This morning, I ended up behind a Monte Carlo in traffic. I had to squint to make out the stylized letters on its decal, because at a distance, it looked like it said, “Idiotmaster”.

It wasn’t until a red light that I made it out. It said, “Intimidator”. And a right bang-up job it was doing.

People who spend something like $100,000 on sports cars have no idea how much the rest of us laugh at them. Like when they blow all that squishy money on some expensive brand name that can go 200 mph.

When is anyone going to drive at 200 mph?

What kind of yutz would spend that kind of money on a car with a benchmark that cannot even be lawfully attained? Even if they were to find the hypothetical stretch of road where such a rate is legal, they’d likely end up behind someone moving at a reasonable speed, because not everyone wants to die in a fiery wreck.

I know that some people would attempt to use “impressing the ladies” as a justification. Trust me, a woman isn’t worth spending time with unless she gives a care how you piss away your money. If you really want to attract women, get a roomy back seat.

Speaking of ridiculous cars, there was a red Jeep that I was stuck behind on a couple different days on the way to work. Maybe it was because the driver thought his Jeep was a truck, because in both cases, it was on a stretch of road where trucks had a reduced speed limit. A Jeep isn’t a truck, it’s more like an ATV with a tarp over it.

But hey, way to live up to that manufactured sense of adventure. Your ability to buy stuff makes you almost as manly as someone who shaves with a straight razor.

While I’m busy criticizing everyone’s choice in automobiles to a greasy pulp, the other day, I saw in the corner of my eye as a car attempted to “rev that engine”, except the loud popping sound came out of their muffler. I know that’s supposed to be impressive, but if it comes from your muffler, it means your heap urgently needs work.

Can we agree at this point that the sports car is not really peak automobile? And that it doesn’t indicate status in the way it once did? Because if we can agree on that, perhaps everyone can stop pretending their pitiful little sedan is something it’s not.

Worse yet, the car smelled really, really bad. As though they tried using the wrong fuel. The pump is a bad place to pretend to drive something you don’t, don’t be stupid.

For the odd idiot out to justify their purchase, no, I’m not picking on sports cars because I can’t afford one. I can afford one. Because they can be financed, nearly everyone can afford them. People laugh at sports cars because they’re ridiculous. It’s as simple as that.