I tried doing my federal and state taxes. That’s when my printer decided to stop printing black ink, even though there was plenty left. The printer had no problem with wasting paper and color ink as I attempted in vain to get it to produce some important print-outs.

How come a printer that has no problem printing pictures of anime women wearing bikinis suddenly runs into issues when it comes to printing up important paperwork to send to the federal government of the United States?

nami one piece bikini.pngPriorities.

If we can suspend a huge piece of metal in the sky and make it habitable for research purposes, harness the power of electromagnetic waves for instantaneous communication with people all over the world, and make multimedia supercomputers that fit in one’s pocket, why is it so hard to make a printer that works dependably?

And if such a printer exists, please let me know where I can find it.

More Prototype Pokemon From Gen One Surface

capsule monsters pocket monsters logos.png

More prototype designs from the early stages of Pokemon’s development have come to light, as posted on Helix Chamber. These designs include early title screens, as pictured above, early trainer models, early maps, and early pokemon designs.

Some of these designs were already known thanks to a recently-released manga about Pokemon’s creator, Satoshi Tajiri. I’m offering commentary on some of the designs here; the rest can be seen over at Helix Chamber.

Missing-Intro-Graphic.pngYuuichi2-291x300.png

The early design for Red had a bit of a roughneck look to him. He looks more like an adult, so perhaps Pokemon wasn’t always intended to be a kid’s game. Especially of interest is the whip he holds. It’s been suggested that in the early Pokemon games there was to be a conflict between trainers that were harsh with pokemon, using whips to discipline them, and trainers that built bonds with pokemon through trust. Previously, we’ve had evidence of this in that there still included trainer classes that held whips, such as Team Rocket members and even the gym leader Sabrina.

The fact that there are two large sprites showing Red with a whip and without suggests that maybe the player got to choose which side they’d take.

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We get yet another look at Yujirou, the trainer who was originally planned as the Viridian gym leader. The take on him above is referred to as Ichitarou, with “ichi” meaning “first”, which implies what we already knew about him: he almost came before Brock!

Umezou.png

Umezou may have been intended to be related to one of the main characters. His name implies it, as it does mean “junior”! His hat looks similar to one worn by Red in early art, so perhaps Umezou was to be Red’s little brother. He may have been replaced by Daisy, Blue’s sister. This is a large sprite, so it’s possible he had his own team.

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Blaine has been through a lot of redesigns. This early one has him looking like an army man. Sugimori said that his gym was originally planned to have bombs in it, which was scrapped in favor of riddles.

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This early map of Kanto contains many dummied-out sections. That there are several similar versions of this map goes to show that GameFreak was very deliberate about how the first Pokemon region was designed.

Notice how there is a town south of Fushia City? Seafoam Island was originally intended to be multiple islands, but this map doesn’t reflect that.

Now for the pokemon designs. There was originally planned to be as many as 190 pokemon in gen one, but some of them were scrapped. Here’s a few that stood out to me:

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You know those guys who pick on Drifloon as an example of new pokemon designs looking too weird? Those guys can shut up now, because a balloon pokemon was planned from the start, and the one we ended up getting looks a lot more interesting.

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This may be the backsprite for the crocodile pokemon first shown in the Tajiri manga, without the Einstein hair. However, it’s possible that this would have been the green dragon that would have taken “two hours to find and catch” that we’ve been hearing about.

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Zubat may be annoying to encounter over and over again in caves, but at least it had personality. This guy was apparently to be a pre-evo, but didn’t quite make it into the final game.

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This shows what could have been an evolved form of Marowak, which shows Cubone with its mother. There’s a resemblance to Kangaskhan that’s noteworthy.

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This may very well be Gorochu, the evolved form of Raichu that we’ve been hearing a lot about recently! Gorochu was described as having fangs and horns. This back sprite shows just one horn, but you can notice the resemblance to Raichu in the bifurcating ears. What the ice-like formation is around it, I don’t know. Perhaps it was some kind of thundercloud?

There’s a lot more, as can be seen over at Helix Chamber. It’s really interesting to see some of the early concepts of Pokemon, as it shows just how much thought went into the game’s development. If even one of these pokemon were implemented into Pokemon Red and Green, that might have had an effect on the game that would have made Pokemon much different than it turned out to be.

Even now, decades later, stuff like this can still come to surface. It’s hard to tell what from the early concepts we’ll get to see next. More Gorochu, maybe?

The PokeBall Plus: Is this thing worth buying?

Pokeball-Plus

When Pokemon: Let’s Go, Pikachu! and Pokemon: Let’s Go, Eevee! were released late last year, they came alongside a peripheral that was intended to act as a dedicated controller for the games. Not only that, it also functioned similarly to the Pokemon Go Plus accessory for smartphones.

Is this thing worth buying?

I ended up getting one a little while back, and after having played with it quite a bit, I think I can answer the question: it really depends on whether you play at least one of the two Let’s Go games, and whether you play Pokemon Go. And even if you play both, it’s still a “maybe”, because there still wouldn’t be a guarantee that it would appeal to you. Personally, I think I got my money’s worth, but not everyone would have the same tastes in game accessories as me.

The PokeBall Plus functions as a dedicated controller for the Pokemon: Let’s Go games. As far as I know, any attempt to use the controller with any other game would only result in failure.

When used with the Let’s Go games, the PokeBall Plus is a motion-sensitive controller. As a controller, it’s pretty simplistic. It has a main button, which would be the button of the pokeball that we’ve been seeing all these years. The main button basically acts as your “A” button: you use it to talk to people, make menu selections, interact with Pikachu, that basic A button stuff.

But here’s the catch: the main button is actually a “click” feature by pushing down on a control stick. So, the button that you use to make selections such as executing attacks? You also use it to move around, and to highlight different options and different attacks. I’m not a fan of it. It’s way too easy to attempt to select something accidentally because the stick is moved in a direction.

The spherical shape of the controller does make it disorienting when it comes to moving in a direction. There’s not really much in terms of tactile feedback to determine how the controller is oriented in one’s hand. That means that you have to look down at it to determine whether you’re holding it right. At the very least, the rubber coating of the controller does prevent it from slipping, so you don’t have to reposition it very often. Having said that, a spherical controller isn’t terribly ergonomic.

There’s also a “B” button on the controller, and it’s on the top of it. It’s simple, you use it to cancel selections. There’s not much to it, and it works just as you’d expect. But when outside of battle, it acts as a “pause”, which brings up the menu, and also closes it.

Shaking the controller acts as the “Y” button when prompted, but also provides a shortcut to interacting with Pikachu/Eevee. When in battle, and Pikachu/Eevee’s special is available, shaking also provides the shortcut to using it.

Now, here’s the big thing: when confronting wild pokemon, the PokeBall Plus provides that extra bit of simulation. The motion controls work similarly to the joy-con, but you get that added satisfaction of swinging a Pokeball at a pokemon with an accessory designed to expedite the experience. It’s accurate, too. In fact, it seems like the PokeBall Plus is more accurate when throwing Pokeballs than an ordinary joy-con.

Another nice touch is that the opening around the control stick of the main button is illuminated by what may be RGB LEDs, which can glow certain colors depending on what you’re doing in the game. It glows certain colors when attempting to catch pokemon, and when you catch one, it emits a color that corresponds to the pokemon that was just caught. Cooler still is the fact that the PokeBall Plus also makes sounds, such as cries of pokemon that were just caught. It’s little things like that that makes the PokeBall Plus a very thoughtfully-designed product.

Having said that, it’s still the case that the right way to catch pokemon in Let’s Go is to undock the Switch and play in handheld mode, especially if you intend to chain pokemon for large amounts of candy.

Another added function of the PokeBall Plus is that you can send one of your own pokemon to it, and take it around with you as you go about your day-to-day business. When you do this, the controller acts as a step counter. You’ll be able to “play” with the pokemon inside by making it active with the control stick, and it’ll respond to shaking, “petting” motions, and moving the control stick in circles. I’m still not entirely sure what the benefits of playing with the pokemon might be, but certain activities might increase the rewards obtained when sending the pokemon back to the game.

Players that wish to raise legendary pokemon or other pokemon that are very difficult to obtain candy for in Let’s Go would appreciate that the PokeBall Plus makes it possible to obtain candy for these pokemon in substantial quantity. Just put the pokemon in, take it for a long walk, perhaps use the device with Pokemon Go, and when you send your pokemon back to your game, you’ll likely get quite a few species-specific candies.

Aside from sometimes enjoying the novelty of a Pokeball-shaped controller, the main thing I use it for in Let’s Go Pikachu! is getting lots of species-specific candies. It’s not hard to get tons of Oddish Candies in-game, but getting lots of Mewtwo or Meltan candy? Obtaining lots of candy specific to legendary pokemon is a tall order in Let’s Go without the help of the Pokeball Plus.

Now for the main thing that I use the PokeBall Plus for: as an accessory for Pokemon Go. As a Pokemon Go accessory, the PokeBall Plus rules. It functions basically the same as the Pokemon Go Plus accessory: when you pair it with your game, it allows you to play Pokemon Go somewhat passively.

Here are the main perks:

  • It vibrates when a wild pokemon is nearby. Push B to consume a regular pokeball attempting to capture it. If it works, you catch the pokemon. If it fails, it flees.
  • It automatically spins PokeStops you’re near. Wild pokemon seem to take priority, so you might have to attempt to capture them, first.

That first point is great, because if you manage to accumulate regular pokeballs in massive quantity, you can just spend them out quickly, and if you catch something with one, great! You get the EXP, candy, and stardust that you normally would, but if you use the PokeBall Plus in this manner, you’re currently only able to use regular pokeballs this way, and it’s only ordinary throws. But hey, if you’d otherwise just chuck those pokeballs out to make room for great balls and ultra balls, what’s the harm in spending them like this?

Also, this provides a quick way of gaining experience: Just set a Lucky Egg, walk through a WalMart parking lot or some similar place, and use the PokeBall Plus to try catching lots of pokemon. Using the PokeBall Plus to attempt a capture may not be a sure thing, but it bypasses the long animations associated with using the app, so you could gain lots of EXP fast if there’s lots of pokemon around to capture.

I’m able to accrete pokemon to myself while walking down the street. What an age we live in!

And if you’re wearing a heavy coat and don’t have your phone out, how would anyone know whether you’re playing Pokemon Go? Of course, that would only be a selling point if you cared whether anyone found you out.

Overall, I’m pleased with the PokeBall Plus, but I know that it’s not going to appeal to everyone. If you have one of the Let’s Go games, it adds a novelty to the experience. But to be honest, I found myself using a joy-con while playing, instead. If you play Pokemon Go, and want to add to the experience what feels like a late-game power-up in a video game, then you might find yourself enjoying the PokeBall Plus. But it’s most likely to appeal to you if you fall into both categories.

However, if you don’t play Pokemon Go, and you’re starting to move on from Let’s Go to some other games, then the PokeBall Plus would likely start to spend a lot of time sitting in your entertainment center as a conversation piece.

Also, for the modders out there: the matte nature of the rubber may make it difficult for paint to stick to the thing. It’s a shame, I was looking forward to seeing what people would come up with.

But hey, while the promotion is still running, you can still get a Mew out of the deal. Supposedly, it’s a limited-time thing, but I don’t know how long it’s supposed to last. Also, if it’s the Mew that you’re in it for, it would be much safer buying the PokeBall Plus new. Only one Mew would be distributed for each individual device.

The very specific nature of this accessory makes it difficult to score. If you don’t have at least one of the games it’s specifically-designed for, the PokeBall Plus is likely to be an expensive piece of plastic. But for hardcore Pokemon fanatics that wanted more of an element of immersion, it might be a dream come true.

Based on my own feelings about it, I can give the PokeBall Plus a score of 8.4 out of 10.

I wonder whether this thing would be compatible with any future Pokemon games? There might be some potential for expansion, here.

The Right Way to Play Pokemon Red and Blue

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This is one guide that’s overdue. By something like two decades.

If you were alive in the late nineties, there’s a strong chance you’ve played Pokemon Red and Blue. You may have even been one of the few to have played the Green version, which was exclusively available in Japan.

You may have been playing it, but have you been playing it right?

This is a guide on how to make the most effective team for a speedy playthrough of Pokemon Red, Blue, and even Green. This guide also makes the assumption that you’ll be attempting to play through the game without exploiting glitches.

If you were to exploit glitches, you’d be able to beat the game pretty fast. In fact, it’s possible to exploit a glitch to beat the game in under a minute. But even if you weren’t to go that route, you could easily get a Mew early in the game. Also, it would be possible to exploit an experience underflow glitch to get a level 100 pokemon at the beginning of the game. Then there’s the obvious Missingno. glitch. The list goes on.

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But when it comes down to it, what’s a glitch? If a glitch is something that the developers didn’t intend, then exploiting a glitch is similar to using a pokemon that’s strong because the developers didn’t properly balance the game. But hold on, we’ve actually been using the word “glitch” wrong. A technical definition of a glitch is a brief voltage spike that can cause a program to operate in a manner that was unintended. Yet, it’s come to be the term used for unintended behavior due to improper coding.

In any case, when a game glitches out (however you may define a glitch), the game is still obeying the laws of physics, and the programming is still being executed by the hardware in a manner consistent with natural laws. And in the case of Pokemon Red, Blue, and Green, the programming is a relatively simple assembly language. It just so happens that players have found ways to manipulate the addresses through the course of gameplay that result in outcomes that the original programmers didn’t intend.

But, I digress. This guide is about the most practical teambuilding choices for Pokemon Red, Blue, and Green. Thankfully, version exclusive pokemon don’t break the game, making it easy to group the three games together into one guide.

Many teambuilding guides for playthroughs I’ve seen tend to focus on choosing a team of six pokemon. While the players do succeed in making diverse teams of effective pokemon, the main flaw with these guides is that in the earlier games the experience points aren’t distributed to all party members in the same way that some of the newer games do. By late in the game, there’d be a need to power-level to make up for the fact that experience points gained from the typical playthrough don’t spread very well among a bigger team. It’s better for there to be a team of just a few core battlers that are higher-leveled and can take on what the game throws at them. What’s more, this enables the player to free up space on their team for dedicated HM users to grant the player mobility, while leaving move slots available for offensive battlers.

Also, if you’re looking to have an efficient playthrough, it’s best to come to the realization that it may be better to box a pokemon that’s no longer pulling it’s weight in favor of a more effective one. You’re treating pokemon like data in a game, because in this case, that’s just what they are.

So then, on to the teambuilding choices:

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Bulbasaur is my favorite generation one starter. However, while it gains a strong move in Razor Leaf and has lots of HP recovery options, Bulbasaur doesn’t have a diverse set of offensive moves for much of the game, and the HP recovery moves don’t lend Bulbasaur to being ideal for an efficient playthrough. What’s more, Bulbasaur’s defensive typing is terrible.

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The playground wars over which Kanto starter reigns supreme continues to this day. But as far as this guide goes, Squirtle is the clear winner.

Squirtle retains its effectiveness throughout the whole game. Squirtle beats Brock, easily. It’ll likely evolve to Wartortle soon afterwards, and it’s capable of going blow-for-blow with Misty, if it comes to that. It doesn’t do well against the next two gyms, but you’ll have other choices to help you with them. For most in-game opponents, it does very well, especially against the many hikers you’ll see that use Rock/Ground pokemon, and because it’s strong against those, it’ll be easy to pick up a few levels with a few stray wild pokemon you’ll find in caves. The final form, Blastoise, is great against the last two gyms. If Squirtle is your starter, it easily maintains its usefulness throughout the entire game.

Because Surf is one of Blastoise’s best moves, it’s a natural candidate for it. Blastoise can also learn Ice Beam and Blizzard, which gives it a punch against the many Flying types you’ll encounter in this game, and the Grass types that would usually give it trouble. The catch is, it’s dependent on TMs for Ice Beam and Blizzard.

Don’t despair Charmander, because once mega evolution becomes a thing, you’re going to make a serious comeback.

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Which Nidoran is easier to find depends on the version you’re playing, but the boy is easier to find in the US Red version, while the girl is easier to find in the US Blue version. Both are great for similar reasons, and neither one suffers much in terms of difference in stat totals. The male one becomes a Nidoking, which benefits from higher Attack and Speed stats, but the female one becomes Nidoqueen, which learns Body Slam by level, which is considered superior to Nidoking’s Thrash. If the one you prefer is harder to find and you have some spare time, then you can catch one at the outset on Route 22 just west of Viridian City.

It’s okay to start with, but here’s the selling point: they evolve to their next stage up at level 16, which is about the time that you reach Mt. Moon. They evolve to their final stage using a Moon Stone, which you can obtain in Mt. Moon. See what I’m saying? You can have a fully-evolved, super-strong pokemon shortly after having obtained your first badge. And at level 23, they learn strong moves.

One thing to keep in mind is that they’ll pick up the Ground type, so they won’t necessarily do well against Misty’s Water types. However, you’ll have other pokemon on your team by the time you face her.

So, Gary is coming at you with a Bulbasaur? Go at him with your massive, spiky super-mouse. Ekans may be a natural predator, but you’re going to be the terror of Nugget Bridge. If you struggle at this point in the game with a Nidoqueen or Nidoking on your team, you’re doing something wrong.

When it comes time to leave Cerulean City, you’ll have the TM to teach your Nido Dig, so it’ll have a strong move that matches its type. This will make it very useful in the next gym.

It’s kind of hard to say, but the Nido will be replaced with a different Ground type before long in the game. Another pokemon will prove to be a better long-term choice. Don’t allow that to discourage you from enjoying the power trip while it lasts. Besides, the Nido can learn Strength, so there would still be a use for it on the team.

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You find Abra on Routes 24 and 25, north of Cerulean City. It’s annoying to find because it’s kind-of rare, and really annoying to catch, because it only knows Teleport, which has it escape from battle. When you encounter one in the wild, your best bet for catching it might be to just throw a ball at it and hope it works with it at full HP. Which isn’t unrealistic.

But it’s very much worth the trouble. Abra Evolves to Kadabra in just a few levels. At level 16, it becomes a powerful Kadabra, and learns the move Confusion. At that point, it’ll be all set to sweep most trainers that you’ll meet. Poison types are very common opponents in this game, used by many of the Team Rocket grunts that you’ll meet, and many of the Grass types you meet that can give your other teammates trouble will also be Poison type, so Kadabra supports your team very well.

One thing to know about Kadabra is that its Defense isn’t great. But its Speed and Special stats are so high, that most opponents might not be able to get a hit in before they get straight-up KOed! If opponents are KOed before they can take a shot at Kadabra, then it’s low Defense don’t be that much of a liability.

You can evolve Kadabra into Alakazam by trading it, but that’s not even necessary, because even Kadabra is strong enough to be a mainstay on your team throughout the rest of the game. The only thing that would threaten it with obsolescence would be Mewtwo, but that guy is available in the postgame, so that would have no effect on a playthrough. But hey, Mewtwo in gen one makes everything else obsolete, anyway.

Kadabra usually has some room for non-offensive moves, and it can learn Flash, so it’s a great choice to teach it the move when you obtain it.

There are a couple gym leaders that might give Kadabra trouble. One is Misty, because her Starmie is also a Psychic type, so it would resist Kadabra’s own Psychic-type moves, while dishing out the Water type Bubblebeam. Sabrina also uses Psychic types, including Alakazam. Overcoming her Alakazam might be challenging, but you can cheese yourself a victory with a little strategy:

First, have Kadabra use Flash on Alakazam to lower its accuracy. Use healing items as necessary. Once you’ve used the move a few times, the odds that Alakazam’s attacks will connect will be very low. At that point, just switch to some attackers that can hit hard and let them have at it. The idea is that even though Alakazam’s Special attacks are very strong, with decreased Accuracy, it might not get a hit in, so it might not make a difference. Keep in mind that even if you lower its Accuracy by a lot, there is still a small chance that Alakazam’s attacks can still connect.

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You can catch a Spearow quickly just to the east of Vermilion City. Don’t get too attached to it, because you’ll be trading it away pretty quick. If you’re playing the Japanese version of Pokemon Blue, go north of Vermilion city to Route 6 and catch a Pidgey, instead.

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There’s a trainer in Vermilion City who is willing to trade his Farfetch’d away. The pokemon he wants for it? A Spearow. Or a Pidgey, if you’re playing the Japanese version of Pokemon Blue. Give him what he wants, and you’ll get a Farfetch’d in return.

Why Farfetch’d? For mobility. It can learn Cut, which you’ll soon have a use for, and Fly, which helps immensely with mobility later on.

It’s mainly on the team for those HMs, but there are some players that like it in spite of it’s somewhat sub-par stats for the fact that it gets an EXP boost by virtue of being a traded pokemon, and it learns Swords Dance. Sounds cool, and if you want to try that, go ahead. Just keep in mind that it might not obey you if you overlevel it before obtaining certain gym badges.

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Poor ol’ Lt. Surge. He started up an Electric gym, but the pokemon that can beat them with little problem can be obtained with ease just outside of town. Even better yet, there’s a chance you might find the evolved form, a high-level Dugtrio, instead.

Diglett (Dugtrio) will replace Nidoking/Nidoqueen as the Ground type for your team. You might be hesitant, but hear me out. Diglett and Dugtrio learn excellent moves on their own without the use of TMs, which the Nido would be heavily dependent on. Dugtrio has slightly lower Attack, but it more than makes up for it in Speed. Also, the Nido’s Poison typing will later prove to be a great liability, especially against Sabrina and Giovanni, when you’d likely want something really fast, anyway.

So yeah, Dugtrio is the better long-term choice than Nidoking/Nidoqueen. It’s really tough being a Poison type in this game, just ask Bulbasaur and many other gen one Grass types.

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There’s an Eevee for you to pick up in Celadon City, and it’s yours for the taking. Eevee is one of the rare pokemon that can still learn moves by level after you use a stone to evolve it. And it so happens that you can obtain all three of the stones that you could use on it right there in Celadon City. The choice that fits this team the best would be the Thunder Stone, which can get you a Jolteon.

Remember the TM for Thunderbolt that you got from Lt. Surge? Jolteon is a prime choice to teach it to. It’s really a shame that you only get one in a non-glitched game, since it’s a great move. With Thunderbolt, Jolteon can power through the many Bird Keepers and Swimmers that are easy to find, giving Jolteon opportunity for plenty of levels. What’s more, Jolteon beats Gary’s Gyarados, which can otherwise be pretty challenging. It takes a while for Jolteon to learn Pin Missile, but it’s one of the few decent offensive options that actually gets super-effective hits against Psychic types in gen one.

You might consider eventually replacing Jolteon with Zapdos later on, but a word of caution: Zapdos is weak to Lorelei’s Ice-type moves, while Jolteon is not.

So, there you go. With that, you should have an effective team of core battlers and HM users. Here is how the team should look by the end of the game, with HMs indicated:

  1. Blastoise (Surf)
  2. Kadabra (Flash)
  3. Diglett
  4. Jolteon
  5. Farfetch’d (Cut, Fly)
  6. Nidoking/Nidoqueen (Strength)

“But what about…”

There are a few other choices you may have preferred that didn’t make the team. They’re not bad pokemon, and if you want to use them instead, it’s up to you. Here’s a few that have been considered, but didn’t quite make this team:

Gyarados
Gyarados has high stats all around, especially its Attack stat. The catch is that it must be leveled up from Magikarp, which is really inconvenient to do in these games, even if you can get early on. But there’s actually another catch: it doesn’t learn any power moves of its own type except for Water moves, which come off it’s Special stat, rather than its phenomenal Attack stat.

Doduo
If you haven’t tried using a Doduo, you’re missing out. You can obtain one right by Celadon City, and it has an easy time against that town’s gym. It’s evolved form, Dodrio, is a pretty strong Normal/Flying type, and can take down the numerous Grass types you see, easily. However, because Kadabra can do a better job against many of those same opponents, it was difficult to justify including it. Especially if you want to try using Farfetch’d to battle.

Articuno
Articuno comes at a high level, and comes with the super-useful Ice Beam. A Blizzard coming from Articuno does catastrophic damage, and it learns the move just one level after catching it. But its catch rate is low, which may necessitate soft-resetting multiple times while attempting to catch it. What’s more, it’s located at a very inconvenient place, at the bottom of Seafoam Islands. Seafoam Islands is a pain to go through, but thankfully, it’s an optional area, as the player can access Cinnabar Island by Surfing south of Pallet Town.

Zapdos
Like Jolteon, it’s dependent on the Thunderbolt TM to be effective. But the nod goes to Jolteon because it’s available earlier on, and is safer to use against Lorelei because it’s not weak to her Ice-type moves. But if you want to give Zapdos a try, it’s not nearly as inconvenient to get to as Articuno, and there’s something appealing about having an Electric type that’s immune to the Ground-type attacks that usually give them trouble.

Dratini
Comes too late in the game and at a low level for that point. It’s difficult enough to level it up to the point that it catches up to your teammates, but even then, it has to evolve to Dragonite (at level 55!) to really be worthwhile. But worse yet, Dragonite in gen one is highly overrated, save for a slow, cheesy strategy that’s better in multiplayer matches than in a speedy playthrough.

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Pikachu
I know, I know. Pikachu has fans. And it’s great that it can be obtained early on. One could make the case that it would be strong against Misty, but it would largely depend on its Thundershock attack, because it can’t learn Thunderbolt by level in Red, Blue or Green. But if you can get it all the way to Celadon City, you can evolve it to Raichu, and that’s certainly appealing.

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Now you know the right way to play Pokemon Red and Blue, as well as the rare Japanese Green version. That’s how Pokemon was played, way back in the day, before they started coming along with lots of new stuff.

Like lots of new pokemon, some of which are pretty cool.

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And new human characters, some with surprisingly complex motivations.

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And new gameplay mechanics to shake things up.

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Some of which encourage community in ways that provide hours of fun outside the main game itself.

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Wow, Pokemon sure has come a long way. And when it comes down to it, that’s just how we wanted it. I know that many of us like to get all nostalgic and remember the times when Pokemon was simple. But the fact is, even then, we saw potential for the series to go much further. Back in the Red and Blue days, we wanted there to be new pokemon. Lots more.

We wanted it so badly, that we’d go to public libraries because that’s how most people in the nineties accessed the internet. Then, we’d scour some Geocities pages on the chance that some random guy with a web page somehow had insight into the future of Pokemon. That’s what the internet was like back then. I remember going to the school library with a couple friends and doing just that. It was a time of pagers and fax machines, which would soon give way to emails and text messages.

We have a tendency to look at the past through rose-colored glasses, and in so doing, we seem to forget that the struggles we faced are every bit as vivid as the ones we face now. This is enabled largely because, in hindsight, we know we lived through them to see today. Not only that, we remember with fondness the things that we enjoyed back then. For those of us who liked Pokemon, that was one of those things. When we’re honest about it, we wanted new Pokemon with new characters. That’s one of those things that worked out.

The Pokemon games have been around for decades. The first ones were enjoyable, and there have been many enjoyable games in the series, since. As great as this was, great times are still ahead. Pokemon taught us to be positive and enthusiastic about the future, not just because it comes about without our input, but because we can train for it. It’s not just about training our pokemon, it’s about training ourselves to be better than we were before. Think about the ways that you can become a better you.

You can think of life as a game if you want to, but if you do, think about the rules and how you can get better at playing it, and take the practical actions necessary to achieve conditions of victory. A college degree? A successful career? Or something else? Choose a goal, and think about what you need to do to attain it. Then maybe you can think of a few pointers for winning at the game of life.

Train on.