You are not a vampire.

Occasionally, you may see someone who thinks that he’s a vampire. Either that, or it’s some fantasy he engages in that he sometimes acts out.

In some cases, it’s pretty obvious that the reason someone engages in fantasies like this is because they wish that they’re someone or something else because they are failing at what they actually are. Like how a person with a bad job pictures themselves as some kind of genius even though they aren’t actually doing anything to improve their situation, or doing that well at the job that they already have.

One question I have is, why would anyone want to be a vampire? They fancy themselves some master race even though:

  • They can’t cross running water – this makes vampires easy to outrun
  • Daylight kills them – significantly limits their activities
  • They can’t come into contact with certain religious symbols – which are very easy to find, by the way
  • Garlic kills them – this is something that is used to flavor pizza, pasta sauces, and other foods that many people like
  • And recently, they sparkle – makes them easy to identify

Yeah, vampires are lame.

Vampires are often pictured as having superpowers, which don’t do nearly enough to compensate for the fact that vampires can’t do many of the things that most of us like, such as synthesizing sunlight into vitamin D. Also, the fact that sunlight kills them means that this self-proclaiming “master race” can’t participate in this thing called “agriculture”.

However, it’s hard to find the self-proclaiming vampire that expresses interest in just about any means of production. This is no surprise, because vampires personify what’s wrong with today’s entitlement culture: they consume other people’s work, but they contribute little to nothing to society. Vampires are the fantasy equivalent of those guys with Escalades who live on social security and food stamps/access cards/EBT cards.

Also, space travel is out of the question for vampires, because they can’t travel beyond the earth’s umbra. Travel for vampires is also limited because there are places on earth where the sun doesn’t set for months.

There may be some recent attempts to reinvent vampires, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s something that someone pretends to be when someone wants to forget about their job as a Walmart clerk. But if a person is in a position like that, why not fantasize about being an architect, or an electronics technician? Then they can do something to make it happen. Because when it comes down to it, a person can’t become a vampire, no matter how much they want to be one. However, a person can become an architect or an electronics technician if a person is willing to learn and do the required work.

But if a person just wants to fantasize, why not fantasize about doing or being something that’s not lame? For example:

  • A space marine
  • A cyborg
  • An extra-dimensional dragon
  • A rock star or some other musician
  • A combination of the four, because why not? If you’re going to daydream, go for gusto.

If someone is going to choose to mold their fantasies to some template, why choose a template that’s lame or tired? There’s nothing really interesting about vampires. People who think that they are vampires are not vampires, and they shouldn’t want to be one.

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