Tag Archives: humor

You are not a vampire.

Occasionally, you may see someone who thinks that he’s a vampire. Either that, or it’s some fantasy he engages in that he sometimes acts out.

In some cases, it’s pretty obvious that the reason someone engages in fantasies like this is because they wish that they’re someone or something else because they are failing at what they actually are. Like how a person with a bad job pictures themselves as some kind of genius even though they aren’t actually doing anything to improve their situation, or doing that well at the job that they already have.

One question I have is, why would anyone want to be a vampire? They fancy themselves some master race even though:

  • They can’t cross running water – this makes vampires easy to outrun
  • Daylight kills them – significantly limits their activities
  • They can’t come into contact with certain religious symbols – which are very easy to find, by the way
  • Garlic kills them – this is something that is used to flavor pizza, pasta sauces, and other foods that many people like
  • And recently, they sparkle – makes them easy to identify

Yeah, vampires are lame.

Vampires are often pictured as having superpowers, which don’t do nearly enough to compensate for the fact that vampires can’t do many of the things that most of us like, such as synthesizing sunlight into vitamin D. Also, the fact that sunlight kills them means that this self-proclaiming “master race” can’t participate in this thing called “agriculture”.

However, it’s hard to find the self-proclaiming vampire that expresses interest in just about any means of production. This is no surprise, because vampires personify what’s wrong with today’s entitlement culture: they consume other people’s work, but they contribute little to nothing to society. Vampires are the fantasy equivalent of those guys with Escalades who live on social security and food stamps/access cards/EBT cards.

Also, space travel is out of the question for vampires, because they can’t travel beyond the earth’s umbra. Travel for vampires is also limited because there are places on earth where the sun doesn’t set for months.

There may be some recent attempts to reinvent vampires, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s something that someone pretends to be when someone wants to forget about their job as a Walmart clerk. But if a person is in a position like that, why not fantasize about being an architect, or an electronics technician? Then they can do something to make it happen. Because when it comes down to it, a person can’t become a vampire, no matter how much they want to be one. However, a person can become an architect or an electronics technician if a person is willing to learn and do the required work.

But if a person just wants to fantasize, why not fantasize about doing or being something that’s not lame? For example:

  • A space marine
  • A cyborg
  • An extra-dimensional dragon
  • A rock star or some other musician
  • A combination of the four, because why not? If you’re going to daydream, go for gusto.

If someone is going to choose to mold their fantasies to some template, why choose a template that’s lame or tired? There’s nothing really interesting about vampires. People who think that they are vampires are not vampires, and they shouldn’t want to be one.

A look at some of the worst advice the internet has to offer: how to tell your crush you like him/her

wikihow crush

It’s probably no surprise that the internet is teeming with bad advice, and some of it you find on WikiHow.

Let’s look at their article, How to Tell Your Crush You Like Him Without Words. (EDIT 23 Jan 2015: The page has since been rewritten, so the advice is no longer as hilariously bad as it was before. The analysis in this post is of the old version of the article. If anyone has access to the old version of the article, a link in the comments section would be appreciated.)

My first problem with this article is in the title: the author insists on not using words. What’s wrong with using words? It becomes apparent shortly that this article is intended for some seriously shy girls. If that’s a problem, WikiHow probably has a few articles on overcoming shyness.

If one were to attempt a psychoanalysis based only on the contents of this article, one may guess that it’s author has an unusual and unrealistic expectation of people’s ability to read minds. If such a person has anger issues or allows little things to upset them, that person probably does have some relationship problems.

Let’s break these tips down one at a time:

1. From afar (about ten feet) look into his eyes (do not stare). When he catches your gaze give him a dazzling smile he won’t forget and wave or wink.

The items on this list are highly situational. The advice here is to stand from afar, about ten feet. Ten feet isn’t very far, but the author of this list seems to think so. Once the distance requirement is met, then “give a dazzling smile.” The author also reminds us to wave or wink, so apparently this expert on crushes thinks it’s a serious omission not to do so.

Notice how it says “about” ten feet. WikiHow is giving a little bit of leeway here, so there’s no need to break out the tape measure in an attempt to set up the moment you’d otherwise probably be waiting a while for.

2. Do you know where he sits in class? If so, leave a note on his desk saying “Something is waiting for you on the school steps at 3 o’clock sharp”. Leave a little gift and note at 3 o’clock sharp on the school steps saying, “Hi so-and-so. Thought you might like this : ). From your friend, so-and-so.”

If I sat down at my typical spot and found something like this, I’d probably find it seriously creepy. One may even consider it a threat. There’s too much room in this tip for something to go wrong. What if your crush decided to sit somewhere else? Or what if Chuck from the football team decided to sit in his favorite spot?

Also, the title of WikiHow’s list insists on not using words, and writing notes does qualify as using words.

3. Grab a group of friends (including your crush) and invite them to play basketball, soccer, etc. When playing, make sure you’re on your crush’s team and pass the ball to him a lot. After the game go up and give him a high five and smile. If you’re feeling daring and need to say something say, “Great job! You’re an awesome —– (fill in the blank with the sport you played) player.”

This tip makes the assumption that your crush is interested in sports. What if he, like myself, is one of the many men out there that don’t care about sports? This tip does little more than support the notion that the ideal boyfriend is a jock, while nerds would be avoided. This is a notion that is turned on it’s face once one advances beyond high school, and the nerds generally have much better careers.

4. Pass by him and then turn your head around to look at him. If he’s doing the same thing, that’s a good sign.

There’s actually such a thing as a female creep, just as there is such a thing as female stalkers. If he’s looking back at you, it might be a good sign. Or it might be a bad sign.

Looking through this article’s art, I noticed that the female is almost always the only one blushing, and in the one where the guy might be, his face doesn’t turn pink. Notice how when girls blush or have a crush, it’s considered cute, but if it’s a guy, he’s often seen as a pervert? Feminists like to complain that women are “objectified” and portrayed as being obsessed with love in media, but men seem afraid to complain that women are usually the ones that can get away with expressing their sexuality. Much of the male gender is in a pretty submissive state these days, resigned to the notion that when something in a relationship goes bad, they’re seen as the bad guys.

5. If he likes you back he will ask you out, but just be patient.

This tip doesn’t belong on the list. The idea is to tell your crush you like him, and somehow do so without words. Waiting for him to decide to initiate the relationship (and possible suffering in silence in the meantime) is not a step in this process.

6. Don’t kiss him, have him kiss you first!

As with the previous tip, the problem with this one is that it insists on waiting for the male to take initiative. Kissing him would communicate pretty well that you like him without using words, so to accomplish the objective, it would be more effective to not take the list’s advice.

7. Never force a guy to like you, just let time do that and be nice. Try to talk and if he does not want to talk then so what? Try next week and then he’ll finally ask you out.

This list asserts pretty confidently that if a guy doesn’t want to go out with you, then he’ll do it if you ask him again next week. It actually doesn’t work that way. But, again, this list breaks it’s own rule by saying “try to talk,” which, yes, does qualify as “using words.”

8. If he asks to borrow a pencil, give him one with a message on it.

First, giving someone a pencil with a message on it counts as using words. Second, this depends on the object of affection asking for a pencil, which if he does, he’s probably not very dependable. If such a thing were to happen, the exchange would probably go something like this:

Boy: Hi, I forgot my pencil. May I borrow one of yours?
Girl: Oh, yeah. Just a minute. (proceeds to etch something on the pencil)
Boy: Um, will this take very long?
Girl: No, wait just a minute. (scribbles furiously)
Boy: The pencil looked okay. It didn’t look like it needed anything done with it.
Girl: I’m almost done! (scribbles faster)
Boy: Look, I’ll just borrow a pencil from some other girl.

This situation could probably be averted by having a pencil with a message already on it, but then you’d probably end up hanging onto it until the theoretical moment occurs that he asks for a pencil (and doesn’t ask someone else). Another way to avert this situation is with the following tip:

Ask him out.

A date is a small amount of time spent with someone to attempt to determine their character as a potential suitor. A person goes on a date to determine whether they would prefer to be in a relationship with them, and it is sometimes a recreational activity between a couple already in a relationship. If a person takes the advice in the WikiHow article mentioned above, a date isn’t likely to happen, and an infatuation from afar is likely to continue for a long time, with the person continuing to have a crush based on assumptions that they’ve made about that person.

Why I don’t like “The Big Bang Theory”

A while ago, I was introduced to a TV show that I hadn’t heard of before. This show is called “The Big Bang Theory”. I can’t put my finger on one thing I don’t like about this show. That’s because there are a lot of things about this show that irk me. Here are just a few:

1) BBT makes a sad attempt to sound smart.
Just to make sure the point gets across that the main characters of BBT are smart people, one of them will occasionally say something that sounds scientific. Whether they get it right or wrong is not the point. The needless inclusion of any subject material (such as science) into a television show can have the effect of making the viewer feel involved, regardless of the technical level of the material shared. The result is the viewers of BBT feeling smarter, even though what they’ve just watched is about as intellectually stimulating as “The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog”. What’s worse, BBT actually seems to try to feed a pretentious feeling of intellectual elation. I have little other explanation for why it’s viewers keep coming back.

Intellectually speaking, BBT is like junk food. Delicious? Taste is subjective, but it remains that it adds nothing of value. If you want to actually be smarter, watch some real scientific shows, like Nova.

Can’t tell the difference? Neither can the writers of The Big Bang Theory.

2) This show gives people the wrong idea of what nerds are really about.
I could probably be considered a nerd. I don’t know for sure. What I do know is that I know some nerds, and BBT gets almost nothing right.

First, let’s get some terms out there:
Nerd: Someone who loses himself in a hobby or craft, often to the neglect of grooming, family, or career.
Scientist: An educated individual who discerns natural laws as a profession. Using knowledge of natural laws to design things is a separate discipline called “engineering”.

What BBT gets wrong is that it portrays it’s nerds as being scientists. As BBT would explain it, almost anyone who is smart is really into science, comic books, television, the internet, and makes nifty holographic projections in their basement. While nerds can be considered really smart, most of them treat their minds as databases for piles of useless information. Most of them specialize in video games, old reruns, board games, and things that the rest of us generally won’t find a use for. A nerd is often inconsequential because he subdues himself with things intended for recreation. While he could help you set up a wireless network, nerds aren’t the ones making world-changing discoveries.

On the other hand, many scientists are well-off enough to be unaware that BBT exists, though I can imagine that many of them secretly dread that something like it does. That’s because scientists are heavily involved with their trades. Scientists are the ones that went to school for the better part of a decade, and are working on uncovering the mysteries of the universe while remaining within a budget and dealing with pressure from deadlines. Scientists work hard, because someone else could end up beating them to making their big discovery, and claim credit for the whole thing. Any time a scientist can spend outside the office or laboratory would probably be spent sleeping or hiking. They likely won’t be the ones with encyclopedic knowledge of anime.

3) The laugh track.
This is probably the single most often-repeated complaint I hear about this show. Because of this, I may not be saying anything new, but I’m still going to express myself on this matter.

I remember Doug Funnie saying something like, “If your jokes are so funny, you wouldn’t have to laugh at them.” The recipient of this statement was Roger Klotz, but it could just as well be repeated to Chuck Lorre. Most people can think for themselves. We each have a differing sense of humor. If we think something is funny, we’ll laugh. We don’t need the show we are watching telling us what is funny, and what is not. We each have our own favorite comedies because each comedy is different. Our favorite comedies are decided by our sense of humor. Our sense of humor is not dictated to us by our comedies.

BBT’s laugh track serves the purpose of telling it’s poor audience when to laugh, because without it, they would be lost. Suppose one of it’s characters makes a nerd reference that is kind of nostalgic. Are we supposed to laugh? Apparently so, because there goes the laugh track.

I’m impressed that it’s the year 2012, and sitcom writers are still using the laugh track. I think it’s a cop-out. If there’s 10 seconds of the laugh track going while the characters are pausing and waiting for it to let up, that’s 10 seconds that the writers didn’t have to write for.

4) Bazinga!
Take it easy, Sheldon.

5) The opening theme.
Actually, this is my favorite part because it has nothing to do with the show.

And that’s how I feel about The Big Bang Theory. I’m not trying to change how anyone feels about this show, I thought I’d get my own opinion out there. How do you feel about BBT? Let me know.